Always
by tekken4life
Summary: What do you do when you're tired of having your heart broken? How do you know when enough is enough? Kogan - rated M for later chapters.
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1: The Shades Of Heartache**

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Big Time Rush or any of the characters.

**Author's Note:** I decided to do another Kogan story I'm a sucker for the pairing, what do you want from me? This one is dedicated to a dear friend of mine who helped me come up with the idea for this one. You know who you are! Anyway, please enjoy the story and tell me what you think!

Logan gazed down at his fidgeting hands, watching them jerk and shudder in irrepressible spasms. Nothing filled the air apart from the tender scribbling of a pen against a notepad. He hated the silence. It swathed around in the atmosphere, stealing away the comforting ambience of the office. It made scathing judgments him for how he felt; criticizing him for the secret quietly eating away at his heart. Even though this was a place where he came to lay himself bare, it was still unnerving to simply give into the yielding rawness of it all. It would take time for him to come to terms with the predicament he'd landed himself in, he understood that most of all: he'd already made too many mistakes in his foolish impulsiveness, only to be rewarded by the resounding echo of heartache. It would have been somewhat of a beautiful irony if he wasn't so torn up about it – the first time he'd ever acknowledged how he felt, he had felt himself crumble, unable to bear the weight of the melancholy. Now, he did it to be healed, and in the slight hope that someday he would wake up and found that he wasn't hurting anymore.

The deep chocolate of his eyes looked up to see Dr. Harding look intently at what she had just written, almost as if expecting the words to come to life. There was something about the woman that made reminded Logan of Lucy Stone. It could have been the unorthodox beauty her face held, or simply the slight aura of stormy brooding she commanded. In either case, the brunette always felt that his clandestine confessions were safe with her. She was just so different from the typical psychiatrist: instead of a distantly clinical ear, she always listened with a fierce intensity, pushing Logan for reasons as to what he felt inside. At times, things got too honest; leaving him utterly vulnerable and open to the world, but the emotional wounds would always pay off when he sat down and thought about that day's session. After all, what was the point of therapy if it wasn't cathartic? Six months of brutal frankness directed inward would hopefully erase the illogical affection taunting him… at least it should, but Logan Mitchell knew better than anyone that matters of the heart are rarely ever linear.

"Logan?" The brunette snapped out of his serene reverie, the warmth of his eyes adjusting on the shrink in front of him to call his powers of attention to order. Dr. Harding gave him a brief smile to ease the unsettling gleam troubling his irises. She took one last glance at the notes on her lap. "Logan, I'm going to need your complete honesty here." She watched with a vague interest as he shifted distressingly in his seat. After all this time, he still had some difficulty in diving into his emotions. "After six months, do you still regard telling him how you felt as the biggest mistake in your life?" A different stillness fell upon the room as the brunette carefully considered her question, this one a little more abrasive than the last. How could such a simple inquiry be so heavily demanding? Logan threw his mind back to that one particular moment, feeling the essence of it wash over him: the apprehension, the blankness, the hurt; all of it came back in a unified startling clarity. The admission of his love was something he tried his best to block from his mind, but now he required it to all flow back. "Yeah" he murmured softly. He looked up at Dr. Harding with glazed eyes. "It still is."

"Why?" The reply was immediate, but he heard the hint of sympathy carefully embedded in it. He exhaled a cloud of longing breath. "Because I can't feel this way. What would happen to Big Time Rush if people found out that I loved him? Our whole image is based on us pursuing girls. If anyone found out…" His throat seized up, allowing his sentence to fade away into nothingness. This was starting to strike too hard. "I don't want us to fail. We've come so far." The shrink nodded thoughtfully, twirling the plastic cylinder of a pen in her hand like a baton. "But let's talk hypothetically here. Let's say Big Time Rush never happened and you all were still in Minnesota. Why would you still regard your confession as your biggest mistake?" Logan dropped his eyes once more. It was something he had considered himself. Take away the fame and fortune that the band had amassed, and he would be just a man who was nursing a broken heart. At least being a singer offered him the opportunity to lose himself in something. He couldn't stand being that close to him, knowing his feelings would never be returned. "It hurts too much" he whispered. The fine mists of tears clouded over his shimmering brown eyes, each one containing an eternity of hurt in their saline confines. "It hurts too much that he'll never love me back."

/*\\/*\\/*\\/*\\/*\\

Logan was too preoccupied by the swirling miasma consuming his thoughts to take notice of the bustling hum of the people around him. The one good thing about Dr. Harding's office was its location: close enough to Rocque Records and the Palm Woods for him to slip away without drawing attention, but far enough to ensure that his sessions were kept under wraps. The last thing he needed was for everyone to know he was seeing a psychiatrist. There would be too many questions that demanded answers, answers he was certain that he would not be able to give, and it would only snowball from there. He was scared of the anger he would receive, but even more so of the sympathy. He always had to play the voice of reason in the band, the conscience against which the others acted off their audacious, and often, imprudent schemes. Everyone expected him to be at the top of his game, something which had become so intrinsic; he could no longer see himself being anything else. Emotions were complex game, and in his case, it was best left untouched. He had only broken this code once, and vowed never to do so again. The consequences were simply too great.

"So this is where you've been sneaking off to" came a familiar voice from behind the brunette. Logan froze, processing the impish edge. With torrents of dread flowing through him, he turned around to see the confident smirk of Kendall Knight flash brazenly at him. This couldn't be happening. Not him of all people. "Kendall, what are you doing here?" he asked, searching the light green of the blonde's eyes for an answer, but more so for a reason for his unsettling presence. Kendall's smile grew. "I followed you" he said simply, as if his answer was the most obvious thing in the world. Logan cursed himself mentally for not being more careful. "You know, you've been hard to get a hold on lately" said the blonde, indicating that they should walk together. He swung his head solicitously towards Logan. "Never would have thought you of all people would be seeing a shrink."

"Join the club" said the brunette despondently, cautiously averting his gaze to anywhere but the blonde. The weight of having been found out crashed spectacularly about him, causing his shoulders to droop. God only knew what Kendall would do this piece of information. The others would soon find out, and then they would know EVERYTHING. He could just see Gustavo erupting with more molten fury than usual, sending Kelly to try and spin the situation for in case the public got wind. His world would fall to his feet again, and this time it wouldn't right itself like it had done before.

"This doesn't have anything to do with what you told me, right?" asked Kendall tentatively, pausing momentarily to look at the brunette with deep consternation. His words set Logan's heart racing in rapid beats against his chest. A faint hint of scarlet traced around in his milky cheeks as his breath came in quickened, shallower pulses. He still remembered. After all this time, he still remembered that one fateful day. "No, it doesn't" answered Logan quietly, wishing he could lose himself in the comfort of his lie. It would make things a hell of a lot easier for him. Kendall's expression grew blank at his answer. "Look Logan, it's-"

"Don't. Please." The brunette's voice was barely a painful quiver. It hurt too much for him to stand there and listen to all the reasons why he couldn't love Kendall, and why the blonde couldn't love him back. He looked at the concerned green eyes and silently implored them to drop the topic. Logan wasn't sure as to how many wounds he would have to endure before he was rid of this curse of affection. All he knew was that with the myriad of scars that his heart wore, it would only take one stupid moment for it to shatter inside of him.

As they walked back to the Palm Woods together, Logan felt a stabbing pain pierce through his chest. He had been nothing short of a glorious fool to fall in love with one of his best friends. He was helpless to fight it – Kendall Knight was such a powerful magnet of confidence and beauty, and he didn't even know it. Through all the years of knowing him, the brunette had discovered it was only upon moving to Los Angeles that he saw his friend in a completely new light. He had struggled with it at first: Big Time Rush had just completed their first tour and started to enjoy unprecedented flavors of success. Any action that was considered less than desirable could have sink the four of them back into enigmatic obscurity. Logan had truly struggled with his psyche – every time Kendall laid a friendly hand on his shoulder was a bittersweet torment he relished in, every moment spent alone with him was death in its most exquisite avatar. Every fantasy had to be solemnly abolished from his mind. Kendall was friend, nothing more. Besides, he was involved with Jo up until she moved to New Zealand. A taken, straight man was the object of his desire – he found it hard to get any more pathetic than that. For nights, he would try to rid himself of what he felt, but his affection grew in the face of his attempts to thwart it. Finding it hard to live around the blonde, Logan eventually gathered up an atypical courage and confessed his heart to Kendall. The green-eyed singer was the epitome of astonishment upon hearing that the brunette loved him, but admitted that he didn't swing that way. He was flattered of course, but he was unable to reciprocate the seemingly bottomless love Logan held for him.

That same night was the first time Logan felt the cold touch of heartache wrap its unwanted fingers around him. How could he have been so stupid to tell Kendall how he felt? Wasn't it bad enough that he felt this way? Now, he had to live with the regret of knowing that the blonde would forever know what went on inside his head. He should have known better than to tell him, there was no possibility of him feeling even remotely the same way. He had made the dangerous mistake of confusing a deep friendship for the uncertain promise of love, and now he had paid the price. With each passing day, the storm grew worse, getting to the point where he could no longer function. The pain was too intense for him to bear, erupting around him in hopelessly bleak periods. He needed help to cope somehow, and sought out Dr. Harding. Ever since then, he had come a long way in accepting how he felt, but still held the childish hope that he wouldn't feel this way for Kendall anymore. "I want to not love him anymore" he thought dejectedly. "I need to." But despite the optimism, he knew that miracles were few and far between. Kendall would probably be embedded in his heart forever.

/*\\/*\\/*\\/*\\/*\\

Logan could feel the numerous side glances Kendall stole at the milky rejection on his face all the way back to the Palm Woods. He couldn't blame the blonde – he had been resolute in sticking to his own little sad world. He had been injured enough for today. As they entered the subdued brown of the lobby, the brunette stopped in his tracks and gazed at the blonde through narrowed eyes. Kendall turned around and threw him a bemused frown. "Why'd you stop?"

"I need a favor from you." It was a demand more than anything else, but the soft tone of his voice offset the burning need. Kendall took a step closer, sending the brunette's heart into overdrive again. His soft bee-stung lips flushed with a yearning to know what was troubling his friend. Logan immediately dropped his head, looking at his dirty white sneakers with an intense interest. He couldn't bare the compassionate gleam in the blonde's eyes for one more second. "Are you going to tell anyone that you saw me the psychiatrist's?"

"Depends. Do you want me to?" Logan shuffled uncomfortably. "No."

"Then I won't." Logan looked up sharply. "Really?" Kendall grinned playfully, devastating his friend for the umpteenth time. "Really." Logan smiled gratefully, walking ahead once more. His secret was safe for now.

"Ah, Devil Boy" droned Mr. Bitters dryly as they passed the front desk. "I didn't do it" said Kendall quickly, freezing where he stood. "Didn't do what?" asked the older man, shifting his considerable weight to his shoulders. He eyed the blonde suspiciously. "What are you talking about?"

"I don't know, what are YOU talking about?" Mr. Bitters shook his head. "I've got a message for you." He pulled a small piece of yellow paper from his pocket and began to read. "Your girlfriend's back from New Zealand. She's waiting for you by the pool."

"Give me that!" exclaimed the blonde, grabbing the note from the sausage-like fingers. His eyes skimmed over the words, positively jumping with excitement. He wordlessly turned on his heel and strode towards the pool, leaving Logan in the familiar company of his loneliness.

The brunette walked over to the elevator, fighting back the menacing sting of his tears. Jo was back… it shouldn't make that much of difference in his life, but it would change everything. It would be back to watching her lips collide with Kendall, ignoring the daggers of jealousy and heartache every time they hugged and feeling himself die whenever he heard those three words being said between the two of them. This was what his life was reduced to – being murdered by unrequited passions, and he was powerless to stop it. "He isn't mine. No matter how much I want him to be, he will never love me." It was a sad truth, but a truth nonetheless. Having Jo here gave him the push he needed to finally move on from Kendall Knight. The real challenge lay in whether he wanted to. Already, he had given his heart for it to be shattered. Destiny was determined to see him lose the game of love. "I don't want to love you." What a beautiful lie.

**Hey guys, what did you think? Please hit that review button and let me know, it really makes me a happy person. If you don't, well what can I say? I'll have to get a shrink on my own! Till next time! ;)**


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2: Sunsets & Moonrises **

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Big Time Rush or any of the characters… yet. I just started work so if I save up for a million years, I can buy Nickelodeon… and then… ;)

**Author's Note:** A humongous thank you to everyone who reviewed my last chapter, added it to their alerts and asked for a second chapter. I probably don't need to tell you all that juggling three stories plus a job (note which one I gave priority to) is quite hard, but I will try to update this as often as I can.

Completely lost to the world inside his head, Logan barely noticed the last golden beams of the sun touch the ground. The heat lifted the grass's brutal scent from each of their fine emerald blades and guided it into the upper echelons of the atmosphere, almost recreating the illusion of a freshly mowed lawn. The brunette smirked achingly to himself. It seemed like such shame to waste such beauty on his eyes when they only saw one person. Why hadn't anyone told him that love was going to be this hard? Never one to wear rose-colored spectacles, the fact of spending every breath on a goal was already familiar to him. In life, there were no shortcuts: just a long road full of fights and nirvana at the end of it if you were lucky. But wasn't love supposed to be easy? All those lyrics he had sung with the guys; all that sung poetry Gustavo wrote which made romance look like an effortless game – was it all a lie? "It is kind of easy" he contemplated. His gaze caught onto a young couple holding hands and walking towards the Palm Woods. "But only if you fall for the right person. And he is definitely off limits." The pair of lovebirds stopped in their tracks only for the boy to materialize a blood red rose from his hands. Logan watched painfully as the girl wrapped her boyfriend into a sweet embrace and planted a hint of a kiss against his cheeks. "Now how come that isn't me?"

Sensing the light around the tree clearings fade slightly, Logan willed himself to leave the bench and head home for the night. Hands in his pockets, he trudged miserably along his path, making his vision take in only his feet walk across the grass. If he thought about it carefully, he actually should be happy about Jo's return. Now that she was back, it gave him that concrete reason he needed to forget about Kendall. There was no doubt in his mind that the two of them would be in each other's arms by nightfall. Even though it had been little over six months since they last saw each other, Logan had been privy to Kendall's daily ramblings about how he felt… at least he was before his tongue slipped into that inane confession. Whether Kendall had stopped out of sheer shock or sympathy, he didn't know, but he was grateful all the same. "They're meant for each other" he whispered softly, stopping momentarily to quell the icy hurt in his chest. "All I have to do is fade into the background and make sure I forget I ever felt like this." He shook his head slowly. Could he forget to breathe? Endless possibilities had been soaring through his mind since he first fell in love with the dapper blonde. Unrestrained by the reality that Big Time Rush would be over if their 'secret' ever went public and, more importantly, by the fact that Kendall did not love him; Logan had concocted a heady realm in his imagination. His daydreams and nights were possessed by the faint chance that Kendall would take him in his arms, brush their lips together in the sweetest of kisses and whisper his affection for him. Each waking hour, the brunette would rebuke himself for indulging in such ludicrous fantasies, but it was more of an unhealthy survival mechanism than a dream he nourished. Slowly but surely, the sessions with Dr. Harding had eroded the castles in the sky, but there was still a single flame of hope that burned brightly within him. It was that very flame that Logan kept meaning to kill, but somehow never did; and now the choice was out of his hands. If he was to survive, all traces of Kendall would have to die with that spark and leave him as a shell wandering aimlessly in the cruel world, unloved by anyone.

/*\\/*\\/*\\/*\\/*\\

The dinner table at apartment 2J burst along all four of its sides with all sorts of jovial banter. In honor of Jo's return, Mrs. Knight had abandoned her kitchen duties and ordered takeout from her vast repertoire of L.A's fast food diners. Logan stared wistfully at his plate. For the past half hour or so, the flawlessly golden French fries on his plate had only moved from side to side, never once leaving the smooth ceramic surface. Truth be told, he was only here out of necessity and a wary respect for Jo. Leaving now would blow his cover, to Kendall at least, and only iterate more around the main issue of why he felt like this. His ears picked up on the wafts of conversation floating across the table. To his left, Katie argued with her mother as to why going Dak Zevon's new movie instead of school would be so much more beneficial to her childhood happiness. On the right, Carlos and James kept throwing around theories as to the cause of their poisonous codependence. But by far the razor across his heart was the scene playing out directly opposite him. He didn't need to look up to know what was happening: he had already played this out before, albeit with a much more quieted execution. Kendall's hand draped casually across her shoulder, the way in which their giggles combined so naturally to create am affectionate symphony… even the small whispers of sweet nothings were things he could handle. What was beyond him were the kisses they stole from each other. The way in which her lips locked possessively against his killed him each time. "Can I really do this?" he asked himself mentally. "Can I really look back one day and say I never loved him?" He dropped his hand from the table onto his lap and curled it into a melancholic ball. "I'm only human."

"Logan? Logan!" The brunette reached across the eternity of his sadness and turned his head towards James. He gave a small jump of surprise upon seeing the intent look in his friend's face. "Do you think that Carlos and I spend way too much time together?"

"And be completely honest" added the Latino, nodding his head vigorously. "We need as much data as possible."

"Data for what?" asked Logan. James rolled his eyes. "Just answer the question!"

"Yeah, I guess you guys are like Siamese twins. But why does that matter?" He frowned as Carlos let his head fall into his waiting hands. "Dude, we're so screwed!"

"No, no, not yet!" hissed James. He turned forcefully to face the Latino. "All we have to do is prove them wrong and everything goes back to normal."

"OK, I'm probably going to kick myself here" smirked Logan impishly, thoughtfully rapping his fingers on the varnished table. "But I'm going to risk it anyways. Who is 'them' and what do you two have to prove wrong?" He looked on in solicitous bewilderment as a look of fear sparked between the two. Carlos and James's view of the world was a tad more eccentric than normal, so everyone else assumed it was their job to keep the devastation that the two found themselves in to a minimum. "We have to tell him" said Carlos flatly. "He's smart, maybe he can help."

"Alright," said James, his eyes never leaving Logan's. "But if you so much as breathe a word of this to anyone, I will kill you. I still have to figure out what I'd do with your body, but I will kill you."

"How about you have me stuffed and propped against the door as a coat rack?" said the brunette smilingly. "So what's this big secret?" James scanned the dinner table to make sure that the other four were deeply engaged in their own talks. He indicated for Logan to lean in closer. "There's a rumor going around that Carlos and I are… more than friends" he whispered softly. The brunette frowned. "More than friends?"

"Yeah, you know – like involved."

"Oh, you mean gay" said Logan, accidentally raising his volume to the normal level. The rest of the dinner party fell into a silence and looked at them with a hungry interest. "Who's gay?" asked Mrs. Knight, roving her eyes between the three boys. "No one" stated James firmly. The reply was in sharp contrast with the neon pink tinge rising in his face. "And let me just say that it is just sad that two men get judged for being such good friends. What kind of world do we live in?"

"Are you two still worried about that article in _Pop Tiger_?" grinned Kendall mischievously. He shook his head with a mild exasperation. "I told you that they print stuff like that all the time to sell copies."

"Hey, how would you like it if they wrote it about you?" asked Carlos heatedly. The blonde gave a nonchalant shrug, still wearing his effervescent smile. Logan turned to face him slowly with a blank look. This was all starting to hit a little too close to home, but his had to hear this answer. This would determine whether six months of pining for the man was well spent or not, and whether he'd ever be able to erase that godforsaken passion inside his heart. "I'd be flattered" said the blonde smoothly. James stared at him as if he'd gone insane. "You'd be flattered?"

"Yup."

"Why?"

"Because they'd be writing something so completely false, it wouldn't be going be worth chasing after. I mean have you seen this?" He pointed to Jo who gave a small wave to everyone present. Logan felt the stabbing pain return to his chest, but this time more intensely. It never got any easier to hear it but he had to learn his lesson. "I'm not gay." Logan dropped his gaze to the floor. "No you aren't" he thought dejectedly.

/*\\/*\\/*\\/*\\/*\\

"Logan?" Kendall's voice came across to the brunette's ears so quietly he thought he must have imagined it. He looked up to see the blonde sitting on his bed, bathed softly in a heady mix of hoary moonlight and neon city glow. Every inch of his skin looked as smooth as glass, so perfect by definition that they gave testament to the fact that Kendall Knight was created by angels. Logan's heart gave a lurching thud against his chest. Damn it, just seeing him like this was such glorious pain! "Kendall, it's late" he whispered. He noticed the small smile fall from the blonde's cherubic expression. He recognized that mask all too well. It wasn't shown often, but it was familiar enough to read his intentions. Kendall always made this face when he had to apologize. It was an act that went so against his being that he only did it when absolutely necessary, and even then it was hard for the words to flow. "About tonight" he said softly, tilting his head to get a better view of the brunette. "What I said to James about being gay – that wasn't a dig at you."

"I know." Logan gripped the sheets beneath him to steady himself. Every time this came up, it was a huge battle to calm himself down again. He hated how easily Kendall could work him up without even knowing it. "Forget it."

"Are you still… I mean-"

"Does it really matter?"

"It does to you" replied Kendall gently. He gazed deeply into the shattered brown glistening softly in the night's luminance. Broken almost beyond repair, it was a wonder how they still told tales of untold desires. "How can I help you get over this?" Logan closed his eyes. "Tell me that it was only a dream when I told you how I felt" he breathed softly. "Tell me that I'm not in therapy and that the pain is only in my imagination." His eyelids lifted to see Kendall's lips part slightly in shock. "Tell me that I don't love you."

/*\\/*\\/*\\/*\\/*\\

"Jo's back" said Logan distantly, staring at Dr. Harding from his chair. Another day, another session – another truth to bare. "She's back and I'm… I'm somewhere in between hell and hell without air conditioning." The psychiatrist gave a small chuckle at the dry humor. She flourished a final note on her pad before looking up at Logan. "Are they back together?" Logan nodded. The shrink considered making another note, but gazed sympathetically at her patient instead. So young, but so destroyed beyond his years. In her line of work, she had counseled people out of stress, marital issues and job dissatisfaction; but this was the first case of heartbreak she ever had. "Well, did you expect this?" The brunette looked down at his feet. "Yes" he muttered ruefully. Dr. Harding nodded. "Logan, I think I know what your problem is."

"You do?" he asked, sharply returning his line of vision back onto her with startling speed. "I sure as hell don't."

"Your trouble stems from a lack of reconciliation between your inner desires and actual reality. You're so stung up on accepting that Kendall will never be with you that you've completely rendered yourself unable to do exactly that." Logan frowned. "Does that even make sense?" Dr. Harding shook her head. "OK, lets try it this way – you've got this exam to take right? Only you're so nervous about it that you can't seem to study. It's the same thing with you."

"I don't know how else to be" exclaimed Logan desperately. "There is so much riding on this! This isn't just about me. If word got out, Big Time Rush would be done for."

"I know" said Dr. Harding. She opened her desk and took out a pad, scribbling on it for a few seconds before handing it to Logan. "That's why I'm giving you this."

"Escita… exita, e- what is this?" asked the brunette, staring down at the piece of paper. "It's a prescription for a week's supply of Escitalopram. Normally I wouldn't do this, but it seems that your case of depression is exceptionally special." said the shrink tenderly, gazing at Logan as if he'd break. "It's a mild antidepressant I want you to try."

"You want me to go on happy pills?"

"Don't you think it's worth a shot?" Logan gazed uncertainly at the paper for a few seconds. Had it really come to the point where he had to be happy artificially? "No" he whispered shakily. "I can't do this." Dr. Harding analyzed him carefully. "Can't or won't?"

"Pick one." The shrink nodded serenely as if expecting his reluctance. "Logan, I'm a shrink, so what I'm about to say may go beyond my field here." She took a deep breath in. "Ever since humans have walked the planet, it's been one big fight between us all. We all fight for something that gives us joy because God doesn't bless us equally. Sometimes, we hurt so bad that it goes beyond doing the right thing: we just have to stop it any way we can." She blinked vacantly. "Sometimes we have to take any opportunity we can to be happy. This may be yours. Shouldn't you take it?"

**Hey guys, what did you think? Should Logan go on antidepressants? Please leave a review and tell me what you thought! Till next time **


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3: Far & Beyond**

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Big Time Rush or any of the characters, and damn it I didn't get what I wanted for Christmas either!

**Author's Note:** Happy holidays people I sincerely hope you're having a fantastic time wherever you are. As always, I'd like to say thank you to those of you who reviewed and alerted the last chapter. You guys are my heroes. So it's the day after Christmas, and I thought I'd give you guys a little present – just for you, courtesy of yours truly. Please enjoy, and don't forget to hit that review button!

"What the hell is this?" spat Gustavo furiously, pointing to the latest copy of _Pop Tiger_ on his desk. The miniscule beads of his eyes energetically darted around behind the yellow-tinted sunglasses. Logan made a mental note to himself that the record boss's face had reached a new shade of red, this particular tone taking the form of a pulsating crimson. It had been about two years since he first had the acquired pleasure of meeting Gustavo Rocque, and he could honestly say that no other man had quite the unique temperament he possessed. The brunette knew that it was insanely easy to set the man off – take away one of the many teaspoons of sugar he put in his coffee, and Los Angeles was likely to have first volcanic eruption. Over the months, everyone had taken their cur from Kelly and simply put down the bad humor as a side effect to his creative processes. Always striving to propel the band forward, Gustavo wouldn't tolerate anything less than perfection itself, and expected the same from those around him: needless to say, hardly anyone lived up to it.

"_Does Hollywood have yet another closet case on its hands?_" read Kendall slowly, picking up the magazine from the desk. The soft sea green irises methodically followed the article's writing, frowning as he processed the written blasphemy. "_Well, if James Diamond and Carlos Garcia are anything to go by, we maybe in for another Ricky Martin soap opera. An unnamed source close to the ambiguous half of Big Time Rush has confirmed that the two spend an extraordinary amount of time together, even for best friends. Occasional butt-slapping, handholding and even hugging are not uncommon between them_." He looked up and gave the two an impish grin. James and Carlos returned the favor with two witheringly dark glares to silence his sadistic joviality, but the blonde's effervescent smile could not be suppressed. "Do you two want to hold hands while we talk this out?" he asked sweetly. Gustavo wrathfully threw his hands up in the air. "Butt-slapping? Seriously, why not go all the way and f-"

"I think what Gustavo's trying to say is that we really need to avoid this kind of situation" interrupted Kelly, desperate to keep the use of profanity to an absolute zero. "Look, you guys are starting to gather some attention out there and that's great. But unfortunately, there are always going to be reporters like this who capitalize on your fame and write something discrediting; and for a boy band, the 'gay' rumor is as devastating as you can get."

"Well, what do we do?" asked Logan with a raised eyebrow. The entire scenario with James and Carlos became less distant with each passing day. In fact, it would only take one small adjustment for it to turn into a carbon copy of his own dark burden. "It's not like they can stop being friends, they've known each other since kindergarten." Instantly, he felt the emerald burn of Kendall's eyes latch onto him. Whether it was done in sympathy or as a warning, he didn't know, he just wanted it to stop. He didn't dare steal a glance at the blonde, it was asking too much of his already obliterated heart. One meaningful look could drive him beyond the point of no return, where men lay forever in a purgatory of emotion. Instead, he kept his focus directly onto Kelly and watched her nod her head vehemently. "The important thing to do here is try to keep a balance."

"Balance?" said James incredulously, shaking his newfound chocolate locks from side to side. "No, balance is what clowns on the wings of an airplane to keep it flying. How are we supposed to balance out these rumors?"

"Dude, let go of my hand!" exclaimed Carlos as he took a startled jump away from his best friend. Gustavo clicked his tongue impatiently. "This is exactly the kind of thing that fuels these bin liners."

"You two need to find someone else to latch onto" said Kelly serenely. "We need to show the world that you two aren't the overly romantic codependents that you are in real life."

"But we're not gay!" moaned James. "Of course you aren't" smiled Kelly. "Now say it like you believe it."

"Can we just focus on the real issue at hand here please?" Gustavo pulled four sheets of paper from his desk drawer and surprisingly handed it over to the boys with a careful hand. "This is the new song we'll be doing tomorrow. Take a look, practice and get it perfect tomorrow, OR ELSE!" He swung his head over to James and Carlos. "You two are going to find a way to fix this mess, or else there's going to murder in the air." Needing no further encouragement, the two friends gave curt nods to everyone and scooted off out of the office like lightning bolts. Kendall shook his head. "You know they're just going to make this worse aren't you?" he asked Gustavo flatly. The record boss sighed. "I know, but I'm hoping that if I believe in them… ah, who am I kidding?"

/*\\/*\\/*\\/*\\/*\\

Most of the morning had already past by the time Logan returned to apartment 2J. The sun was being generous with the heavy beams of light it shone, complimented by the smallest hint of a breeze wafting through the city. On his way up, half of the Palm Woods population was already dominating the pool in with their hedonistic activities. To most, it may have seemed like a crime of the most insidious nature to spend such a day indoors, but Logan gladly welcomed the solitude. No doubt James and Carlos would be off trying to prove their heterosexuality, while Mrs. Knight and Katie would be out doing shopping for the household. Only one very unpredictable variable stood in the way of Logan and his quiet sanctuary, and he prayed to God that he would spend the day in the company of who he really wanted to love. "I can't do this anymore" thought the brunette despondently, shutting the door behind him and walking over to the safety of his bedroom. "This is becoming too much for me to handle… one more push, and I…" He let out a long miasma of breath. "Who knows what I'll do?"

Walking into the room, he carefully placed himself on his bed and opened the drawer of the nightstand adjacent to the mattress. Having organized his belongings so neatly and in such a compact manner, he never found a use for the small chest of drawers until now. It seemed strange to him at first that he would place such a possession in such an open place, but he was soon comforted by the fact that everyone had deemed his things boring and didn't bother to rifle through them. Smiling sadly, Logan beheld the lavender and white box in the stark emptiness of the top drawer. "Have I really reached that point?" he asked himself softly. "Am I really so desperate to get my happiness from pills?" The resounding silence clouted his ears. Like so many other things in his life, this question hung precariously in the balance.

Logan stared at the box carefully. With a small rattle, he heard the seven pills shake about in the flimsy cardboard structure. He had done the research: Escitalopram was a mild antidepressant that upped that upped the serotonin content in the brain. Side effects included nausea, drowsiness and a small case of dizzy spells. There were numerous case studies done on the drug, all pointing to an eighty-five percent success rate when consumed. Normally, this would have been enough for the brunette, taking into consideration his interest in the medical field, but this decision would have to be made by the heart and not the head. Facts and figures were meaningless when it came to happiness, he understood that now. Especially in his case, there was no other option but to feel his way through – it was a terrifying thought to rely on pure emotion, but after the pain of going through the last couple of months, emotion was all he had. "I must really be a nutcase for my happiness to rely on tiny little pills" he contemplated darkly, gingerly placing the box back into the drawer. It had been a week since Dr. Harding had filled out the prescription, a week full of going back and forth between extremes. Constantly, the brunette found himself stubbornly aloof towards the antidepressant at one moment and then miserably needing it the next. With such bewilderment running about, he decided it best to weather out the week and see what the shrink had to say. He could picture her disappointment clearly in his mind, from the impatient swinging of her foot to the silent iciness of her expression. He couldn't help it, there was just too much that he didn't know: like whether he really could do this without external help.

"Hello? Anyone home?" The brunette's heartbeat instinctively raced at the call of his beloved's voice, but he forcefully willed it down back to its normal tattoo. If it weren't so sad, it would be interesting to see what a coercive effect Kendall Knight had on him. He waited for a few seconds, listening to the purposeful fall of footsteps drawing closer to the bedroom. "There you are" came the silken voice. Logan gradually lifted his head to see the smiling blonde stand over him. He offered a weak grin. "What's up?"

"Not much. Just came back from the pool."

"That's great" replied Logan, lowering his head down. His hands fidgeted nervously against each other. When they were alone together, there was no telling where this would all end up. "Hey, can I ask you something?" The brunette heard the slight catch in the blonde's voice, as if afraid to ask the question. He took a slight breath. "Go ahead." He lifted his head to see Kendall's face draw into a blank canvas. He looked at the blonde with wistful gleam in his eyes. "Jo and I… we aren't connecting" he said softly. "At least not like before. Things… things have changed so much since she went to New Zealand. We've become different people." Logan gave a small nod. He understood the feeling all too well, having been of at the receiving end it many a time before. "Of course things have changed. How couldn't they?" Kendall sighed. "I know, I just wish that we could go to the way things were before."

"Can I ask you something now?"

"Shoot."

"Why are you telling me all of this?" The blonde's lips parted by just the smallest increment. The softened emerald flashed in the dull light of their bedroom, making Logan's own mahogany pair glisten ethereally. "I don't know" he said quietly. He took a tiny step closer. "Probably because I thought that… you might be able to help." The brunette blinked once. "How am I supposed to do that?" he whispered. The look of total annihilation in his eyes robbed the blonde of his very breath. "How can I help you when I can't even help me?"

/*\\/*\\/*\\/*\\/*\\

"So you didn't take the pills?"

"No."

"And he asked you for help?"

"Yup."

"And what how does that make you feel?"

"Like crap." Dr. Harding chuckled jovially. "I think after all this time you can do better than that" she said smilingly. Logan snorted derisively. "I don't care if he thinks I'm selfish. How can he when he knows what I'm going through?"

"Don't you think he might need a little bit sympathy as well Logan? You can't play the victim forever."

"OK, firstly he and Jo already have this freaking fairytale existence. Secondly, I didn't ask to play the victim, I got placed there."

"By your own doing." The shrink scribbled a note on her pad before looking up again. "At the risk of sounding like my gun-wielding grandfather, you were the one who confessed your feelings in the first place. Now you refuse to help yourself or him, even though it might give you reason to move on." Logan opened his mouth to reply, but immediately shut it. She had him caught, and all by his own doing too. "I love him too much to move on."

"But if you don't, the pain will destroy you."

"And if I do, I'll be destroyed anyways."

/*\\/*\\/*\\/*\\/*\\

Six o' clock had just passed when Logan had returned to the Palm Woods. The entire day had passed without him going through the song lyrics for tomorrow or seeing Kendall. James and Carlos had monopolized the entire lobby in an effort to conduct 'new best friend auditions.' "Well, they said we should find new people to hang out with" the Latino had rambled. "We're conducting interviews to see what kind of people are out there and whether we would want to associate with them." Logan just nodded with a vacant smile and immediately made for the elevator. As far as he was concerned, he wanted to stay as far away from this disaster as possible.

Walking into the apartment, he found it as empty as it was before. Mrs. Knight and Katie were still out and Kendall was nowhere to be seen. "Guess I only have myself to blame" thought Logan dejectedly. "It's the _victim's_ fault." He walked briskly to the bedroom, feeling a black cloud erupt somewhere where his heart should be. He stopped in the doorway, laying his eyes on the prize. The nightstand stood like an ancient sentry, guarding its contents with surreptitious stealth. Steeling himself, the brunette stepped in and opened the drawer delicately. His hand quivered slightly as he held the box, feeling its smooth finish slip in his hand. "It's now or never Mitchell. Do it." He flipped the box open and removed the silver foil. The minuscule discs which had caused so much turmoil in his head stood there in there in its protection. "You better be worth this. My life hangs in your hands now."

/*\\/*\\/*\\/*\\/*\\

"_Hey this is Kendall. I'm not available at the moment so please leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as possible. Unless you're Gustavo, then don't bother._"

"Kendall, it's me. I… I will help you."

**So... things are getting interesting huh? Hope you all liked this chapter. Please leave a review, it'll be like a special Christmas gift Have a great New Year guys, stay safe and please don't pull a Logan… that's my job! Till next time ;)**


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4: A Fond Kiss**

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Big Time Rush or any of the characters.

**Author's Note:** Yes people, I am alive and I have NOT given up on this story! It's been really hectic with work, but now that it's over I have all this time to write for you! Aren't you grinning from ear to ear? So last time we left off, Logan told Kendall that he'd help Kendall reconnect with Jo. So what's going to happen this time? Read on and see, and don't forget to review!

"This isn't going to work" muttered Kendall darkly, narrowing his eyes to suspicious sea-green slits. Logan glowered at him. "You're not even trying to get into the swing of things."

"Which would be what exactly? One date and we'll go back to the way things were before she left? You're supposed to be the smart one here Logan."

"Obviously it isn't happening overnight" sighed the brunette wearily. "But a date alone in the apartment with a nice romantic dinner for two is what you guys need. No distractions, just the two of you being completely vulnerable with each other." One of the many facets of Kendall Knight was his suspicion, and it drove him up the wall. The blonde never accepted anything on its face value – people, objects; even emotions were questioned and re-questioned until he got to the heart of the matter. Although he appreciated his friend's somewhat unhealthy curiosity, Logan hardly ever felt safe around him. He never knew when the burgeoning intensity would be directed at him, and then God only knew what would happen. He wasn't built to withstand such a coercive aura.

"Speaking of 'getting into the swing of things', can I ask what changed your mind?" asked Kendall carefully, focusing his unblinking eyes at the still figure in front of him. He could tell his words had the desired effect – Logan froze behind the counter. He could almost hear the rapid pounding of the brunette's heart against his chest. Normal people would have missed the soft inhalation of air, but his ears were prepared for this. Things always got to this point when the two of them were alone together: that awkward silence virtually dripping in tension never failed to kill him. Sometimes, just sometimes, he wished he'd never found out about Logan's secret. "Think of it as karmic insurance" smiled Logan nervously. He shifted from foot to foot, inwardly flinching as his anxious shuffling echoed loudly in apartment 2J. The blonde lazily raised an eyebrow. "Karmic insurance?"

"Yeah. I do a good deed and good things happen to me. It's the universe's way of paying me back."

"That is the biggest load of crap I've ever heard in my life" said Kendall flatly, wiping the edgy grin straight off his friend's face. "Have you been hanging around Guitar Dude again?"

"No, I haven't. And don't even think of starting up your hunch about him doing weed again" added Logan with an outstretched finger. He smiled slightly at the blonde's superior smirk before lowering his eyes. "I'm just… more positive about my life."

"So your therapy really does its job?" The brunette sharply met the searching green eyes with a tumultuous sweep, quivering at their ceaseless raid of unsaid questions just waiting to be voiced. "Anyone ever tell you what a pain in the ass you are?" he asked softly, hiding his irritation with the hint of snigger. Kendall sighed. "It's a gift."

Three soft raps came from the door, providing the smaller boy with a welcome distraction. "OK, now remember-"

"I know, I know, be honest but don't put pressure on her" replied the blonde sardonically. "I got it Dr. Phil."

"I don't think Dr. Phil goes to therapy for himself" said Logan as he quickly walked over to the door. His hands shook as they reached out for the door. "Damn it" he cursed mentally. "It's happening already." With a quick breath, he opened the door to greet the one person he wished he could replace with the warmest smile he could muster. "Hey Jo, come on in."

"Thanks Logan" beamed the blonde beauty, wrapping her arms around him in a loose embrace. She pulled apart once more to grace him with an effervescent grin. "You two make such a cute couple" said Kendall, trying his utmost not to roll his eyes. "It almost makes me want to cry. Almost."

"Come here you big ape" laughed Jo melodiously, walking over to her boyfriend. Logan watched as her lips landed squarely on his without her even trying. She could have done it with her eye closed. "Like magic" thought the brunette dejectedly as he quietly slid out into the hallway. He barely heard the soft thud of the door close behind him. "No map, no direction… just pure instinct. One might say love." The familiar pain in his chest began to soar and possessed his lips to wrap into a sad curve of a smile. "He's wrong. One date is all they need."

/*\\/*\\/*\\/*\\/*\\

"No loitering in the lobby after nine" droned Mr. Bitters in his usual monotone drawl. He peered at Logan through the thick lenses of his spectacles, vaguely registering the veiled frustration at him. The brunette threw his hands up in the air. "It isn't nine yet!"

"No, but it will be in about ten minutes. And then you'll be so comfortable in that chair, you won't want to leave and then I'll have to call that _woman_" replied the older man with a shudder. "And then she'll come down with that _girl_, that absolute devil spawn of a child-"

"You have issues, you know that?" muttered Logan as he reluctantly relinquished the luxury of his chair. Leaving the Palm Woods manager in the dark recesses of his delirium, the brunette wondered if he would get a discount on his sessions with Dr Harding if he introduced Mr. Bitters to her – the man was a veritable goldmine for any shrink. "I feel so sorry for the guy's mother. Or maybe that's where it all started."

Briskly walking out into the night air, Logan felt the cool caress of the breeze toy its way around his face. His hands gently inserted themselves into the snug pockets of his jeans while his feet began to walk on a path unknown. He couldn't care less where he wound up tonight; he just wanted the misery to stop. This time, the pain was much more diluted now, not as powerful as the tsunamis that would devastate him before. "Guess there really is something to be said for antidepressants" he said inaudibly, dropping his head to watch his sneaker-clad feet carry him to their indefinite destination. "Damn it, I forgot to take my pill!" He stopped momentarily and turned back to watch the softly glowing outline of the Palm Woods building. His head spun in desperate orbits around himself: he could go back to apartment 2J and face the ire of the two blondes with a drugged smile; or he could face the night alone, raw and unadulterated. The choice was clear, although quite hard to execute. "I'll be fine for one night. I hope."

The thought of those tiny white pills made Logan's heart dole out sickening pulses. Two days, two pills and it was like viewing life through a mask. Things seemed brighter, screaming out loudly in vivid hues and tones, but he could tell it wasn't real. Everything became a twisted fairytale once the pills lured him with their promised seduction. Happiness, or at least a very good semblance of it, was reduced to nothing more than a mere construct, unworthy of even being called an emotion. If the brunette saw shades of grey before, everything was now a blank canvas. No longer did he have control as to what to feel, instead his heart was dictated to by the unsavory chemical reactions sparking off in his brain. "Messed up thing is I need it" he contemplated darkly, faintly watching the neat lines of trees as he passed them. "The truth was I couldn't have made it through all this without taking them." He gave a harsh chuckle at his thought. "Them. I'm making antidepressants human; I must seriously be screwed up."

If he was utterly honest with himself, Logan had to give credit to his medication and the woman who prescribed them. Dr Harding had delivered on her promise – the pills had done what they were supposed to do. Though they didn't say anything, the residents of 2J had noticed the brunette adopt a far more relaxed demeanor. Kendall in particular had been intensely interested in the reason for the sudden change, trying to make small starts of conversation with Logan whenever it was just the two of them. Even in his altered state of mind, Logan had seen right through his strategy and slyly crafted solid excuses for leaving the room. The blonde had found out about two of his skeletons in the closet, and the brunette was unwilling to let him discover the last. He was just too unpredictable to trust. "I'll tell him one day" thought Logan smilingly, walking into a sudden burst of neon light. "Like when I have nothing left to lose." His grin slowly evaporated as he wondered just how far that was from the truth.

The single shot of light split into several rays that pierced right through his eyes. Temporarily abandoning his despondent reverie, Logan raised a hand to shield his eyes from the shining onslaught. It took him several moments to figure out where he was: in flashing outlines, the sign of Rocque Records commanded attention under the cover of night. "What the hell has he gone and done now?" whispered the brunette softly. Turning towards the entrance, his eyes absorbed the dazzlingly lit interior. He tilted his head bewilderedly. Gustavo never left the lights on in the building after dark, not since Griffin had so unceremoniously 'borrowed' Katie's idea for a greener company. "I hope the fat man hasn't gone off the deep end." He paused on the first step towards the doors. "I have got to stop thinking that everyone's mad."

Not a single soul stood within the interior of Rocque Records as Logan traversed his way through the carpet-paved corridors. No sign of Kelly or Gustavo made themselves apparent, just the smiling gazes of the company's past successes and failures kept the brunette from feeling his overwhelming loneliness. At the very end of the corridor stood the cardboard cutout of the brunette alongside his three best friends. A wry smile wrapped around his lips as he walked up to his inanimate form, feeling the smooth flatness of his face beneath his stretching fingertips. He remembered that day all too well – out of all the boys, he was the one who had struggled to strike a pose. Eventually, he just gave into the madness and pulled off the most ridiculous stance he could and felt like an absolute idiot afterwards. "Fame is not my friend." He stared longingly into the shallow copy of his mahogany irises. All he wanted to do was to be forgotten, to finally yield into the void that threatened to consume him. Life was just too hard here, and Kendall's intense proximity didn't help. His unhealthy attachment to the blonde would destroy him one day; it was only a matter of time. He was too entwined to let go and too hurt to care. "You'll kill me one day Kendall Knight, and you won't even know it."

Turning around, he walked over to small lounge tucked away behind the wall and sank into the nearest chair. His head fell into his hands like a heavy lead ball. "How did it get to this?" he asked himself venomously. "How did I end up like… like this?" Through the slits between his fingers he saw the pad and pen lying so carelessly on the table. His hands left his face with adroit quickness and laid claim to the writing tools. No thoughts ran through his mind, he just felt his heart bleed with all the pain he was burdened to carry. In the quiet of all seven floors of the buildings, he wrote. Logic gave up on him, but his feelings wouldn't let go. With every word, he emancipated his torment.

_You're a part of me and I hate that. I hate that I keep on feeling like this, even though I know it will never change anything. You're in love with her, and only her, so why can't I accept that? I'll tell you why: I'm a freak. I'm sick, I'm twisted and I never want it to change. I keep on staying two steps behind you just incase you fall… so I can be there for you just like you're there for me. You're the only one who knows my secrets and what I hide inside. You see the battles I face everyday with myself, yet all you can do is offer me that same smile you've always done. I don't know whether you enjoy seeing me like this. You know I'll always love you, no matter what happens; and now I have to fix up something in YOUR relationship. You know what, I don't care. Use me, hate me for what I am, even hit me if you want to… just please do something so that I can get over you. I can't take this anymore._

/*\\/*\\/*\\/*\\/*\\

Hours melded seamlessly against each other before Logan returned to the Palm Woods. His legs had transformed into leaden barrels after crossing each level of Rocque Records. Although his mind had been utterly consumed by his emotions, he still had made some progress – someone in the building had an extreme fondness for _Playgirl _magazines and chocolate chip cookies. The startling revelation had sent shivers down the brunette's spine. For him, it was impossible to view the human body in such clinical lust. There always had to be some sort of feeling behind it. "Ever the romantic Mitchell" he whispered in the metallic isolation of the elevator. "Go on; wear your heart on your sleeve. Count how many pieces it'll break into before you even reach twenty. You'll live in this hell forever." He frowned slightly. "God, since when did I turn into Bruno Mars?"

The elevator doors parted to reveal a bemused Kendall waiting in the passage way. Almost instantly, Logan's heart began to accelerate into a wild thump. He watched, unable to move as the blonde stretched out his arms to keep the doors from closing. "I thought you'd come back earlier" he murmured, staring intently at the brunette through the candescent lime of his eyes. "It would have been rude of me to interrupt" said Logan flatly. He took a deep breath in. "How'd it go?"

"Put it this way – it lasted as long as a beer commercial." Logan's eyebrows contracted. "What happened?" Kendall clicked his tongue impatiently. "She got a call from her agent, _Pop Tiger _wanted to do an interview with her."

"At night?" asked Logan, moving aside into the hallway. The blonde immediately took his position in the elevator. "Hey, I don't get it either. But she wanted to."

"So you let her?"

"Let her, fought with her to stay… it all adds up to the same result in the end, right? One cancelled date and two pissed off blondes."

"Kendall, you-"

"It doesn't matter. I don't want to talk about it." With his hands still against the sides of the elevator, he leant forward and planted a gentle peck against the flushed heat of Logan's cheeks. "Thank you" he whispered before pulling away into the confined space. He watched smugly as the brunette's cheeks flooded with a flaming crimson. "What was that for?"

"For trying" he called, waving as the elevator's doors finally gave into their programmed attraction, leaving the bemused brunette standing in the hallway and cursing himself for the umpteenth time that evening.

/*\\/*\\/*\\/*\\/*\\

"He kissed you?"

"On the cheek, it doesn't count" said Logan brightly, practically bobbing up and down on his seat. Dr Harding threw him a concerned expression as she nonchalantly scribbled across her pad. "Are you sure?"

"Oh yeah. I'm not even thinking about that. Last night, I went to sleep and I had a dream that my teacher from the first grade was breastfeeding me. Not even a thought about Kendall Knight."

"You're lying."

"OK, it wasn't my first grade teacher, it was the librarian from Minnesota, but I still think the same rules apply."

"Logan, I've been in this business for quite some time now, I can tell when someone's pulling my chain. Let me tell you, you are not a very convincing liar. I sincerely hope your singing is much better than your acting, and I say that as your concerned psychologist not as a passive-aggressive bitch." Logan let out a cloud of weary breath. "How'd you know?"

"Let's just say people from your team aren't that enthusiastic about breastfeeding." Her face softened sympathetically. "Talk to me."

"What do you want me to say?" asked the brunette loudly, throwing his hands up in the air. "It meant the world to me. It DOES count to me." He shook his head slightly. "Bastard doesn't even know what he did."

"So ask him."

"No. I won't let him do this, I can't" whispered Logan softly. "He can't keep having this effect on me."

"What are you planning to do?"

"I don't know yet… but as from now, I am free from him."

**Hey guys, hope you liked this chapter. Please leave a review and let me know what you thought. Till next time (which won't be so far off, I promise).**


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5: War**

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Big Time Rush or any of the characters.

**Author's Note:** Hello everyone A huge thank you to everyone who hit the review button and added the story to their alerts, I love you guys! I'm glad to see everyone taking Logan's part, but how about some love for Kendall huh? Anyway, please enjoy this next chapter and tell me what you thought!

"OK, so progress report" said Gustavo loudly, glaring down into his cup of swirling hot caffeine. The yellow of his heavily tinted sunglasses magnified his headache to a hammer repeatedly striking against his cranium. He had a sneaking suspicion that the four young men he commanded were genetically engineered to keep the pharmaceutical company in business. If they didn't induce headaches in everyone they met, they would surely cause schizophrenia given enough time. "Well, Carlos and James finally found their new best friends" said Kendall dryly, taking in every detail of the music director's face. The head of Rocque Records seemed to hoard over his coffee in the same way a tiger carefully guarded his prey. "Oh, I forgot all about that" said the older man, flippantly tossing his stirring stick into the trash can. "What new victims have they found?"

"Well, James said that based on some anthropological crap-"

"Does he even know the meaning of the word?"

"Doubt it; he gets confused when he reads the back of a cereal box. Anyway, out of all the interviews they conducted, he said his perfect 'replacement' is Lucy Stone." Gustavo lifted his head out from his coffee steam bath. Pulling his face into a contemplative look, he took a sip of the piping hot liquid without as much as a flinch. "She's the eighteen year old punk rocker right?"

"That's the one."

"Not bad. Looks like dying his hair brunette was a good thing after all." He took another drawling sip. "What about Carlos?"

"Well, I'm so glad you asked" said the blonde, smiling devilishly. "Apparently after all the mumbo jumbo they went through, he said that no one was good enough for him and that he'd rather just hang out with his dear friend Gustavo." The music director instantly turned flushed scarlet. "I'm sorry, what?"

"Can you imagine it? I can see the headlines now: _Carlos Garcia dumps boy toy for daddy bear!_ You'll be famous Gustavo!"

"I AM NO ONE'S BEAR!" roared the music director irately, standing up to give the blonde the full extent of his wrath. Kendall smugly noticed a pulsing vein crack across his gleaming forehead. He had to admit, no one was ever quite as easy to arouse as Gustavo Rocque: his buttons seemed to be permanently switched on. "I WILL WRING HIS NECK!" he raged, swinging his hands from side to side like giant clubs. So far, they had sent the cup of coffee and the pencil sharpener flying to either side of the room. "I'LL CHOP HIS BODY INTO LITTLE PIECES!"

"What the hell is going on here?" Kendall turned around to see Kelly rush in with a concerned expression. He grinned impishly at her, to which she responded with her typical weariness. "Kendall, you know better than to rile him up like this so early in the morning."

"Hey, all I did was tell him what he wanted to hear. I am completely innocent here."

"Yeah, and I'm Wanda Sykes." She walked over to the raging music director and pulled him into his chair with surprising ease. "Now, you're won't have to be anyone's bear. Just sit there and count to a hundred."

"One… two… three…"

"Yeah, it'll be such a loss to the gay community" laughed the blonde. Gustavo's crimson turned blood red. "GET OUT!"

With a playful smirk wrapping itself around his lips, Kendall made a quick exit out of the charcoal confines of the small office. Given that he could still hear Gustavo's rants forcefully wind themselves through the door and the fact that poor Carlos had no idea what molten anger lay in store for him, he surmised that the band would have the rest of the day off. "He makes it far too easy" he thought blissfully, casually strolling into the main passage. "No one was ever like this back home." He paused momentarily. "Well, no one meant to be" he corrected himself. The smile gradually faded from his lips. He was growing tired of this – every time he thought of Logan, he felt as if he was treading on broken glass. It wasn't far from the truth: he was the cause for whatever heartache the brunette went through, even though it had been unintentional. "I'm so fucking tired of feeling guilty over something I have no control over" he mused broodingly. "Every time he's with me, I have to be this completely restrained robot that has to keep making stupid small talk." His rage turned to guilt after a few more steps. "I shouldn't have asked for his help. That just made everything worse… and that kiss." He clicked his tongue impatiently. "It must have sent the poor guy into overdrive."

Truth be told, that one collision of lips against cheek was more of a spontaneous action on Kendall's part. Logan had gone through so much effort to try and make that night special for him and Jo, and the brunette's labor was rewarded with a deserted blonde and an empty apartment. Somewhere in between his rage and sympathy, Kendall lost all thought and simply acted. Strangely, he wasn't repulsed nor attracted to it. It just seemed natural, so fluid in execution. Love, lust and friendship played no part in this equation –it was one neutral act that left him feeling guilty over how it might be taken. "How do I tell him? How do I say that I kissed him because I felt bad for him?" The blonde shook his head. "And today was looking so promising five minutes ago."

Turning towards the direction of the glass table, the blonde frowned at the scrawled writing on the notepad. Kelly usually left one there incase she ever forgot the one in her pocket, but since she never did, this one usually stayed blank. Picking it up lightly, Kendall frowned at the untidy curl of the words. There was definitely something familiar about this handwriting. He allowed his eyes to fall onto each word individually and decipher its meaning from its messy transition on the paper. Slowly, his eyes widened in horror, feeling each of those same words bypass his eyes and pound resoundingly against his soul. Only one person could have written this with such haunting emotion. "Do you hate me that much Logan?" he whispered softly, feeling his breath catch in his lungs. His fingers gently traced over the paper. "I'll free you from me, I swear."

/*\\/*\\/*\\/*\\/*\\

"_Leo gave her that smile that made her weak in the knees. He said nothing, he didn't have to. He just pulled her body even closer to his so that her senses were completely overwhelmed by his body. She could practically taste the sizzle of lust cracking across his skin. "Be gentle" she whispered softly._ Dear God, no wonder my mother is addicted to this stuff!" Logan turned his head from the TV to give Katie an indignant stare. "Don't you think you're a little too young to be reading that?" he asked, pointing to the thick book in her hands. His gaze took in the rippling muscles of the shirtless stable boy and the fragile young woman he held on the cover. His eyes narrowed bewilderedly. To him, if the ardent couple ever got around the decidedly over described foreplay, they were surely to encounter some mechanical problems, given the huge difference in body sizes. "It would be like the Hulk making love to a pixie" he thought worriedly.

"Logan, I'm going to tell you something I was saving for your funeral" said Katie bluntly, cutting her eyes straight across the top of her ill-begotten novel to meet the brunette with a powerful glint in her eyes. Logan couldn't help but smile at her intensity: she had inherited her brother's passionate gaze. Whenever the Knight children looked at someone, they saw past the material to look right down at the soul. "And what would that be?"

"You're wound up too tight."

"And when during my funeral would you say that?"

"Somewhere in between the speeches and the food." She returned her eyes to the tiny print of her romantic tome. "Wow, now that's the way to take off panties!"

Logan went back to paying the flat screen his full attention: it worked for five seconds before his mind started obsessing over Katie's words. Maybe he was too uptight. "But I have to be. If I just gave into whatever I felt, there's no telling who could get hurt." His left hand drifted upward and landed gently on his cheek, almost in the exact position where Katie's brother had kissed him. He could almost feel the soft satin of Kendall's lips still impressing themselves on his skin. He expelled an angry cloud of breath from his nose. Did the idiot even know what he did? It had been two days since it happened, and not a single word had arisen about what happened. Kendall had filled every moment with talk of the weather or the Minnesota Wild's progress. The brunette had become an awkward bystander in his own bedroom, living off unwanted scraps of conversation, while his heart burned incandescently for an answer. This was what he hated about the blonde: at times, Kendall could be an unpredictable jackass. All he had to do was walk into the room, and every little detail Logan had so perfectly defined about his life would inexplicably plummet to his feet. "I will get over you" thought the brunette venomously. "Even if I have to end up killing myself trying, I will forget you ever had me wrapped around your finger."

As if by some arcane magic, apartment 2J's door opened slowly to give way to Kendall looming in the hallway. He wore a benign smile across his face, beaming intensely at the living room's two occupants. Logan gave an inaudible scoff. He saw right through the blonde's innocent smirk: he was up to something. He had seen that elfin twist of lips too many times before to simply ignore the events of what was about to come, and an insidious tingle down his spine told him he would be caught in the storm. "I've had enough of this" he thought, lifting himself off the couch with a prudent grace. As he walked over to the refrigerator, he watched carefully as the blonde engaged his sister in a deep conversation about whether she was old enough to know the implications of what foreplay eventually lead to. "Hey, he could be suffering from erectile dysfunction for all I know!" screeched the younger Knight in a harpy-like rage. Logan rolled his eyes as he pulled out a bottle of water from the chilled depths. "These Knights and their issues" he contemplated sardonically.

Leaving the two siblings to battle it out, the brunette quietly retreated to the confines of his bedroom, feeling his head start to cloud up in a haze. Perhaps Kendall would never fully know what he did to him. "Every cause has an effect, right?" he thought, pulling open the drawer to reveal the box of tiny white pills to the softened light of the room. His fingers made fast work of opening the box and pushing one of the tiny discs from its foil. "So if I stop the effect, the cause should go away… I hope." A slug of water followed a quick gulp of the bitter tablet, before he pushed the Lexamil box back into the drawer and out of sight. He closed his eyes and sighed. "You'll never give a break, will you?" he moaned softly. "You just keep destroying me until there's nothing left."

"I wouldn't put it quite that way." Logan swiftly swung around to see Kendall close the door behind them, wearing an unreadable expression on his face. The brunette's heart thumped erratically against his chest, but he firmly stood his ground. He stared stubbornly across the room to meet the blonde's sea green irises with his own fiery chocolate pair. Kendall threw him a small smile. In two rapid steps, he closed off the distance between them and came right up against the smaller boy. Logan didn't have time to react – all he could do was gasp softly for air as his head lost all sense of reason. He looked up fearfully, but the blonde gave away nothing. "You hate me, don't you?" he whispered. The possessive growl in his voice catapulted the brunette into a sensuous hell. "I… I-"

"Not a word." Instantly, Logan felt a hand wrap itself around his neck. His breath shortened in response, coming out in quick wheezes. He saw Kendall stare at him intensely, almost longingly, before pressing his head against the wall. "Ken… Kendall, let go" he gasped. The blonde snorted. "Isn't this what you want – me being this close to you?" He lowered his head until his lips were millimeters apart from the brunette's. He could feel them quiver in the small pocket of air between their faces. "Don't you love me?" He didn't wait for an answer. His lips roughly bruised Logan's, ignoring the soft skin's plea to let go. His tongue ran passionate streaks against the barrier of the brunette's lips before slicing them open with a forceful twitch. He heard the smaller boy moan imploringly, feeling his body give terrified shudders under his hold. He had achieved what he came to do. Retreating his tongue back into its cavern, he relinquished his grasp on Logan's neck and separated their mouths with a jagged push. He watched carefully as the brunette caught his breath with quaking gasps and startled pants. The fire in those eyes were utterly extinguished, fear had made its home there now. He pushed down his head once more to finish the job. "You taste sweet" he whispered, and watched as Logan Mitchell returned his vacant watch with a gaze that spoke of untold destruction inside of him. In the space of a few minutes, Kendall had successfully redefined heartbreak.

/*\\/*\\/*\\/*\\/*\\

"Fuck him" thought the brunette angrily as he turned on the shower. The warm spray of water did little to comfort him: it had been hours since Kendall had violated him, but he could still feel the blonde's fingers burning into his skin. The taste of his tongue had yet to fade from his lips, however wickedly delicious it was. Every minute was indistinguishable from the next, yet each one seemed to send him to a new circle of hell. His misery seemed to know no confines, proceeding to shut his body down in series of withering drains. Only his anger seemed to keep him standing on his feet, the rest of him wanted to fade away into the searing blackness consuming his heart. "What the fuck is wrong with him?" he thought wrathfully, forcefully rubbing his skin with the soaped sponge in his hand. "What am I, some toy that he can play with? Damn him to hell!"

Logan paused momentarily to allow the blonde's words to travel right through him. "_Isn't this what you want?_" He dropped the sponge, feeling the airy lather he'd built slide across each pore of skin as it journeyed to the bottom of the shower. "I really do want you. But not like this, not when I'm just something you can use." The brunette sighed, trying to concentrate on something else. Possessed by the rapturous touch of the man he loved, neither his body nor mind declined to listen. He focused his ears on the shower, but they refused to hone in on the soft hiss of water. He had to admit it – Kendall Knight had so skillfully ensnared him, there was no way out of his trap. "Fuck, now I'm like that girl in Katie's book."

The brunette reached out to switch the tap off when he felt a pair of hands rest lightly on his hips. Instantly, the sensuous fingertips lightly traced across the milky skin against his bones, tempting his heart into a wild dance for the second time today. Logan's hand missed the tap, instead opting to slam his palm against the steamed tiles for support. "I'll scream" he whispered, feeling the words burn themselves into his throat. "You'll be done for."

"Kind of hard to scream when no one's around to hear you" said the blonde delicately. The quiet sensuousness of his murmur tingled it way into the brunette's spine. Logan swung his other hand back, feeling his fingers collide with the wet denim of Kendall's jeans. His body grew weak as the seconds passed – he didn't know whether it was because he was too broken to fight back or if he just didn't want to. The blonde exuded a magic too powerful to rebel against. His breath blasted itself into short clouds as one of the enchanting hands against his body snaked a heady trail up his body and rested itself against his neck. With just the slightest hint of a push, Logan's head rolled backwards and fell heavily against Kendall's waiting shoulder. Before they shielded their shimmering mahogany from the world, the brunette's eyes looked up at the ceiling and saw the lights had been dimmed. This was obviously a planned attack, and a damn good one at that.

"Stop… please" moaned Logan. His heart stopped as he felt the blonde's hand artfully rest on his growing member. Had he not already surrendered to the lusty assault on his bother, he would have surely turned vermillion out of modesty. "You say you want me to stop" whispered Kendall. His hand gave the brunette's erection a single stroke, teasing a cry of pleasure from his throat. "But your body says otherwise."

"Why are you doing this?" breathed Logan, feeling an inferno go off in his body. He fidgeted his body in one last attempt to escape, but the blonde held him tightly in place. "I think the answer's obvious" he whispered. He slowly began to caress the brunette's erection, feeling the quakes of bodily delight course through the smaller boy. Gradually increasing the pace, he allowed himself a small smirk. "Kendall, I-"

"Don't speak Logan. Just go with it." The air practically filled itself with a tangible hunger for passion, driving the brunette into an aching nirvana. Moan after moan, each one with its own unique call of desire, escaped the brunette's throat. He could feel his release building up in his body, responding to the blonde's every touch. Just the feeling of his love's skin against his own was enough to murder him. "Don't fight me, please" rumbled the blonde deeply. Logan bit his lip, and felt the hand on his groin give one last stroke of his member. With a guttural scream, he erupted, losing his head completely to the wave of bliss tearing him right down to his essence. His body shuddered uncontrollably, but his limp being stood solidly against Kendall's taller form. His breaths barely took in the air around him, rather opting to stay in his lungs for fear of body falling apart. This wasn't supposed to happen, this shouldn't have happened! Yet, the pair of lips sinfully carving their way into his shoulder told a different story. "You still taste sweet" whispered Kendall softly. His voice fell right down to the brunette's soul, entangling a bit of itself in every layer it went through. Logan shut his eyes hopelessly. There was no way he'd ever escape now.

**OK, so that's chapter 5 hope you all enjoyed that. Please leave a review and tell me what you thought! Till next time!**


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6: The Things That Make My World Go Round**

**Disclaimer:** No, I don't own them, and neither do you

**Author's Note:** Hey guys! So I know this update is a bit quicker than I usually would do, but ever since the last chapter all I've been thinking of is this story. So, out of the kindness of my heart, here's the next installment. Please enjoy, and HIT THAT REVIEW BUTTON!

The warm cascade of water seemed oblivious to the brunette and the blonde standing still in the shower, both of them rendered motionless by their passion. Logan's eyes painfully rested themselves onto the dripping wet tiles. The dark sapphire squares kept swimming in and out of his vision, never once righting themselves to their original shape. His breath stilled across his chest as he felt Kendall's hand leave his limp member and place itself under the running water. There, all across the blonde's hand lay the proof of his shame. Streaks of white ran themselves off the firm pink flesh and disappeared into the formerly comforting globules of warmth. How easily his body had betrayed him, preferring to steep itself entirely in lust than listen to the anger roaring in his heart. Futile attempts were made by his head to wrap what little reason it had around what had just happened, but it all seemed too surreal to have happened. The Kendall he thought he knew so well, the person he had convinced himself that he'd never love, had made a pawn of him in whatever sick game he was playing. If his heart was broken before, it was beyond repair now. All that lay within the brunette's chest was a chasm of pain that seemed to implode his essence. Everything had changed now.

"Logan?" Kendall returned his hand to the brunette's waist before rubbing his lips across the edge of his ear. His teeth caught the smaller boy's earlobe and gave it a playful tug. "You have me, right here, right now." His grip on Logan's body grew tighter, almost pulling the brunette's form into his own. "Tell me what you want. Anything babe," he whispered teasingly. Logan shut his eyes, trying desperately not to fall apart at the lustful snarl caressing his ears. "I promise." Was it so easy for Kendall to lie? Calling upon every fiber he still controlled in his body, his hands weakly drifted down to his waist and gently pried apart the pair who held on to him so possessively. "Leave" he murmured faintly, feeling his head swim against its own axis. The world before him was fast becoming streaks of blurred color instead of definite shape. If the blonde stayed against his naked body any longer, he was certain to lose himself completely. "Just leave me alone… please." Surprisingly, his wish was granted: without a single word, Kendall planted one last, lingering kiss against the nape of his neck before awkwardly climbing his way out of the shower. The brunette fixated himself with the network of grit in between the tiles, but picked up on every squelch the blonde's jeans made against the floor. He could clearly see every movement the blonde made towards the door without having to set eyes on him – he knew that much at least. After an eternity had passed, the door finally shut, leaving Logan alone with the ghosts of his misery. Gasping, he thrust himself into the jets of water, trying anything to feel alive again.

They certainly didn't make water hot enough – Logan's skin turned a fine shade of red under the drenching assault, but it did little to boil off his indignity. This time, the blonde had gone too far. It was one thing to pull him right back into this vulnerability, but actually going out of his way to violate him was too dark and twisted for him to handle. It mocked the brunette for ever feeling anything but friendship towards him. Everything Logan had ever trusted, ever known about the blonde, had suddenly inverted itself into dark reflections he could no longer recognize. Apart from anything, he had banked upon never having any physical contact with him: it was one of the main things that stopped him from brazenly walking up to his love and locking their lips together in careless abandon. "No need for that anymore" thought the brunette callously, shutting off the water with a series of quick turns on the tap. He dropped his head to watch the remaining streams circle ominously around the drain, trying their best to fight their fate. "Did I really want this?" He shook his head slightly. "No. You will not win Kendall. I'll fight this and you, even if I have to slit my wrists doing it."

/*\\/*\\/*\\/*\\/*\\

Logan opened the door with a hesitant push to see the blonde already waiting for him. The brunette's sparkling chocolate gaze took in the change of dry clothes before they averted to the floor with a bleak smile. "We should have told that architect to make this passageway bigger" he murmured, sensing Kendall slowly move towards him in cautious steps. Momentarily blinded by the loud cherry shades of his love's shirt, Logan looked upwards to rest his eyes in the soothing soft green staring back at him. There could have been every hint of insidiousness lurking within them, but he saw no trace of it. He knew it was because he chose not to see it – he didn't care if that concern radiating serenely through their olive shards was honest or not. It didn't matter anymore: he was too devastated to try and piece himself back together and feel anything. This was where he would make his home now, in isolation from the rainbow of human emotion to stop his vulnerability from overwhelming him.

Still searching the ever-shifting green for his heart, the brunette lifted his hand tenderly placed his fingertips against Kendall's skin. Firmly rebelling against the urge to relish in the passionate warmth of his cheek, Logan dragged his fingers down to the seductive bee-stung lips, allowing each one of them to get caught in between the hedonistic petals. As each finger fell, the brunette felt his heart die in slow increments. This absolute god standing before him would never fall under his possession, and he had to feel the scorching sorrow of that lesson to get that into his psyche and never let it leave. Fantasies were just that – unreal emotions that suffocated his life until his breath ceased. No more. He had to grow up, to move on from this… somehow.

Leaning forward, Logan shut his eyes and felt the ecstatic collision of his lips against the blonde's. He felt his waist being wrapped around in that same clasp he had felt five minutes ago. Kendall's tongue worked its magic, cunningly sliding into his mouth, making the brunette feel like he was tasting heaven. It was such exquisite torture to know that this would never be. The brunette pulled his head back and watched the disinterest of the blonde's face show the smallest hint of breaking. "What was that for?" he asked softly, carefully watching Logan as if he'd break. The brunette gave him a tiny smirk. "Just to make sure you weren't telling the truth."

"I don't get it."

"You don't have to." With a weary sigh, he freed himself from Kendall's hands and maneuvered himself to the other end of the passage. "Can I ask why?" he said quietly, staring imploringly at the blonde. Kendall dropped his head acquiescingly. "I found the note at the record company. No prizes for who wrote it." He slowly reached his hand into his pocket and produced a small, rectangular box. Logan instantly recognized the white and lavender markings. "Where'd you get that?"

"From your drawer, while I was looking for spare boxers. What is it?" The brunette's eyes narrowed. His line of sight moved constantly between the blonde's face and the box he held like some kind of trophy. It was now or never – at least he'd have the decency to play an open hand. "They're antidepressants."

"Antidepressants?" Kendall took several steps forward, causing the brunette to retreat by an equal number of shuffles. "Logan, you don't need these."

"Actually, I kind of think that I do" said Logan. His voice quivered faintly, but his tone remained firm. He shook his head despondently. "I can't take this anymore Kendall. I can't keep feeling this way and having to hide it from you. And after today… I don't know anymore."

"Are you blaming me for this?" asked Kendall incredulously. He gave a sort, disbelieving laugh. "You're saying this is my fault?"

"No-"

"What about when I'm around with you, huh? I never know how to act when we're alone because I'm always so fucking afraid of hurting you! I mean, you keep saying that you love me, what the hell do you expect me to do about it?"

"Nothing!" cried Logan loudly. His chest heaved in and out in coercive blasts of air. "I don't want anything from you. But what you did just now, that goes beyond everything I've ever trusted about you."  
>"You want to know why I did it?" asked the blonde. With his question barely hanging in the air, he slid forward and grabbed Logan by the arms. His eyes blazed in a jade inferno, seeing nothing but the person in front of him stare defiantly back into his face. "I read every single word in that note" he growled furiously. "Every fucking word and it struck me like a tone of bricks. Not in my head Logan, in my heart. When I read that, I cared for you more than a friend. I thought that if I got you to hate my freaking guts enough, really destroy anything in between us; that you'd get over whatever the hell this is!"<p>

"That wasn't your decision to make" said the brunette softly, still burning his gaze into Kendall's eyes. The blonde's mouth thinned dramatically. "Someone had to, because you never could. You never will."

"I already have."

/*\\/*\\/*\\/*\\/*\\

For the first time since the inception of her practice, Dr. Harding's hand remained frozen in midair, grasping onto her pen for dear life. Not once did the nib make contact with page to make its usual comments about what Logan had said or did. It wasn't that she was shocked: over the years, she had seen her fair share of the human mind, and the dark places it landed in. This time around, she felt a surging empathy for the brunette. To be so young and to look on the world so dejectedly was truly a curse. The path to acceptance of who a person defined themselves to be was always a difficult one – some chose to forge ahead brazenly, while others willingly slipped themselves into eternal silence of death. Never had she seen someone who just travelled this path because they simply had to. Logan Mitchell was something akin to the discovery of the Americas for the psychological field, but even more so, he cut such a lonely figure, that one couldn't help but feel sorry for him. "Sympathy can only get him so far" she thought, watching the brunette's every movement. "He needs to do the rest himself." 

"And that's pretty much what happened" said Logan quietly. He couldn't bear to look directly at the shrink. Reliving the memories of yesterday tore at his heart, and it didn't help that Kendall had spent the night sleeping on the couch. "Logan?"

"Yes?"

"Look at me."

"No."

"Why not?"

"You feel sorry for me."

"I'm a shrink, its my job to feel sorry for you." The brunette shook his head resiliently, keeping his eyes roving to anywhere but the woman in front of him. "What if he's right?" he asked hoarsely. "What if this is my fault?"

"Logan, listen to me. You're not to blame here, OK? Falling in love with him doesn't give him to use your body like a toy." The brunette let out a wistful strand of breath. "No, that's not what I mean. Well, not entirely at least." He cocked his head thoughtfully. "He's trying to make me hate him."

"Do you?"

"A little, but not entirely. There's too much between us, even if I think that I don't know any more." He finally locked eyes with Dr. Harding, ignoring the blatant pity in her eyes. "But maybe he is right. I should have been over him a long time ago. I knew he couldn't be mine, but I still kept at it. And look where I've ended up… it's over."

"Where to from here?" asked Dr. Harding. She watched, fascinated as the brunette pondered her question carefully. "Only one way out" he said eventually. "It might be too late, but its something I should have done a long time ago."

/*\\/*\\/*\\/*\\/*\\

"Logan, what can I do for you?" asked Gustavo loudly, stirring his coffee with a heavily ringed hand. "And please don't say that some snot rag magazine said that you're gay too! My poor head can only take so much." The brunette threw the record manager a small smirk. "Yeah, how are things going with Carlos?"

"We just spent the last hour trolling the city for the best corn dog stands" groaned Gustavo wearily. "Why couldn't he be like everyone else and have a crack addiction?"

"He's too innocent for that. He gets scared every time Doctor Doom appears on _Fantastic Four_."

"Now there's an idea… I could use that to get him off my tail." The record manager rubbed his chin, contemplating on how a fictional mad scientist could be for distractive purposes. "Yeah, that could totally work! I could dress up, and have Kelly do the voice; she really does a good baritone-"

"Gustavo, I need to talk to you about something."

"Make it quick, I have to phone the costume company." Logan took a deep breath in to steel the butterflies thumping around in his stomach. It had all come down to this, this one sentence to change his life forever. It scared him into an anxious numbness – he didn't know what lay beyond this, but he had to be brave. The time had come for the man in him to do what the boy could not. "I'm leaving Big Time Rush."

**Oh no! What's going to happen next? Even I don't know! Will Logan really leave? Will Kendall let him go? Will Gustavo really violate one of Stan Lee's best creations? Hit that review button, and all shall be revealed in the next chapter ;) Ciao!**


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7: Swan Song**

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Big Time Rush or any of the characters, and all my savings went down the drain so now I'll never own Nickelodeon! I'm going to die unhappy!

**Author's Note:** Hey guys, what's up? I hope everyone is doing well! OK, so I'd like to say a HUGE thank you to everyone who read, reviewed and alerted the previous chapter of this story, and the last chapter of _You, Me & Everything In Between_. I'm really glad you all liked it, and it means a lot that you guys took the time to say all the nice things that you did. It's been a while since I last updated this story, but better late than never huh? Hope you all like it, and please let me know what you thought Oh, by the way, anything written in italics in this chapter takes place in the past and everything in 'normal' font is the present. Enjoy!

_The brunette's heart twisted sickeningly in his chest as he stared out into the velvet darkness of the Los Angeles night. The moon, shy as ever, hid its silver beauty behind the distant clap of thunder. The heavens opened with little warning, softly kissing the earth with its wet luxuriousness. Not a single star lit up the sky, and the usual glow from the city was barely noticeable. "It's a sign" he thought dejectedly, starting to anxiously pace around the small confines of his room. Outside, he heard James and Carlos have their usual battle with their dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets, while Mrs. Knight furiously interrogated her daughter as to the whereabouts of the new romance novel she had just purchased. The one person he was waiting hadn't shown up yet –but he couldn't be blamed. He was on top of the world: he was one quarter of a very successful boy band, and he had the girl of his dreams. Why should he care that one of his best friends had hopelessly given his heart and soul to him without him even knowing?_

_Logan's hand landed tenderly on his chest and felt the edgy vibrations of his heart dancing away in his chest. He wasn't sure how much more of this he could take. For someone usually so composed as he was, emotions did not sit well in the order of his life, but when it came to the seductive charms of Kendall Knight, logic tended to become a little warped to say the least. When it all began, he didn't know – he just wanted it to end. Being in love with him tore him to pieces, and he could feel the pain slowly bring out a part he never knew he had; a dark side that screamed out for help to become whole again. Every time the blonde entered his thoughts, his mind was dragged to a hell that didn't know its boundaries, where every little feeling magnified itself into torturous swords that ran right through him. It had weakened him, robbed him to the point where even breathing became a chore. "But he'll never know" whispered the brunette, feeling his voice break hoarsely out of his mouth. "He'll never understand any of this, so me doing this is pointless… but it won't stop until I hear it from him… he needs to tell me that he can't feel the same." Logan shuddered at the thought. Until now, he'd known the truth all along, but tonight would be a new honesty; this was the point where it all became real. Whether or not he could survive it was another crisis all together. Maybe Kendall would let his fist ram itself into his face until it was covered in crimson, or maybe he'd maintain an icy wall and never speak to him again: whatever the case, Logan had no doubt that the possibility of a love returned was improbable. How he wished he could just close his eyes and let whatever he felt evaporate into nothingness and let everything right itself to the way it was supposed to be, but life had cruelly decided to deal an unfortunate hand in his fate. To be so close to the one he loved and never have him was nothing short of the most malicious forms of hurt. He was truly a man beyond broken._

_The brunette's ears alerted him to the soft swing of the door opening, sending the air in his lungs out in three short pulses. His eyes saw nothing but the object of his affection throwing him an impish smirk. The storm outside had soaked him completely, but there was something about his drenched appearance that lured the brunette into a slight hope. The tiny drops of water falling from the blonde's face contrasted sharply with the shimmering green of his eyes, giving him a vulnerable beauty that the world had never seen in him. Time considerately stopped itself, allowing Logan to take it all in: one last lingering look before it all blew up right in front of him. He'd never gaze upon his friend this way again, not if he wanted to live._

"_Man, it's really pouring out there" exclaimed the blonde cheerfully as he headed over to his closet. With a casual tug, he whipped out a towel and brought it to his face, erasing the ethereal aura of his cloud-kissed face. Logan smiled sadly to himself as he felt a sharp pain break out across his chest. This was the Kendall he knew, the young man who faced the world with an indomitable spirit and dared to laugh in the face of adversity. This was the person who ruled over him, who could unknowingly manipulate him with the effortless magic of his being. This was the way he chose to live, to suffer silently along the sidelines as his heartache progressed to new lows, spiraling beyond his control – a helpless puppet to his unrequited desire, turning the simplest of gestures into heartfelt actions. This was his curse. "Hey, are you alright?" Logan looked straight ahead at the blonde, who had tilted his head enquiringly. A genuine concern flashed somewhere in the emerald sea of his eyes. The brunette reminded himself that it wasn't love, merely sympathy for a pathetic friend. "I'm good." He clenched his hand into a quivering fist. Blood flushed his face, turning his soft, milky skin into a swathe of illustrious pink. "Actually, no, I'm not."_

"_Is something wrong? You don't look so good."_

"_Yeah… something's definitely wrong. Can you give me just five minutes?" Kendall frowned bewilderedly. "Sure, but why?" Logan silently walked over to the door and slowly shut it, never once giving himself the opportunity to escape. The trial had begun. "There's something you need to know."_

/*\\/*\\/*\\/*\\/*\\

Logan let out a deep breath and eased back into the chair, feeling a knotted tension freeze up his shoulders. Things had not as smoothly as he hoped, but he'd expected this. Gustavo Rocque wasn't a man to take bad news lying down, and the thought of Big Time Rush losing a member didn't exactly give him good vibes. "I wonder if it's really about the band's image" thought the brunette sardonically. "Maybe he's more worried that I won't be there to go against the schemes we cook up. Well, I guess Kendall could-" He immediately killed the thought. If the blonde entered his head now, all hope of leaving this prison of a life would be gone. This had to be at least one of the rational decisions he made in the last six months, even if it was borne out of chaos. For this to succeed, everything had to go off like clockwork, and the most fundamental step was the record company. If this went favorably, everything else was nothing more than polite formalities. "I hope they'll forgive me one day" contemplated Logan melancholically. "I can't let James or Carlos know the truth, but HE'LL know." He dropped his line of sight to the small table in front of his seat. The pad and pen still lay in their nonchalant positions on the table. Apart from the top sheet being torn off, they lay virtually untouched by other hands – like so many other facets of his life, only Kendall knew of its existence and unceremoniously lorded it over his head. "He's done more than that. He's changed me somehow." Logan rolled his head back and closed his eyes. "I can't trust him, not now, not ever." He bit his lip unconsciously. "But it's not entirely his fault. I keep wanting him to know how I'm feeling. There's always this part of me that's so addicted to what he is, and its getting harder to fight."

The sound of clicking heels snapped the brunette out of his world of thoughts, setting him into an upright position on the chair. He looked up to see Kelly wearily meet his gaze before collapsing beside him. "It took a while, but I finally calmed him down."

"Where is he now?"

"I don't know, I called Buddha Bob to take him out to meditate."

"Think it'll work?"

"It did the last time." Logan gave her a small smile before averting his gaze to the floor. "I really screwed things up, didn't I?" Kelly leaned forward in her seat. "Just help me understand what's going on here Logan. You have the entire world at your feet. Girls everywhere have your poster on their walls and your CD in their stereos, why would you want to leave all of that?"

"It's kind of complicated."

"I work for Gustavo, I've seen my fair share of complicated." She pursed her lips together into a thin line. "For example, I've had to intervene on many occasions to prevent pictures of him at strip clubs from leaking to the press."

"Seriously?" Kelly nodded sagely. "And believe me when I say that those photos were not a pretty sight." Logan let out a soft laugh before returning his expression to its classic blankness. He owed them at least some kind of explanation. "Have you ever had a feeling that your life isn't turning out the way you've planned it? Like you've gone to sleep, only to wake up and find everything's gone to heck?"

"Brother, you are preaching to the choir" sighed the assistant tiredly. "You know, I've always wanted to go to business school, but somehow I ended up… here." She looked around wistfully. "Sure, I have my moments where I want to strangle Gustavo and then wonder where it all went wrong, and those are every second day incase you're wondering. But really, I don't think that I'd have gotten the chance to see the world like I see it now if I did take that Harvard business scholarship." She gave a proud flick of her hair. "Somewhere along the line, the way you view your life becomes different. That doesn't mean your goals die, they just change."

"Sounds like quite the fairytale."

"Well, I'm no Cinderella." She looked intensely at the brunette, burning a hole right through him with her concern . "And I'm no guru either, but aren't you too young to be wondering about all of this? You're not even twenty yet." Logan gave an elongated exhalation. "I've… I've been seeing a shrink" he said quietly, still unable to meet the assistant's concerned watch. "She diagnosed me with depression." He heard Kelly gasp for air incredulously next to him. Instantly, a pang of guilt set off in his stomach. This was the price of his selfishness. "And you're only letting this out now?" exclaimed the assistant loudly, waving her hands around like a windmill. "Why didn't you tell someone?"

"Because it's hard." He finally rose his head and met her eyes with his cocoa ones, carrying a sad wisdom within them. "It suffocates you, and the more you fight it, the tighter it grips you." Kelly shook her head bemusedly. "OK, there has to be some cause, right? So if we just find out what it is, we can-"

"No you can't fix this" said the brunette softly. "This isn't one of our plans where everything sorts itself out in the end."

"Logan, you can't leave. I mean, what will happen to the band?"

"They can still be a trio. Or you can find a replacement for me. It's all up to guys now."

"It won't be the same." Logan let out a quiet snigger. He turned his head away from Kelly to look straight ahead at the ebony logo on the wall in front of him, sharply contrasting the fluorescent-lit glass behind it. There was so much to say goodbye to: even the tiny things he'd taken for granted would add up into one big nostalgic tsunami. Already, he felt himself crumbling, but he had to stay strong. If he could make it through this, he'd be free. "I owe myself this Kelly" he said finally. His voice was barely a whisper, but it commanded the atmosphere in the lobby to slow down to stillness. The weariness in his tone spoke of maturity beyond his years, of feelings that someone his age shouldn't be concerned with. "I wish there was some other way, but there isn't. If I don't do this… I'm not sure I could survive what I'm feeling right now." He turned to face the assistant once more, letting his beseeching eyes entrance her. "I hope you can understand."

"No, I don't. Are you sure this is what you want?"

"More than anything in my entire life."

/*\\/*\\/*\\/*\\/*\\

_The thunder cracked across the sky louder this time. The raindrops had given up on their gentle persuasion and proceeded to attack the Palm Woods in cascading sheets of water. Lightning broke across the clouds, illuminating the room in blinding white flashes. Logan shifted anxiously on his feet, wishing that a bolt from above would reduce him to ashes. He couldn't stand the blonde's bewildered stare anymore. He didn't need the angry tattoo of his blood, nor the butterflies streaking rapidly in his stomach, to tell him that he'd made the biggest mistake in the eighteen years of existence. The silence fell like an anvil between the two of them, echoing the worried thoughts chasing each other in the brunette's head. Each one seemed more ridiculous than its ancestor, but they all gave way to one singular certainty: he had murdered whatever relationship he had with the blonde._

"_I'm sorry, I think I misheard you" said Kendall uncertainly. He took a step forward, but the smaller boy gave nothing away apart from his words. "No, you heard right" he murmured, feeling an inexplicable lightheadedness take over him. "Please don't make me say it again."_

"_Logan, I… wait, l can't make sense of this."_

"_Don't. I've tried for so long and I've gotten nowhere." Kendall raised his eyebrows. "Wow… this… woah."_

"_Yeah, that pretty much sums it up." Logan stared intensely at his feet. The throbbing pain in his chest grew to a roaring hurt, utterly shattering his heart. No matter how much this killed him, he had to hear it. This had to end – he couldn't stand it anymore. He watched on anxiously as Kendall carefully sat down on his bed. "You know that I'm with Jo right?" he said softly. "So you and I… we can't be together, even if I wanted to. I mean, not that I don't want to, you're a great guy, but I… damn it, this is hard."_

"_I know. Kendall, I want you to know that I didn't tell you this to make you feel uncomfortable."_

"_Then why did you?" The blonde cocked his head innocently. "I'm not mad or anything, I just want to know."_

"_I want… I need to get over this." He stole a glance at the blonde frowning intensely at the floor. Clearly, he had thrown him a curveball. Somewhere deep inside him, Logan felt guilt explode in between the shards of where his heart had once been. This wasn't Kendall's problem, it was his – he had to deal with it alone. "Can I ask why?" asked the blonde carefully. He looked up concernedly at the brunette, but the cocoa eyes evaded him, preferring instead to look at the floor. "I mean, girls go wild over you. Camille would gladly sell her right arm if it meant she could sleep with you. Why bother with me?"_

"_If I knew, I wouldn't feel this way" smiled Logan sadly. "Look, just forget I ever said anything, OK?"_

"_Are you two coming out for dinner?" Katie knocked furiously on the door, her tiny knuckle raps barely audible above the storm outside. "You'd better get out and eat before Mom goes all PMS on you." In the distance, Mrs. Knight protested loudly against her daughter's statement, shouting that she was far too young to know what such terms meant. Logan lifted his head, and met the blonde's eyes with his own vacant stare. Everything was over between them – even if Kendall didn't mind the unrequited affection, he would. He would always know that on a random stormy night in Los Angeles, he had confessed his love to its recipient and felt a world full of polite rejection weigh upon his shoulders. "Let the disconnect begin" he thought despondently. He reached out a hand to open the door, but the moment he felt the cold steel come into contact with his fingers, the weariness of his emotional scars took their toll. The world refused to stop spinning, letting its colors meld into one uniform streak of black. His knees buckled, giving way to gravity's untamed attraction, and in the space of a breath his mind formed one thought before it became one with unconsciousness: "I love you."_

/*\\/*\\/*\\/*\\/*\\

"Yeah Mom, the flight's tomorrow. It's kind of expensive, but I'll be home sooner."

"Logan, are you sure you want to do this?" The brunette sighed wearily, feeling the walls of his room close in upon him. He was already getting sick of that question – did people really think that he was stupid enough not to consider it? The more he thought about it, the more he wanted time to speed up to tomorrow. He could already feel the cool air of the airport hover on his skin, anticipating the serene voice over the intercom to announce the flight back to Minnesota. It was strange how accustomed he was getting to pin his entire emotional bank on singular moments in his life: he'd have to learn to stop that, but his main focus right now was getting through the next twenty-four hours with as much of his dignity in tact as possible. "Yeah, I'm pretty sure."

A quiet creak caught Logan's attention, drawing his eyes to the imposing figure standing in the doorway. The warm mahogany of the brunette's eyes melted upon seeing his love stare accusingly back at him. The green shards in the blonde's eyes flashed irrationally, hardened by a fury that didn't bother to hide itself from its target. Logan's eyes meandered calmly across the mask of rage, noticing the heavy breath from the bee-stung lips punctuate the air with in all of its glorious energy, speaking of a betrayal too intense for words. Without even knowing, he had finally inflicted the first wound on the one he treasured. "Mom, I'll call you back tonight. Tell Dad I said hi. Yeah, I love you too." Unconsciously, his thumb slid across the phone's exit key, killing the one link he had outside of his incarceration. Until this time tomorrow, he was a trapped man, willing to pay any price for his freedom, no matter how high the price.

"You can't do this" whispered Kendall wrathfully. A dangerous quiver shook his voice to an injured curse, slicing right through the smaller boy. This time, he really meant it: he wanted to hurt Logan, wreck him entirely beyond repair so this wouldn't happen. There was no toying with him like before; whatever happened now was the consequence of the unbridled anger he felt at the brunette's treachery. "You can't leave."

"Was it Kelly?" said Logan quietly, continuing to stare beseechingly at the blonde. "Or Gustavo?"

"Fuck that Logan, you can't do this!" Logan's lips curled into a gloomy half smile. The good thing about this entire ordeal was that he couldn't be broken down any further. Any hope or glimmer of happiness he had had long since faded into the void consuming his mind. With nothing left to lose, all that was required of him was the stoic patience he wielded so artfully. "You can't stop me."

"I can sure as hell try." Kendall leapt across the room in his demon-possessed ire, slamming his fist into Logan's stomach. The brunette gave a winded yelp as he collapsed onto the waiting mattress, feeling the air in his lungs flee from him in shocked gasps. Somewhere next to him, his hand drop to the floor, rolling away from him in soft clatters. Kendall dominated the space above him, making sure the swimmingly brown eyes saw nothing but him. His hands lay on either side of the brunette's head, lifting his body mere millimeters above from Logan's. "Did you even think about us Logan?" he hissed through gritted teeth. He watched in grim satisfaction as the smaller boy struggled beneath him. Of their own accord, his hands left the bed momentarily, only to pin the brunette's wrists to the mattress. "Forget about me, what about James and Carlos? We're nothing without you!"

"Kendall, get off of me!"

"So what if you love me? So what if you're depressed that I'll never be with you, we can work this out!"

"We can't!"

"Why the hell not?"

"Because you kill me!" screamed the brunette, arching his body upwards. He felt the heat from the blonde's body radiate right into his skin and set him on fire. Screw the plan, there was no way he could get through this without suffering. Above him, his vision of Kendall blurred behind a film of tears, searing his eyes in their misery. "Ever since I've loved you, I've felt that there's something wrong with me" he whispered, feeling his every word burn against his throat. "And it's not always because you can never be mine."

"Logan-"

"There's something about you that changes me every time you're near me, and neither one of us can help it Kendall" whispered the brunette thickly. "If I stay here any longer, you'll kill me… and the worst of it is you might not even know it."

"Hello? Anyone home?" A clear, melodious voice rang through apartment 2J, echoing off the walls in the living room. Kendall continued to stare blankly at the quaking misery beneath him, drinking in every minute feature. His fingertips felt the pulse race through the wrists he held onto so slightly, fearing they may disappear if he ever let go. This couldn't end like this, not if he had his way. "In here Jo" he called loudly, watching Logan's eyes widen in terror. "What the heck do you think you're doing?" he whispered softly. "She'll walk in on us." Every single ounce of willpower abandoned him, leaving him open to attack. Kendall lowered his head and placed alongside Logan's, his lips a breath away form the brunette's ear. "If this is what it takes to make you stay, so be it" he murmured. He caught the smaller boy's earlobe in between his teeth and tugged at it gently. Logan shut his eyes and felt his soul slip away from him, never to return. He had been wrong; there was always a new low to discover. "Kendall, you can't do this."

"Watch me."

"Break me all you want, but if you hurt her…" His voice faltered, but he pushed ahead. "If you hurt her, I'll never forgive you." Kendall lifted his head and looked down carefully at Logan. He had never seen anyone so fragile before, so beyond their usual archetype. The smaller boy was the voice of reason amongst the four friends, the modesty to their audacity. To see him so devastated made the blonde realize he must have been a real monster, someone so sick and twisted, to have done this. For one second, the cold green eyes melted into the warm, limpid emerald, radiating a powerful sympathy. "I'll take care of her."

/*\\/*\\/*\\/*\\/*\\

"_Logan? God please, Logan wake up!" The brunette winced at his name, moaning softly as he fluttered his eyes open. Slowly but surely, his vision steadied from obscuring melds to clear sight. He gasped slightly upon seeing Kendall anxiously look down at him. "Wha… what happened?"_

"_You fainted" whispered the blonde softly. Outside the room door, apartment 2J still continued with its nightly ritual of raucous screeching and shouts, oblivious to the clandestine moment just shared between two friends who had felt their relationship shudder beneath their feet. Nothing could be taken for granted anymore – even the tiniest gesture could be interpreted in the wrong way. Logan flopped his head back onto the pillow. "How long was I out?" he groaned pathetically, still feeling his head spin around in a delirious orbit. The blonde grinned reassuringly. "A few minutes. I was this close to calling for help?" The brunette frowned. "You didn't tell them?"_

"_Can't you hear them outside? They're still at each other's throats." Logan sniggered appreciatively. It was moments like these that made his word go round, and it was these same points in time that led to his heart being stolen by the blonde at his side. He wasn't sure of anything anymore, especially when it came to himself. He'd have to be on pins and needles around Kendall. Why'd he have to be so stupid to go and make things worse for himself? He mentally cursed his inability to suffer in silence._

"_What the hell are you two doing in there, making love to each other?" called Katie irately, now bounding her fists and the door. "Get out and eat dinner!" Logan instantly felt a heated blush color his cheeks, and shifted his eyes towards the ceiling. Of course, the youngest Knight's tease was purely coincidental, but was just the beginning of torture. Soon, he'd have to live a lie to the world, a crushing pretense that required him to hide what he was in shame. He'd never make it through; it was all too much for him. _

"_Come on, let's go" said Kendall quietly, gently pulling at the smaller boy's sleeve. Logan turned his head towards him. "I don't think I can eat. Not now at least."_

"_You sure?" The brunette nodded weakly. "OK, I'll tell them you're asleep." With that typical impish smirk, the blonde squeezed Logan's wrist sympathetically and headed towards the door. The brunette let out a slow breath. "Kendall?"_

"_Yeah?" Logan gulped nervously. "Thank you." Kendall turned around and threw him a small smile. "I've got your back buddy."_

/*\\/*\\/*\\/*\\

By the time Logan had reached his bed that night, collapsing into it was all he was capable of. Dinner had been an irate affair to say the least: James and Carlos had pelted him with their baby carrots, declaring all out war. Mrs. Knight and Katie had been on unusually good terms, having an engrossed discussion about the character development in some new romantic novel; but Kendall was the one who had been conspicuous by his absence. Deep down, the brunette was grateful for him not showing up. "Then I would have had to have been the one to give tonight a skip" he contemplated wretchedly, laying on his side and staring out the window. It felt odd to him that there wasn't any nostalgia in these supposedly precious hours: he'd probably never see this place again, let alone the three friends who had been there his entire life. "Well two friends and an assailant" he muttered darkly. He sighed as he gazed out the window. Tonight, the sky came alive amongst the millions of stars it wore, rolling its velvet edges into infinity, unlike all those months ago. The sliver of moon gazed upon Logan Mitchell, too far away to care, but too empathetic to become detached. Two symmetrical tears cascaded down his cheeks, sullying the pure skin beneath them with their desolate saltiness. "I'll always love you" he thought. "No matter what you do to me, I'll never hate you." A soft choke came forth from deep within his throat. It was too late now – the damage was already done.

"I'm sorry." Logan closed his eyes as he felt a hand slowly trace the corner of his hip in feather light circles. It wasn't humanely possible for someone's touch to be this divine, but Kendall Knight had a knack for defying the odds. "It wasn't completely your fault" whispered the brunette quietly. "If I hadn't fallen in love with you, we wouldn't be here." He felt the silken petals of the blonde's lips obsessively covet the nape of his neck in barely-there kisses. The hand on his hip tenderly pulled his body closer to the solid form behind him. Kendall's bare skin once again incensed his own into a hazy lust, clouding over his psyche. No rocket science was needed to see where this would end up; and Logan was tired of fighting: giving in was his only choice. "Do you think that I-" The bigger boy blew out a small cloud of air. "That we've really destroyed everything between us?"

"Possibly. I don't know."

"Even our friendship?"

"Especially that."

"Turn around." It wasn't a command, more of a seductive plea. The brunette fluidly flipped his body around and stared into the vast green oceans of emotion facing back at him. He didn't want to know what they hid, or how they felt. All he wanted was to be free and shut himself down completely. Where his heart had failed him, his body would definitely succeed. It had to.

Leaning forward, Logan closed his eyes and collided his lips with Kendall's, letting out a soft moan on contact. The blonde's tongue implored him for entrance as it sweetly ran streaks across the smaller boy's lips. Yielding to his love's untold request, the brunette parted his lips and savored the sinfully delicious taste of the blonde's tongue. Something had changed – Kendall's hands were more persuasive this time, skillfully making quick work of Logan's boxers. His hands barely touched the brunette's erection, teasing it as his tongue carved unspoken words of desire into the cavern of Logan's mouth. Somehow, they slotted against each other perfectly, feeling completely at ease with the other. In spite of everything going to hell, this felt right. Right now, this was all that mattered… emotions could be handled later.

Logan pulled his head back and forcefully pulled his T-shirt from his body in an irate pull. His eyes wandered selfishly across the blonde's naked body, relishing every little detail. This was all he could own of him – this was all the pieces he could possess of Kendall. This wasn't a truth, but he could have cared less. Reality was overrated; illusion comforted him, no matter how much danger it concealed. Tonight was all his. With surprising agility, he rose from the bed and tenderly placed himself above the blonde, staring right down to the depths of those sea-green pools. A pair of hands supported his hips, sending waves of pleasure breaking across his body. It was amazing how they had only done this twice, yet they both seem to know the other better than themselves, in form and mind. Logan lowered himself and let his pout land on the bigger boy's collar bone, devouring the carnal heat radiating from his body. His tongue flicked across the unending swath of skin, tasting the succulent tang of lust in his mouth and sending a quiet moan ringing through the room from Kendall's throat. Lower he moved, paying utmost devotion to the body beneath him, speaking to it in kisses and licks too sinful for his head to even process. This was nothing but pure instinct, a place where not even emotion dared to go.

Trailing his way down the blonde's stomach, Logan gave his love's form one final kiss before eyeing his prize. Kendall's erection brazenly waved around his face. He lifted his gaze momentarily to see the blonde breath out heavily through his parted lips. Dropping his head back down, the brunette barely tasted the lusty musk, when he felt a hand grip his forest of jet black hair and pull him back up. His own member rubbed achingly against his love's, as his moan hopelessly lost itself in another kiss. Tasting the honey sweet lips once more, the smaller boy broke the lip lock and pressed his forehead against the blonde's. "Why'd you stop me?"

"If we're doing this, we're doing this together" growled Kendall. He shoved his hips upward, grinding his erection into Logan's. The brunette let out a startled cry, feeling a screaming bliss rise in his body. His member stroked up against the blonde's, slowly centering his pleasure around his groin. Kendall continued to slowly move himself in lustful friction underneath Logan, making his grinds more and more precise. This wasn't something he wanted; he needed this more than the air he breathed. He owed Logan this much, to at least give him one night of pleasure for an eternity heartache. He gazed soulfully into the brunette's eyes, seeing them look back at him in aggressive homage. His hands wandered up and down the smaller boy's sides, never ever wanting to let him go. If he ever did disappear, he was certain to never forgive himself.

"Kendall" moaned Logan, closing his eyes against the profligate heat. As much as he tried, he could never separate this as purely physical. Even broken, his heart still belonged only to Kendall. "I'm close" he whispered. Kendall lifted his head slightly and stole the sweetest of kisses from the brunette's lips. He was already lost to this moment, to him. Once was all he needed to feel this… whatever it was. He couldn't deny it, it was too powerful. Something inside of him had changed – Logan had broken some part of him, and he couldn't fix it. "Just let go."

/*\\/*\\/*\\/*\\/*\\

The morning sun stung the blonde's eyes, eliciting an irate moan from him. He'd never been a morning person in Minnesota, and he certainly wasn't about to change it in Los Angeles. Sighing to himself, he gradually opened his eyes. His hand flung itself across the bed, but he couldn't feel any form of life next to him. Instantly, his weariness evaporated as he threw his body upright. He was completely alone by his own doing. "God Logan, what I wouldn't give to have you come back" he muttered to himself, rubbing a furious hand across his face. "You have to know how…" He let his sentence trail off pathetically. It was too late. He had lost him.

It wasn't until a few minutes later that the small piece of paper caught his eye on the drawer in between the two beds. His name was neatly written on the front in an attentive, almost loving, curl of pencil. The blonde smirked to himself. "We always did say his writing was too neat for a doctor." He reached out and unfolded the paper, letting every single word clang into his brain resoundingly. "I really am a monster" he whispered, letting the letter fall from his grasp. In the blinding scorn of the morning, his shame was absolute.

_Kendall_

_I hate leaving you another letter, but if I wake you up now, I'm afraid I won't have the courage to leave L.A. behind me. Right now, it's about three in the morning and I'm watching you sleep. It's hard to believe that you're the reason why my life is in pieces when you look so innocent. By the time you wake up, I'll be in LAX, waiting for my flight back home. If some part of you still cares for me, you'll stop the others and yourself from coming. I can't bear to see all of you and know that I'll probably never get the chance of meeting you again._

_I don't why, but there's something bewitching about Los Angeles. If all of us had stayed back in Minnesota, things would be a lot different, but I guess that we can't be waiting to have snow fights in winter forever. Somewhere along the line we all have to part ways, and I think it's best we say our goodbye here. It's going to be hard going back home and reliving memories of the four of us, but I think that it's the lesser of two evils. _

_Yesterday, I thought I had it all figured out. God, I was so wrong, and last night proved it. I don't know what it meant to you exactly, but to me it meant the world… and that's why I can never see you again. I was right about one thing though – whatever we had between us is totally finished. I respect you too much to expect us to go back to being friends or pretending that nothing ever happened. I wish so much that that night I told you how I felt never happened, and that the past six months have just been one long nightmare. In short, you and I have both had a hand in making this mess, and that would have been OK, but to actually take things to a physical level… that's when I knew there's no going back, and that's why I'm doing this._

_I want you to know that I don't hate you. I'm capable of hating a lot of people, including myself, but never you. As much as you're to blame for this, I feel like none of this would have happened had I just done the sensible thing and kept my mouth shut. I really do hope that you make all your dreams a reality with James and Carlos, and that you find every happiness with Jo. Be what I can't be Kendall._

_With my love, always _

_Logan _

"Logan… forgive me."

**Hey guys, hope you liked this chapter! Please leave a review and let me know what you thought of this chapter and the story so far! Until next time! **


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8: Minnesota Whispers**

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Big Time Rush or any of the characters… Wait… no, I was right, I don't own them.

**Author's Note:** Hello fellow Kogan shippers! I trust this finds you well a huge thank you to everyone who read, reviewed and alerted the last chapter, I really love you guys. I'd like to dedicate this chapter to a new friend of mine **dnChristensen**, thank you so much for your support and encouragement. Please enjoy!

Joanna Mitchell gazed anxiously at the announcement board, her eyes making quick work of the seemingly infinite list of flights. "It says the plane landed, so where the hell is he?"

"Sweetie, he's collecting his bags" murmured Dennis wearily, shaking his head at his wife's sudden burst of nervous energy. He mentally cursed himself for even trying – this was a habit of hers ever since Logan's first day at kindergarten. No matter how hard he or his son had tried, she never seemed to fully allow herself to cut those last apron strings that delighted mother and wore out son. "Why don't you take a deep breath in?"

"I don't need a breath Dennis, I need to know that my son is alright" snapped the chocolate haired woman, causing a minute smirk to appear on her husband's face. Joanna paced back and forth in one nervous line before turning to face the bespectacled man, her features worn down by an intense concern for her child. "He is alright, isn't he?"

"I'd say yes, but you probably wouldn't listen to me."

"You should have heard him on the phone yesterday, he sounded so… I don't know, defeated."

"Joanna, before you start to wear a hole in those shoes, just hear me out, OK?" said Dennis, pointing to his spouse's tapping foot. Joanna looked down and clicked her tongue impatiently at her subconscious movements. The sandy haired architect threw her another triumphant grin before continuing with his calming sermon. "You know how Logan is – he could be going through hell, and he'll never say a word to anyone, let alone us."

"All the more-"

"Which makes it all the more important that we give him the space he needs. We don't know what changed his mind, and until he makes it clear that he wants to talk about it, stay away from the issue."

Do you like having your head in the sand, you big ostrich?" asked the brunette with a caustic roll of her eyes. "He's obviously upset about something. If anything, I bet that Diamond boy had something to do with it. You know, I try and organize his mother an apartment and she doesn't even have the decency to call me back! Can you believe it?"

"No! That lousy bitch" sniggered the architect mockingly, unable to control the gleeful curl of his mouth. His frivolity earned him a dagger-eyed glare, but it wasn't enough to mute his expression. "Joanna, no teenage boy likes to be tied down, especially one that turns eighteen this year. Give him his space and he'll come around."

"If I close my eyes, you sound like a parenting book, you know that?" The brunette threw her hands up in the air. "I know my son."

"Just promise me you'll leave him alone for now."

"Dennis, I-"

"Promise me Joanna" said the architect firmly; giving his frameless glasses a wry tap to readjust them. If anything, he too was fighting his war of nerves, albeit a much milder case than his wife's. Logan's sudden change of heart to leave his dream of fame and fortune behind was anything but healthy. Despite what Joanna said, he also possessed an intuitive understanding of his son, and knew he wouldn't do anything without analyzing the situation properly first. Logan's maturity was continents ahead of anyone his age, and set him to higher standard than anyone he knew – by his own definition, not anyone else's. For him to come home so glibly didn't bode well, and Dennis feared that his only child would sugarcoat the problem away to protect them. "Just this once Logan, please open up" he contemplated darkly. He followed his wife's line of sight and fixed his gaze on the glass doors opening to free the horde of passengers flocking through. Somewhere in the middle of grateful crowd, a thin, lone figure shoved a mountain of bags towards them on a trolley, contorting his face into anguished folds. As he and Joanna moved forward to help their son, the architect couldn't help but smile wistfully to himself. Logan had insisted on being prepared for every possible scenario that could occur in California, resulting in his room being completely emptied of all its contents and packed into an unending stack of boxes to be trucked to L.A. "Seems like he only brought a fraction of it back. He must have really wanted to get out of there." Dennis took a more careful glance at the youngest Mitchell's face, noticing a new feature with every step he took: his son had been utterly defeated by something so much bigger than him.

"What, no welcome sign?" asked Logan, breaking his lips into a broad smile. The cheery lilt of his voice clashed with the hollow brown of his eyes, but was seemingly overlooked by his parents. He pulled his mother and father into a tight embrace, awkwardly balancing his body over the series of bags precariously perched on top of each other. "I missed you guys so much" he said, muffled by the thick cotton jerseys hugging him back. Pulling back, he gazed at his parents and gifted each of them with an appreciative grin. "God, it feels so great to be back home."

"How was your flight dear?" asked Joanna, swerving her husband around her and towards the trolley. Dennis raised an eyebrow to warn her, but said nothing as he placed himself behind the gargantuan load. Logan turned around and gave his father a concerned stare, but was stopped by the reassuring wave of his hand. He turned back to his mother. "It was OK, I guess, if you don't count the five-year old kid kicking the back of my seat or the couple in the toilet who decided to join the Mile High Club."

"Ooh, remember our honeymoon Joanna?" asked Teddy impishly, fixing his face into a mischievous beam. "Logan, we-"

"Please don't" said the brunette faintly. "I already have enough nightmares."

"Logan, are you..." Joanna's voice trailed off at her husband repeatedly waving his hand in front of his neck. She looked back at her son, returning the fake merriment of his eyes with the swimming concern of her own. The smile on his face might have been enough to fool most, but the instinct all mothers were blessed with told her better – this wasn't the same boy she had sent to California. He had come back a mere shadow of himself, scarred and broken, looking for refuge in the people he trusted above all else. "Are you OK?"

"Yeah, fine."

"You're lying."

"Joanna, leave it alone" said Dennis quietly, stopping the trolley with an errant push of the brakes. Logan gave his father a quizzical stare before facing his mother, his expression unchanged. "Mom, I'm fine."

"Honey, we're here for you. Just tell us what's going on." The brunette's stomach gave a guilty lurch. He had prepared for this moment the entire flight, but nothing could have warned him of the sheer force of his mother's consternation. Digging his nails into his palms, he reminded himself that his burden was his alone to bear – only he could make this right. No one else had to know the torture he was going through. "I'm great Mom, I swear to you."

/*\\/*\\/*\\/*\\/*\\

"You promised you wouldn't say anything."

"No, you said 'Promise me Joanna'. I didn't say anything after that." Dennis gave his graying forest of spikes an exhausted brush of his palm. The ride home had been filled with meaningless comparisons of the Californian sun and Minnesota winters – no one dared to speak of the stormy elephant hanging over all of their heads. It had been a short drive back to the house, but the architect could see what his wife meant by the way their son had changed. Try as he might, Logan could not hide the fact that his eyes spoke of pain beyond anyone's comprehension. In the lapses of silence, Dennis stole a glance at the dejected brunette staring forlornly out of the window, soullessly entranced by the roads he had once called home. They hadn't changed at all, but he had: he might as well have been a tourist in his own hometown. Something had taken away their precious son and replaced him with a quiet void, just waiting to implode on itself. "Am I being stupid for this? I mean, all teenagers go through some kind of angst-ridden episode. We could be completely overreacting." The architect watched his wife mutter indistinctly as she unearthed a huge baking dish from the depths of the bottom cupboard. No, they couldn't be dramatizing this. It took a lot to sway Logan's mind, and if he was willing to traverse the miles between here and the Palm Woods, all he must have desired was the sweet drench of forgetfulness.

"OK, remind me to get this son of a bitch out of the oven in about ninety minutes Dennis" said Joanna wearily, banging the oven door shut. The architect tilted his head bewilderedly. "What's in there?"

"Bread and butter pudding, Logan's favorite."

"Really, and are we inviting the entire street over for dessert? It's only the three of us in the house."

"Sue a mother for caring" muttered the estate agent furiously, shooting her husband a dark scowl. She carelessly flung a plastic bowl into the sink before neatly tucking away a stray strand of hair. "I think I should call Jennifer."

"Jennifer? Kendall's mother?"

"Yes. Maybe she could tell us what's going on with him."

"There's no way she would know anything. Maybe the boys know something, but if they did, I don't think he'd even be here with us."

"Well, someone has to!" cried Joanna desperately. Her voice cracked mournfully out of her throat, painfully scraping through each word. The architect walked over and pulled her into a tight hug, feeling her shudder into his hold. She let out a choked sob as she grasped handfuls of her husband's shirt, letting the world around her spin into nothingness. "He's hiding something" she sniffed laying her head against the soft white cotton. The soothing heartbeat against her ear softened her cries and reminded her she wasn't alone in this. "We've lost our boy Dennis."

"No we haven't" said the architect quietly, placing a light kiss on her head. "He'll get through this, I swear it. We'll be there every step of the way."

"How-"

"Just let him settle back in, OK? Like I said, he needs to do this on his own space and time. We can't just force him to tell us."

"Well, it sure as hell would make this a lot easier on me" said the estate agent, pulling herself out from her husband's embrace. Dennis afforded her a small smirk as he let her go. "This isn't about us, it's never been."

"Then please don't make it about me." A soft voice permeated from the kitchen entrance, so unassuming, yet so gravitational in its emotion. As if possessed, Joanna and Dennis turned to see their son smile sadly back at them, finally revealing the pain he carried about so proudly to himself. His eyes fogged up in the stinging tears he had come to know so well. "This was a mistake, I never should have come back here."

"Logan, wait!" Dennis moved forward to stop his son, but the brunette had already turned around to bolt away. The loud thump of his steps imprinted themselves into his parents' hearts, slicing right across where it hurt the most. Their son, their pride and joy, had dimmed his own life into a misery and their was nothing they could do to stop it – all they were capable of was watching as he sunk further and further into the abyss they could not save him from.

/*\\/*\\/*\\/*\\/*\\

"I am such a fucking idiot" whispered Logan, smacking an angry palm against his forehead. He took a tired look around the prison he once called his room, feeling even more disconnected from this corner the world. This wasn't the warm, welcoming womb he once felt so safe, it was just another place to hide. "Just like back there." The air in his lungs collapsed in one, fluid groan. He wanted to be here more than anything, but already his parents had given him a lifetime worth of concerned analysis, when all he wanted to do was slip away and forget that his heart still lay in a million bleeding pieces. Every single thing in the world he trusted failed him utterly. He could feel himself slowly corroding, yielding to the vast depression welled up inside him. The question of his breakdown was 'when', it had always been. All he had managed to do was stall it. Where he went from here, he didn't know. "God, please kill me now."

A soft rap at the door cajoled the brunette out of his head, albeit with an inaudible moan. "Come in" he called, pulling his body up into a seated position. The door creaked open to reveal his father wearing an apologetic smile on his face. "The last time I did this, I had to give you a talk about where babies came from."

"And if I remember correctly, you didn't do a good job of it." Logan smiled briefly, but even a small smile like this required a Herculean effort on his part. "I'm sorry Dad. I never meant to get you and Mon so worked up like this."

"We're your parents Logan" said the architect cheerfully, taking a seat beside his son on the bed. "If we're not worried, we're doing jobs wrong." He looked carefully at his son, feeling a pang of guilt that he didn't meet his gaze with the same sparkling vigor it used to. "Dad, I… this isn't your mess to deal with, and it's not Mom's either."

"Son, I'm going to tell you something here. Please don't tell your uncle Paul, he'll just make MORE drunken phone calls to call me a homo." Logan opened his mouth quizzically, but was instantly silenced by his father's waving hand. "The first time your doctor put you in my arms, the only thing I that went through my mind was how you tiny you were. I felt like if I held you too tightly, I'd break you."

"Dad, I was a newborn baby, of course you'd break me."

"Just let me finish." Dennis took in a deep breath. "Your mother and I promised each other that everything we did from that point on would be about you, that we'd do everything we could so that you'd be as happy as possible. And having you here right now like this… it's hard on us Logan. It makes us feel like we've failed you."

"You haven't" said the brunette thickly, tightly gripping the sheets beneath him. "This isn't your fault, none of it is."

"Then talk to us, please. Tell us what happened. If we can't fix it-"

"It's not something that I want to fix. Its something I want to forget." Dennis placed an affectionate hand on his son's back and rubbed small circles into it. "Do you still feel like coming here was a mistake?"

"I don't know. I don't know anything anymore."

"Logan, you can't run away from this pain. We love you, we'll even fight for you if we have to."

"Dad, don't make this harder please."

"We just want to help son."

"You… you can't" said Logan quietly. "At least not now. I promise, I'll tell you what's going on, just let me have some time to think. That's all I want from you guys." As he nodded, Dennis Mitchell felt a small tug go off in his stomach. Even though he was an advocate for his son's independence, he feared that every day that went passed without Logan talking would be one more that he'd isolate himself from the rest of the world, one more chance to fall somewhere without anyone to catch him… one more possibility of him leaving and never coming back.

/*\\/*\\/*\\/*\\/*\\

"_This is Logan, can't talk right now. You know what to do._"

"Logan, please, I'm begging you. Come back to us." The blonde paced around restlessly in his room, unable to bear the crushing loneliness anymore. "I'm sorry for what I did, but we're not Big Time Rush without you." He gave a frustrated sigh, laying his fist against the wall. "Look, fuck everyone else, alright? Forget about James, Carlos and everyone else. I'm asking you to come back because of me. Logan… I love you."

**Woah… So now what's gonna happen? Well, first leave a review and you'll find out PLEASE!**


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9: I Will Move Heaven**

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Big Time Rush or any of the characters… but my sister does have a poster and she says she gets freaked out by the stares so she has to change in my parents' room. Little sisters, I tell you… I don't have the heart to tell her that the stares are the best part.

**Author's Note:** Hey guys, don't worry, I haven't killed myself Truth be told, I thought I'd start this chapter a long time ago, but family drama got in the way, and believe me when I tell you that I could write a whole story on that by itself. But never fear the next chapter is here! Thank you to everyone who reviewed and alerted the last chapter, I'm really happy that it got such a positive response. Please enjoy this one even more

"I don't get it, what do you want from me?" Kendall stared bewilderedly at the record manager, shaking his head irately with a barely concealed disbelief. Of course, he should have been more grateful: this meeting with Kelly and Gustavo saved him a couple of hours from wallowing within the guilt-ridden depths of his head. A restless night and an impatient morning had passed without any word from Logan. He'd expected this – too much devastation lay between the two of them for the brunette to simply pick up the phone and make meaningless conversation, but that didn't make it hurt any less. Logan had done more than simply leave Big Time Rush; he'd left a sucking void in his wake, condemning the blonde to every form of mental torture possible. Last night's hours rose and fell from each other in seamless motions, never once gracing Kendall with the dreamless slumber he so craved, but they gave him something else instead: clarity. If it were a case of friendship or a band member, he could simply throw a stone within the Palm Woods lobby and find a replacement. There was something frighteningly deeper about all of this, some alluring magic that kept the brunette's face permanently etched within his mind. The phone call was just a manifestation of the uncharted emotions he was too afraid to explore. If he started questioning things now, the trust he placed so bravely in the world would be spectacularly thrown back in his face. Whether Logan was just a friend or something else was something best left unanswered for the moment.

"I am trying to salvage our situation here!" growled the record manager, tightly wielding his empty coffee mug around like a weapon. "And it would help if you, as the leader of the band, put in some suggestions!"

"James and Carlos-"

"Are best kept out of this matter" muttered Gustavo irritably as he rubbed his fingers across his forehead. "God knows I'll be shipping out corndogs and hair gel instead of albums if they ever got involved."

"Well, I don't know what to tell you Fat Man" replied the blonde icily, taking a distinct pleasure at the shade of crimson the record manager turned at his insult. "BTR isn't the same without Logan, and we tried the whole trio thing when James left before, remember?"

"What if we purposely leaked a demo?" asked Kelly, constantly shifting her gaze between Kendall and the record manager. "We could record a song with the three of you and leak it out to some music website and see what the fans think." Gustavo looked up thoughtfully, ignoring the loud thump of ceramic against wood as he set his mug down on the table. He scratched three of his pudgy fingers against the soft bump of his chin. "Not the craziest thing we've done so far." He turned to his assistant sharply. "But what if they're not too fond of the band minus one?"

"Then back to the drawing board" sighed Kelly wearily. "But it's the only shot we've got so far." She averted her gaze to Kendall, meeting his emerald intensity with the clockwork of her logic. "What do you think?" The blonde gave a wry chuckle. "What does it matter what I think? You've already decided what to do."

"Damn it Kendall, for once can you just do what you're told?" cried the record manager, clipping each syllable with a heavy hint of frustration. The coffee mug found itself waving about in the air again, this time with an even more ironclad grip. "God, do you have go and turn every little thing into fucking emo lyrics?" The blonde threw him a thin smirk. Even in despondency, pushing the man's buttons so easily was simply a joy to behold. "Alright Fat Man, here's what I think." He cleared his throat with a slight cough. "I think that the two of you are stark rank idiots for even considering this plan. I think that both of you know what's going to happen if we leak whatever demo to whatever site, and you're just grasping at straws for something that's already passed."

"Then tell us oh great wise one who's neck I'm about to snap" said Gustavo through gritted teeth. "Should we call it a day and break up the band?"

"You're forgetting we still have one last option."

"Which would be?"

"We bring him back."

/*\\/*\\/*\\/*\\/*\\

"I love you" muttered the blond to himself, his eyes carefully scanning the lobby entrance. The miserable tone of his voice cluttered about his head like an anvil. He sighed tiredly into the air before letting his gaze slowly wander down to his feet, unknowingly cutting himself off from the usual Palm Woods fanfare. "Love" he whispered as he felt his lips curl into a melancholic smile. It was all he was willing to acknowledge so far – all the fear and tension boiled down to this inexplicable feeling of pining for the one person who would do anything to put light years between the two of them. It could have been anything really: he could have been seething with anger and still called what he felt 'love'. "It's something" he thought, tilting his head quizzically. He shouldn't have been surprised that it lacked the rose-colored spectacles he was so used to singing about; but nothing about his relationship with Logan had been by the book. It was more of a psychological warfare that had them twistingly entranced by each other, a sick game for two that had only left them with memories of the past and shards of what could have been. "There isn't a name for what I feel" he murmured softly, his ears barely catching the guilty lull of words. "There's isn't a name for what I did to him… or who I am now because of it." A blink of the sea green eyes brought in a new wave of emotion. "I just want you back here with me" he contemplated desperately. "Even if I have to destroy everything I am right now to become someone you deserve."

"Thinking of me?" asked a cheerfully sweet voice, piercing through his head like a spear. Kendall turned his head to the side to see Jo's grinning face stare happily back at him. He threw her an appeasing smirk as he stretched out his arm around her shoulder and pulled her closer to his body. "Amongst other things" he said smoothly, freezing against her affectionate warmth. How could this feel so right with Logan and so incredibly alien with her? "You're back early."

"Well, shooting ended early. Apparently our director has food poisoning from under-cooked cheesecake."

"Ah, the under-cooked cheesecake" said Kendall with a wise nod. "So many American lives have been ended by its foul hands."

"Anyway," continued the actress with a slight chuckle, "I have tonight off, so what do you say?" She blew softly against his ear. "You, me and nobody else?"

"As tempting as that sounds babe, I can't." Kendall rubbed her shoulder sympathetically. "I'm on the redeye to Minnesota tonight." He kissed the top of her head. "I'm sorry."

"Minnesota?" said Jo uncertainly, pulling herself from out of her boyfriend's embrace. She stared at him bewilderedly, her eyes shimmering in the incandescence of the afternoon sunlight bouncing its way across the room. "You're not going back?"

"Well, not completely. It's just until I can get Logan back here."

"And how long is this going to be?"

"Who knows?" said the blonde wearily, pulling his face into a neutral mask. He gazed deeply into the actress's eyes. "He can be stubborn when he wants to."

"And what about us Kendall? We just got back together. If you leave now-"

"Nothing will happen" said the singer soothingly, plucking her hands tenderly into his own. How he wished for the brunette's eyes to be the ones watching him instead of hers. It amazed him how easily he could construct this semblance of an emotion while the dark storm inside of him roared for someone else. "Do you love me?"

"Yes."

"Do you trust me?"

"Never." Kendall sniggered softly before he leant forward to collide his lips against hers. If anything had aroused his despondency before, this was the final straw. "I love you too" he whispered sliding his lips against the airy structure of her jawbone all the way up to her ear. "Now till forever." As he felt her body shudder back pleasurably against his own, Kendall Knight wondered where the thin line between truth and fiction lay. When they had become so interchangeable between each other, it barely mattered. All he wanted was for this undulating yearning to stop – and if that meant chasing Logan to the ends of the earth, so be it.

/*\\/*\\/*\\/*\\/*\\

**The next day**

The brunette allowed himself a smirk as he watched the sun's rays break themselves across the horizon in their entire crimson splendor. This had been an old comfort for him whenever his sleep happened to break before sunrise, which given the how prone to stress he was, was more often than he'd liked. He had lost count of how many hours he'd spent in this kitchen only to pace about its length in severe contemplation. Nevertheless, Minnesota didn't care for how his mind worked or how his heart carelessly proceeded on its path to happiness. All that mattered was that he was here now – life, in all its fair wisdom, would take care of the rest. Deepening his newfound lightheartedness to a soft laugh, he pried a glass from the rack next to the kitchen sink and filled it to the brim with expert precision. "It's been so long since I've really been away from him" he thought, taking a careful sip from the cup. The cold freshness sparked across his tongue, bringing his synapses out from their sleep. "This is the first chance I've had in ages to catch my breath." That voicemail the blonde had left had astonishingly been more funny than dramatic. Love? Kendall didn't know the meaning of the word, not in the way he did. "It must be some game to him to see how long it'll take for me to break" thought Logan with a knowing smirk. He placed the glass beside the rack and pensively stared at the slowly lighting world outside his window. He'd achieved what he wanted to – he'd put several states of distance between him and Kendall, all for the sake of gaining at least part of his life back. The question lay in where to head from here. Naturally, it wasn't a completely fresh start here in his hometown, but it was as close as he was going to get anyways. "Why have a plan?" he mumbled quietly as he continued his pensive optical assault on the awakening neighborhood. "Why not just let go and see where I end up?" Almost instinctively, he dug his nails tightly into his palms to chide himself. Going with the flow was the whole reason why he was back here in the first place. This was his chance to start over, not to make the same mistake again and again. "Old Logan wins this one after all" he sniggered to himself, before taking another sip of water. No, this time, it would be perfect, like the purest form of clockwork.

"I shouldn't be surprised." The brunette turned around to see his mother stand in the kitchen entrance, carefully watching him. She smiled tiredly from the depths of her nightgown as she traversed her way to the coffee maker. "I don't know how many times I've told you to stop staring out of that window. Firstly because the sun's too bright, and secondly people will think you're a pervert."

"They flatter themselves too much Mom" said Logan, throwing her a grin. "Besides, have you received any complaints?"

"Actually, Mrs. Thompson from next door came around yesterday while you were asleep. She seems really glad that you're back."

"Yes, because I came all this way just for her" laughed the brunette. Joanna nodded at her son as he drank from the glass again, this time a huge gulp. "She always said you were the nicest kid around" she said quietly, never once taking her eyes off of him. "But something happened, am I right? That's why you're back here." Logan felt his stomach lurch sickeningly within his body. It always came to this, no matter how far he ran away. "How can you tell?" he asked softly, laying down the glass once more. Joanna arched her eyebrow. "You're my son Logan. You were inside of me for nine months, you think I don't know when something's wrong with you?"

"Please Mom, don't get into this. Not now, I'm not ready yet."

"Logan, no one is ever ready to deal with the kind of pain you're carrying" said Joanna, taking a step forward. "People say it'll get better – they're lying, it never does. But you have to have the courage to bite down like holy hell and face it head on. You can't run away forever."

"I'm not." The brunette pursed his lips together in a thin line. "I'm just… I just want to be happy Mom. Is that so bad?"

"Of course not" whispered Joanna. "That's what your father and I want more than anything, but if you keep bottling this up, I'm afraid you'll end up somewhere worse than where you are now." Logan opened his mouth to reply, but his retort was cut off by the harmonious chime of the doorbell. He looked away from his mother, facing in the direction of the door. "I'll get it. Probably the mailman."

"We're not through with this Logan."

Gratefully edging his way past his mother, the brunette scurried across the dining room and past the living room to the front door. His mother's words still echoed resoundingly in his psyche, sending his heart racing a mile a minute. Was he really running away from it all? Was this new confidence just a ploy to trick himself into believing everything would be alright? He shook his head to clear his thoughts as he opened the door. His body froze instantly at the familiar face. This couldn't be happening, not now of all moments. "You have got to be fucking kidding me" he whispered, staring blankly at the audacious grin of Kendall Knight. The blonde's smile grew wider. "Language please Logan."

"What the hell are you doing here?" Kendall didn't reply, instead pulling him into the biting morning air. With an adept kick, he shut the door behind the brunette and pulled him into a tight embrace. He ran his tongue against the milky skin of his neck, feeling Logan melt into his hold. This felt so much more natural than with Jo. He just connected so easily with the brunette; it was as simple as that. "Do you really have to ask why I'm here? Why I came here straight from the airport?" he whispered beseechingly. The smaller boy let out a soft cloud of breath. "You're like a hellhound with death grip, you know that?"

"I'll take that as a compliment."

"Can you let me go? Please?" Reluctantly, the blonde relinquished his yield. Logan pulled back and stared resiliently at the man who'd ruined him utterly. "You're here to bring me back, aren't you?"

"What's it going to take Logan?" asked Kendall softly. His face swam into an unreadable visage. "What do you want?"

"What are you willing to give?"

"Anything. Just please come back with me." Logan laughed coldly. "Is it that easy for you to lie?"

"I'm not lying."

"And that message you left on my phone?" Kendall raised his eyebrows in surprise. He had clearly underestimated how easily Logan would be swayed. "Honestly?"

"Yeah."

"I don't know if what I feel is love. All I know is that ever since you left, you're the only thing I've been thinking about and I can't stand it when you're not around." Logan nodded curtly, still focusing his gaze right onto the blonde. He couldn't fall back, not now when he had just begun to piece his heart back together… and yet the magnetic pull he felt towards Kendall was stronger than ever. Minnesota was just another playground for their sick antics. "Go back to L.A. Kendall and forget I ever existed" he muttered. "I'm not coming back."

"Not even to be with me?" The blonde to a cautious step forward. "I'll leave Jo if you want me to."

"Then you really don't feel a thing about me." Kendall took another step forward, wrapping his arm loosely about the brunette's waist. He lowered his head so that their lips were barely touching, feeling the familiar ache possess him once more. At this point Logan could bring him down to his knees without even trying, but he was grateful that the smaller boy was too busy fighting off his own demons to notice the enormous power he unknowingly held over him. Gazing deeply into the tortured mahogany irises, he gently took the brunette's hand and placed it against his chest. "It hasn't been the same without you. I know you think that I don't feel anything, but this is the one thing you're wrong about. I'll fight till I'm dying if I have to, and you want to know why?"

"Don't say it; just let me go and leave. I'm begging you."

"I want you more than anything."

**Wow, that Kendall just does not give up. So what did you guys think? Leave a review and let me know please, you know I love hearing your feedback! Till next time **


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10: A Mother Knows**

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Big Time Rush or any of the characters… and apparently I don't own a proper functioning family, but God wasn't that kind to me.

**Author's Note:** Hey guys, what's up? I hope all of you are well, you know I love you guys! A huge thank you to everyone who reviewed the last chapter and added the story to their alerts, it really does make my day Also, a warm hug going out to everyone who wished me well over this troubling time, I can't ever thank you enough. It's nice to know that there are people in the world who care when your own family won't, but don't worry, I don't think I'm turning into a Logan yet For now, I'm just trying to throw myself into my studies and writing, so please enjoy this next chapter and let me know what you think!

"Joanna, would you hurry up here? I don't have all day, Tim will be home soon!" Laura Thompson gave her sunshine golden locks an excited flick, staring expectantly in the direction of the Mitchells' kitchen. Her nose caught onto the hint of melting chocolate wafting seductively through the air, immediately igniting her senses into a decadent overdrive. She groaned wearily to herself as her eyes watched the bustling figure in the kitchen traverse from end to end in her culinary quest. "The brownies will be ready in just a minute" called the brunette, pausing momentarily to give her guest a smile. "I'm just waiting for them to cool so I can put the frosting on them." The blonde woman shook her head, wondering why she ever popped in unannounced. She could never win with this woman – Joanna was the epitome of the modern day American kitchen goddess, able to create the guiltiest of treats seemingly out of the air itself. Whether she was expecting them or not, she always made sure her guests left several pounds heavier than when they came in. So far in all ten years of her calling Joanna a friend, the blonde had yet to figure out a foolproof strategy for avoiding her zealous hospitality, and today looked like another defeat at the hands of the dessert monarch.

"Joanna, I swear to God, if you don't come out of here and talk to me right now, I will get up and leave" said Laura flatly, rolling her eyes dejectedly. "I still haven't worked off that tiramisu you force-fed me the last time. Do you know how many times Tim and I had to have sex before I could get at least half of it off?" Several seconds of silence passed before an apron clad Joanna made her way to the living room with an expression torn between embarrassment and humor. "Then why don't you join a gym like everyone else?" she asked, trying her level best to suppress the smile twisting around her lips. She allowed herself an airy giggle before regaining her composure. The blonde's arched eyebrow told her that her friend was clearly not impressed. "Why would I join a gym?" asked Laura, pointing to the space on the couch next to her. The brunette smilingly made her way around to the empty place and meekly took her seat. "All those health freak eyes on you. Don't get me wrong, Tim's a son of a bitch, but he doesn't judge me."

"Clearly." The brunette cleared her throat politely. "Sorry, I didn't mean it like that. It's been a while since I laughed properly."

"Well I'm glad my sex life is nothing more than stand-up comedy to you" said the blonde, clutching her hand to her chest with a feigned hurt. "I'd have thought that you'd be nothing but laughs and smiles ever since Logan came back."

"You'd think so" said Joanna, the melancholy giving her voice a distinctly bitter edge. Her eyes looked away, focusing themselves away onto the nothingness she had become so accustomed to. How long had it been since she had seen her son truly smile without trying to conceal his torment? How long had it been since she had heard him laugh without any sadness ringing behind it? "I honestly don't know what to do anymore Laura. The more I try, the more he just switches off… and it kills me just a little bit more every time he does it." The blonde tilted her head sympathetically at her friend's vacant gaze. "Is that why you started working from home?" The brunette slipped her head into a slight nod. "Everyday I hope he'll open up, even if it's just a little bit, but…" She turned to face the blonde, her eyes misting over with the sting of maternal tears. "My son is suffering Laura, and I can't do a damn thing to help him" she whispered hoarsely. "What the hell kind of mother does that make me?"

"The overbearing kind" said Laura quietly, taking Joanna's hand and squeezing it gently. "The kind that pries and pokes because she cares. In short, the best damn kind of mother in the whole world."

"I don't know anymore. I just want him to talk to me, just tell me something. Anything. Why does he feel like he has to protect us from whatever he's going through?"

"Well, maybe you're the wrong one to ask" said the blonde slowly. "You're his mother, there's now way he'll ever tell you – he probably feels like he failed you and Dennis somehow. Now that Kendall Knight's back, I'm sure he'll be willing to help." Joanna's forehead instantly creased into a bemused frown. "What?"

"Yeah, don't you know? I saw the two of them together on your porch yesterday." The blonde's lips rounded themselves into a perfect circle at Joanna's questioning stare. She instantly recognized the pang of hurt sparking through the limpid mahogany eyes, the kind of betrayal only a mother could feel. "You know, I should have just kept my big mouth stuffed with those brownies instead. Are they done?"

/*\\/*\\/*\\/*\\/*\\

"Mom, I'm home." Joanna let out a slow exhalation at the sound of her son's voice echoing through the house. "In the kitchen sweetie" she replied, closing her eyes to hear the nuances in Logan's footsteps. He must have already lost himself to the sweet surrender of denial for him to be so calm. Each and every passing second, she lost a little more of the boy she knew to some stranger who locked her out in the cold. Every time she laid eyes on him, her son became less of the Logan he was, and more of a foreigner within his own home. He might have allowed himself to fall under some spell of pretense, but she could never be fooled. She had lost track of the sleepless nights she and Dennis had spent, quietly losing themselves as to the possible reasons why their bright little boy had fallen prey to one of life's treacherous traps, but Logan was resilient at keeping them as far from the truth as possible, leaving them with only shards of possibilities. Theory followed theory in their heads, but each one was more pathetic than the last, only serving to heighten their fears. "Sorry I'm late, but the supermarket was crazy." Joanna's eyes flew open at the increasing volume of Logan's voice. She felt herself transition into the pit of worry eating away inside of her, falling into the blackest of desperations. There would be no more hiding – today, she would hunt down her baby's demons and crush them beneath her fist.

"Mom, are you OK?" Joanna turned around and forced herself into a reassuring smile. Logan raised his eyebrows quizzically before placing the packet he carried onto the counter like some beloved prize. "I got the mint jelly and garlic bread, but they were out of that bran cereal you like so much."

"That's alright; I'll just eat Fruit Loops for the rest of the week." The brunette threw her a playful grin, drumming his fingers rhythmically on the counter. "We're having roast lamb for dinner, aren't we?"

"How'd you guess?"

"Because Dad will never eat roast lamb unless there's mint jelly and you like to make a mini sandwich with the garlic bread." Joanna flicked her hair out of her way, laughing softly at her son's remark. "Apologies for the predictability my dearest son" she said, dipping herself into a curtsey. Logan let out a soft snigger. "No, I don't mind. It's been a while since we had a family dinner like this."

"Tell me about it. I don't think there are enough people."

"So invite someone. Uncle Paul maybe?"

"You know how your father feels about him" said Joanna, frowning at the brunette with her hands on her hips. Logan shrugged his shoulders. "How about the Thompsons?"

"No, no; she stormed out of the house with all of the brownies I baked earlier, insisting that she would sue me for ruining her diet."

"Well, you do overdo it with the baking."

"Thanks for that, you can make your own brownies from now on." The brunette's mother gave the oven a quick glance before turning her attention back to her son. It was now or never. "You know what; I think I'll ask Kendall to come over."

Logan's insides immediately turned to ice at his mothers words. He held her gaze with an agape mouth, feeling a numbing pain spread out from his stomach, wounded by the hardened glint in her eyes. "Kendall… Kendall's in Los Angeles" he whispered softly, paralyzed where he stood by her revelation. "Why the hell would you want to call him?"

"Is it so easy for you to just slip away into whatever lie you choose to believe?" asked his mother, her voice sharply quivering with a maternal plea. "I know he's back in Minnesota."

"How?"

"That's not important." Joanna took a cautious step forward, soaking in every single detail of her angst-ridden child. "He's here to take you back?" The brunette gave a silent nod, feeling his eyes beginning to melt. Joanna's mouth thinned out into a single line of diplomatic concern. She had him right where she wanted him, but she couldn't let the overwhelming desire to storm ahead control her just yet – for this to work, he had to come to her. "He's why you left, isn't he?" Logan nodded once more. Joanna sighed wearily. "Please Logan, I am begging you, tell me what happened."

"I can't."

"Why not?"

"Mom, drop it."

"That's all I have been doing!" exclaimed Joanna loudly with her hands high above her head. "Every single time L.A. comes up, you freeze us out! You can't keep burying your head in the sand!"

"I'm not burying my head in anything!" shouted Logan, matching his mother's consternated yell with the defiance in his. "I'm moving on with my life, and you asking me about what happened everyday doesn't help!"  
>"Then why won't you let your father and I help?"<br>"BECAUSE IT HURTS TOO DAMN MUCH!" Logan's scream expelled every single molecule of air within his lungs, letting his voice bounce around the empty confines of the house. His eyes misted over in acidic melancholy, watching his mother step forward to take him into her open arms. With no resistance whatsoever, his body grew limp and shifted his entire weight onto her dainty frame. "Every time I think of L.A., I see his face and it kills me."

"Logan, listen-"

"No Mom" whispered the brunette sobbingly, feeling his tears crawl down his face in a molten path. "He's taken everything I am and thrown it at my feet. I can't fight him anymore."

"Sweetie, tell me what happened" murmured Joanna, feeling her son tremble uncontrollably in her hold. "Tell me what he did to you."

"It's not what he did, it's what I did." Logan took in a shaky breath in. He couldn't take it anymore: the dark swirl of emotion he had forced to slumber had slowly been awakening ever since Kendall came back. The person he had become disgusted him to no end, and the blonde had caused him to slowly lose his grip on what little sanity he had left. "I fell in love with the wrong person, and now I'm paying the price."

/*\\/*\\/*\\/*\\/*\\

"Fucking hell, who knew that cleaning was such a mission?" sighed the blonde as his body flopped weakly onto the couch beneath him. He head turned around to scan the living room. Granted, it wasn't as good a job as his mother would have done, but he was proud of his first serious attempt at housekeeping. The thick layers of dust had been accumulating ever since its welcoming interior stood empty of occupants, posing a daunting challenge, but he'd tackled it with gusto anyways. He was certain that a few stray dust bunnies lurked about the house somewhere, but he was content with his own version of spruce for now. "More time about think of you, I guess" he murmured. The familiar sensation of his heart lurching forward against his chest. If possible, the brunette had wound his way deeper into his being and showed no sign of ever leaving. Kendall threw his head back against the top of the couch and stared up at the ceiling, torn between the tumultuous war of logic and passion. Playing an open hand with the brunette had ended up having it thrown back in his face – not that he blamed him. After what he had done to him, he was surprised that Logan would even have a civil conversation with him, let alone tolerate his presence in their hometown. "He already knows how I feel" muttered the blonde, feeling a stifling helplessness rise within him. "I need him to believe it now." He smiled to himself as the image of the brunette's face swam into his psyche. Had anyone told him that this would happen three years ago, he would have laughed in their faces – but three years ago seemed like millennia with the destroyed innocence of friendship scattered about him. He was knowingly risking the very stability his life was built on to save something he had knowingly violated, but even if he could just touch Logan it would be more than worth it.

The doorbell rang loudly, pulling Kendall out of thoughts with a reluctant groan. With great unwillingness, he shuffled his feet across the haphazardly polished floor to the front door. "Look, whatever it is you're selling, I'm not – oh." His face grew blank at the sight of the brunette standing on his front door, like a lone leaf quaking in the cold zephyr. "I kind of like that look on your face" said Logan quietly, a slight smirk appearing on his lips. "All shocked and confused. Now you know how I feel."

"Don't do this out here" muttered the blonde, his sea green irises softening at Logan's penetrating stare. "If you want to disembowel me, do it inside please."

"I didn't come here to fight with you" said the brunette, edging past Kendall with considerable hesitation. He turned around and waited for the blonde to shut the door behind him, holding his breath all the while. "I came here… because I can't stay at home anymore."

"What? Why not?" Logan pursed his lips together tightly. "I told my mother about why I came back… about what happened between us."

"So you want to stay here?" Kendall walked forward and snaked his arm around the brunette's waist, pulling him closer to his body. Logan dropped his head, lightly pressing his forehead against the blonde's chest. He could never hate him, not matter how much he tried. He could rage against the world and scream his heart out at how unfair love was, but the person who had started it all was immune to the darkness crawling within him. "Do you know how ashamed I feel?" he asked, his voice gently raining into Kendall's ear. "I should have just made up something… but I couldn't take it anymore."

"She's not going to love you any less because of what happened" whispered Kendall before his lips gently ran across the brunette's exposed neck. Logan closed his eyes painfully. "I know that, but whatever I told her is just going to lead to more questions."

"You're not ready for that?"

"No." Logan fidgeted in his beloved's hold. "So what do you say? Can I stay here for a couple of days?" He turned his head to face the blonde again, only to meet his lips with sinful abandon. He moaned as Kendall slid his tongue into his mouth, surrendering to his hedonistic tang. The blonde wrapped both his arms around the Logan, becoming even more zealous with his grip. He pulled his away from the brunette to see the warm cocoa eyes melt as they held his gaze. "You can stay here as long as you want" he breathed, his fingers carving devoted messages across Logan's body. "But how can you be sure that you'll be safe here?" He leant in, letting his mouth hover over the smaller boy's ear. "Who's to say I won't drive you insane?" Logan chuckled softly. "Who's to say that I'm not already?"

**Sounds like Kendall might be up to something, but what exactly? Will he succeed in taking our favorite brunette back to Los Angeles? And what's going to happen to Logan's relationship with Joanna and Dennis? Well, leave a review and all shall be revealed ;) Take care guys!**


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter 11: My Heart Bleeds Red, Part I**

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Big Time Rush or any of the characters… I could, but I don't because that would deprive all of you. See how kind I am?

**Author's Note:** Hey guys, no, I have not forgotten about you all. In between exams and vacationing, I kind of need a rest to let the creative juices flow again. Big ups to everyone who reviewed the last chapter and added it to their alerts, I love you all. Here's the next one, I hope you all like it please leave a review and let me know what you thought!

It wasn't the same. No matter how many times her hands pressed against the bed sheet's worn cotton, she could never quite recapture the folds where he had slept. She wanted nothing more than to disappear into the night, screaming her son's name from every corner of the town, but she knew better. If he wanted to, Logan could fall of the face of the earth without so much as a whisper bellowing softly from his lips, and that made it all the worse. For all she knew, he could have left Minnesota already for Los Angeles or some other godforsaken hotpot of depravity. "He's going to get hurt again" she whispered anxiously to herself, her eyes darting over Logan's bed as if he'd magically appear on it somehow if she worried enough. "My boy is going to get destroyed and there won't be anyone to stop it."

"We don't know that." Joanna turned around slowly to watch her husband enter the sacred resting place of their son's innocence. His sympathetic gaze burned right through his frameless spectacles into the deep shimmering chocolate buttons for irises she'd passed on to their only child. "He'll be OK" he murmured, reaching out his hand and tenderly slipping it into her own. Joanna turned her face away from his, unable to hold the strength of his gaze any longer. She appreciated her husband's show of bravery, but was now the right time for it when her baby could be lying in a ditch somewhere? "How can you believe that so easily Dennis? What about this entire situation makes you believe that Logan will come out alright in the end?"

"What makes you believe otherwise?"

"Because never in my entire life would I have believed that everything would turn out like this" she said bitterly. With surprising force, she broke her hand free of her husband's hold and turned her head to throw a husband a withering glower for his lack of instability right now. "When we sent him to L.A., we made him promise that he would never let that place or anyone there change who he was."

"Joanna, I wish you'd understand that no one's to blame here. You can't keep him locked up in here in this room forever. He needs to be his own person, make his own mistakes."

"Because that's gone so fantastically up until now!" screamed the brunette, throwing her hands up in the air. She was truly beyond all reason at this point – without her son, she was nothing but a woman filled with insecure fantasies of how weak he was against the ten billion other people that walked the planet with him. "There are people out there-"

"There are always going to be people out there who are going to try and hurt him. And if he trusts them, that's HIS choice to make, not ours." He let out a deep exhalation. "If he really does love Kendall… we should at least try to be happy for him."

"That bastard is not going anywhere near my son" snarled Joanna irately, clenching her fists into iron circles of rage. The carpeted floor imprinted itself with the glowing wrath of her feet as they stomped themselves out into the passageway, leaving only the tangible aftermath of her maternal angst as a substitute. "I'm serious Dennis. If he's ever stupid enough to show his face here, I will murder him!"

Dennis Mitchell turned himself around to quickly glance at every inch of his son's room. His lips curled gleefully as each new sight heralded some long forgotten memory of Logan. No doubt he was fond of the major milestones in his son's life, but it was the small 'in between' moments he really treasured. His grin grew as he walked over to the shelf opposite the bed and affectionately reached his hand out for the teddy bear sitting nonchalantly, it's glossy eyes glinting in the room's soft light. Logan had insisted on throwing it out on his first day at elementary school, but Joanna had guilted him into keeping it as a token of days long gone. The smile faded as Dennis felt the dusty fur caress his fingers, releasing fine sprays of matter into the air. "God only knows what else she'd guilt him into doing" he thought darkly, placing the bear back onto the shelf. "If she had her way, the poor boy would be a prisoner here forever and Kendall would be six feet under by now." Over the past couple of days, Joanna had done a steady descent from doting mother to unbearable freak. She had immediately placed herself on indefinite leave with the company and everyday was the same – she'd walk from one corner of the house to the next, muttering indistinctly about her child and the way things should be. It was a certainty that Logan would come home in a matter of seconds if he knew what he was placing his parents through, but Dennis was far less enthusiastic into finding someone who simply did not want to be found. Time and again, he explained to his wife that Logan would come home when he was ready to do so, but his rationality might as well have been directed at the house walls instead. "Hell hath no fury like a mother scorned" muttered the architect, pacing around the room impatiently. "You need time, don't you? I'll give you every second of my life if I have to son… just come back home. Please." For a son so lost already, it was a plea far too late.

/*\\/*\\/*\\/*\\/*\\

"God, it is so great to watch other people clean rather than do it yourself" yawned the blonde. He gave his arms a halfhearted stretch before opening his eyes to watch the brunette zoom across the kitchen, giving zealous sweeps with the broom in his hand. It was refreshing for him to see Logan back on home turf – although he seemed slightly less paranoid than in L.A., he had yet to relax and fully let go of his pedantic tendencies. It seemed a given that he would always be on his guard whenever the two of them would be together, but for now he was satisfied with this tiny pause in all of their drama. "You know you're going overboard with all that." He watched as the smaller man momentarily ceased his cleaning activities and turned to stare quizzically at him. "Please tell me you were kidding when said you cleaned the place. It's still a mess" he said flatly, starting to resume his swings with the broom. With a commanding air, he stepped over the amassed clouds of dust and opened the house's back door. One final sweep later, and the Knight household was finally rid of the months of its tormenting dirt. He gave the blonde a superior smirk as he carefully stood the broom against the corner of the sink. "And THAT is how you clean a house."

"I bow to your godlike sweeping skills" grinned Kendall, stepping over towards the brunette. His hands reached out to pull Logan into an embrace, but the smaller man was quick on his feet, sliding like quicksilver across the floor to avoid it. "You're going to have to do a lot better than that" he murmured smilingly, his eyes glinting with the small victory he obtained. Kendall arched his eyebrow, neutralizing his face into a vacant mask. "You can't hide forever."

"I know. But until then, you're not going to get me that easily."

Kendall's eyes eagerly followed the brunette all the way to the refrigerator, watching with great interest as he opened the door. "Is this some kind of game to you?" he asked softly as Logan nonchalantly pulled his head out from the cold depths. "You said that you would go grocery shopping. The fridge and cupboards are empty, we can't keep living on takeout" he groaned irately, returning the blonde's line of sight with an equal intensity. He smiled as Kendall's face contorted itself repeatedly with a mixture of shock and frustration. Clearly he had not been expecting this sudden twist of confidence. "And yes, I am making it a game."

"Why?"

"Because you were the one who said I wouldn't be safe from you here, so I figured this would be better than me crying away in a corner over why you'll never love me."

"I do love you."

"Yeah, keep telling yourself that" said the brunette, shrugging his shoulders. "Are you going to get the groceries or not?"

"Forget the fucking groceries would you?" muttered the blonde through gritted teeth. He shoved his hands into his pockets and glared at Logan with every iota of dark wrath he could muster. "Is that all I am to you Logan? Just some fucking game you can play to forget that you're hiding out here from your family?" The smaller man shut the refrigerator door with a swing of his arm, lowering his deep mahogany eyes to the floor. "No one can slide the knife in quite like you can" he said softly turning his body away from the blonde. His feet took two brisk steps forward, but he willed them to stop where he stood. "Let me make one thing very clear Kendall – the only reason why I'm here is because I can't face up to them yet. I'm not here because of you or what I feel, or whatever the hell's going through your head-"

"Heart."

"It doesn't matter. You and I are exactly that: two separate pronouns that will never be together, so just stop whatever it is you're doing and please leave me the hell alone."

Logan managed quite a considerable distance from the kitchen entrance, but like clockwork, he felt the taller man's hands against his waist. A cloud of warm breath frolicked against the nape of his neck, shooting a thunderous bolt down his spine. He had been held like this for more times than he cared to remember, but the effect was always the same. "Why do you keep doing this?" he whispered hoarsely, his eyes stinging over with a harsh miasma of tears. It was amazing that no matter what they said, they would always end up back together at this dungeon of a square one. "I love you" whispered the blonde, pressing his forehead against the brunette's back. He shifted his entire weight onto the smaller man's frame, causing the both of them to sway with listless abandon. "Is that so hard for you to understand?"

"You've hurt me so many times" croaked Logan miserably. "I know that part of it's my fault, but-"

"It's no one's fault. No one knew we would end up like this." The blonde chuckled softly. "Not even a brain like you."

"When does this all end?"

"When you finally accept that I love you." Logan's hands fell limply to his sides as his body betrayed him once more to the touch of the one person who could command him with such intoxicating magic. 'I love you'… it was right there in front of him, like a glowing ball of warmth just waiting for him to reach out his hand and take it, so why couldn't he? Why did his heart constrict every time Kendall said those three words? He understood that they were meant to push him into the upper echelons of nirvana, but all they did was wound him instead. Even if Kendall wanted to, there lay a chasm of obstacles for the two of them to ever be together – and he was tired of fighting. "I can't ever accept that" he said quietly, feeling the tears stream down his face in a burning path. "I need to let go of you; for both our sakes."

/*\\/*\\/*\\/*\\/*\\

"Where do they keep the milk again?" said the blonde absentmindedly to himself, staring at the vast expanse of the cooler section before him. Yoghurts, whipping cream and cheeses all stood before him like solid white and yellow blocks, but the main ingredient that started them all was nowhere to be found. Things had certainly changed since the last time he'd worked here – for one, his former boss greeted him with an unusually placed smile instead of the rumbling frown he'd come to expect. Being back here in Minnesota had really placed things into perspective. Being in Los Angeles for so long, he'd almost forgotten that normal human beings went shopping if they wanted something, it didn't magically appear within a couple of hours if they asked their record manager. This opportunity to connect back to his roots was certainly not wasted upon him, but there grew a limit to the amount of patience he had: he couldn't keep hunting for milk cartons the entire night. "Who the hell goes grocery shopping at six in the night anyways?" he grumbled, pushing the trolley out of the aisle to the other side of the cooler in search of the white gold he sought. The next aisle was a continuation of the cheese selection, forcing a volley of dark curses out from the blonde's mouth. "How hard is it just to find a God damn carton of milk?"

"Very hard if you don't know where to look." Kendall turned around to the source of the frosted voice behind him, raising his eyebrows in surprise. In the sharp fluorescent lighting of the supermarket, Dennis Mitchell's eyes flashed menacingly from behind the rimless glasses, unapologetically sending daggers through his contemptuous glare. "Hello Kendall. It's been a while."

"Mr. Mitchell" said the blonde quietly, unaware that his hands had let go of the trolley and flopped uselessly at his side. Even though the graying man was slightly smaller than him, Kendall felt the air collapse itself out of his body, robbing him of his breath. Adrenaline pulsed resoundingly through every fiber of his being, readying him to leap bounds away from the father of the man he'd hurt so badly. Every step the architect took forward echoed in perfect synch with his troubled heartbeat. If there ever was a time for his actions to reach through karma's touch, this was it. Logan's parents had always doted on him, going to every single corner of the world to protect him as much as they could. The time for paying was now.

"I guess I owe you this" muttered Dennis, placing himself right in front of the bewildered blonde. Kendall felt the older man's fist collide into his gut a second later, sending a million sparks of pain swimming across his body. His arm automatically placed itself across the point of impact as he doubled over, his face twisted into untainted agony. His eyes flew open to watch the small twist of satisfaction playing across the architect's lips. "You have no idea of how much I've been wanting to do that."

"I get it, OK?" winced the blonde, still clutching his stomach. "I don't need your punches to know that I'm the world's biggest prick."

"Ah, that's only a very tiny drop in the ocean. After what you did, you're lucky I'm not here with an axe." Kendall inhaled deeply, feeling his body move to and from a state of paralysis from the hurt. Dennis's eyes had iced themselves over with an impassionate distance, setting his face into stone. "So he told you what happened?" breathed the blonde, finally raising himself to his full height. His hand still lay protectively across his midriff. Dennis gave the slightest shake of his head. "Actually no. I found out about what happened from my sobbing wife who barricaded herself in his room." He arched an eyebrow, pulling his expression into sudden angry hints. "She's taken it pretty hard. She won't eat, sleep or function properly until he's home."

"You guys don't have to worry. He's staying with me."

"All the more reason for us to worry my dear boy." The older man set the fine line of his jaw into a quivering rage. "Were you even thinking you idiot?" he whispered lowly. "Do you have any idea of what you've done to this family?"

"No, I wasn't thinking at all" said the blonde, curling his lips. "I was trying to save your son from a life of misery, and every single minute since then, I feel like crap for what I did!" He glared around the empty aisle before returning his attention to the architect. "You think I don't feel guilty for how I acted? I know what I did was wrong, but I didn't mean for any of this to happen. If I could take it all back, I would."

"Do you get off on this?" asked the older man softly. Kendall frowned bemusedly. "Off on what?"

"Being utterly loved by someone that it consumes their entire life. Do you enjoy it?"

"I love him" snarled the blonde angrily, his emerald irises blazing with unfathomable emotion. He was so tired of having to keep explaining this over and over again to himself, to Logan and now to his parents. He was truly at his wits end as to what to do, couldn't the rest of the world see that? The possessive desire residing inside of him couldn't be that hard to see. "I hope to God that you mean that" said Dennis, unblinkingly focusing his eyes on the singer. "Logan can't take much more of this and neither can we."

"With all due respect Mr. Mitchell, this has nothing to do with you" said Kendall coldly. He thinned his mouth out into a set line. "This is between me and him."

"Then stop your games Kendall, for all our sakes. Be honest with him, and either love him or let him go." Dennis reached inside his trolley and pulled out a milk carton, cautiously handing it over to the blonde as if it were a bomb. For a split second, the sparkling clear of his eyes softened sympathetically, wounding Kendall far more than the punch could. "He deserves better than this and you know it. I know Logan enough to know that if he loves you, he'll never let you go. I'm not asking you to conjure up something fake; you both are too good for that. I'm asking that for once in this entire mess, just tell him the truth."

/*\\/*\\/*\\/*\\/*\\

"Logan, turn around" came the soft whisper, shuddering itself right down to the brunette's soul. He held onto the blindingly white shower walls for support, feeling himself travel back to that place, that one moment in time where his body had betrayed him and assisted in his violation. "Kendall, not this again, please."

"No, it's not." The blonde's hands slowly turned the smaller man's body around carefully, afraid it would break if he pushed too hard. His gaze misted over, feeling the painful lump in throat grow bigger by the minute. If he was rejected now, that was it – it would never be worth it to go on without Logan by his side. He winced as the brunette softly explored the darkened bruise on his stomach, a physical sign of the guilt he bore. "What happened to you?" whispered Logan, his breath coming in concerned puffs. "Did you get mugged?"

"I love you" murmured the blonde softly, laying his hand tenderly against Logan's. His other hand opened itself up and gently slotted itself against the smaller man's cheek. To think at one point in time he would never feel the same. "You're right Logan, we can't do this anymore. I can't keep telling you that I love you if you're not going to believe me."

"Kendall-"

"What I did to you was wrong on so many levels. This entire time I thought that if I made you hate me, you'd stop loving me."

"Kendall-"

"Love me back Logan" whispered the blonde, his voice breaking with emotion. "I can't live without you anymore. Forgive me."

**So guys, what do you think? Should Logan forgive Kendall? Leave a review and let me know your thoughts please, you're why I do this ;) Till next time!**


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12: My Heart Bleeds Red, Part II**

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Big Time Rush or any of the characters, but I did throw a wish in a well, so hopefully something does happen but just don't ask, I'll never tell…

**Author's Note:** Hello dear readers, I certainly hope that this finds you well. A big thank you to everyone who reviewed and alerted the previous chapter, I love you guys for doing that So it's the start of campus again here in my corner of the world, and I was thinking that I'm probably go erratic on this whole writing gig again, but I'm going to try my very best for you guys to keep this as regular as possible. Now, the next chapter awaits your reading pleasure, so please…

"Forgive me." Kendall's eyes flashed in the Midwest moonlight, the poignant emerald of his eyes boring into the smaller boy beneath him. Logan let out a slow exhalation, feeling himself melt willingly this time to the madness. He couldn't breathe whenever the blonde was this close to him, let alone when he was this vulnerable. His mind swirled over and over with the same zealous bewilderment that had plagued him for so long, but his body suffered no such affliction. Hints of pink kissed themselves against his skin, remainders of the passionate twirls and wall slams that had landed them into bed. Their path from the shower was littered with shed clothes, punctuated by the scent of hot steam unabashedly masquerading in the air. And now, here they were – on the brink of no return, but something had changed this time. Through the enigmatic swirl selfishly taking over his sense of reason, the brunette had felt the blonde's kisses more sweeter than the last time they had collided like this, almost like satin raining upon his lips. Kendall had adoringly blazed a path down to his neck, awakening the soft skin to life with illicit runs of his tongue, before slowly returning back up to give his mouth the same attention. In this ardent show, all he could do was surrender his heart and soul to his lover, no matter what twisted games he had gone through to get here. Forgiveness seemed like such a foreign concept when he had at least some bit of logic functioning, but here under the cover of night, it was a mystery why he had never felt this way before. There was a world of hurt that the blonde could conjure up especially for him, a lifetime of different hells from now until his last breath, but the imploring green shards gazing despondently back down at him told him otherwise. If this wasn't the truth, he didn't want know. He had been through enough already to numb him to everything else but the one reason why his heart pulsed out so affectionately. There was a long way to fall from here: he could wake up tomorrow and it could all be over. There should be alarm bells loudly tolling off somewhere waking up from this… and he just didn't care anymore.

"I can't take back what I did to you" whispered the blonde hoarsely, running his hand down Logan's heaving chest. His fingers settled briefly across the brunette's torso, feeling the rampant heartbeat spread across his hand, the simple melody of their love. "And I can't change what's happened between us. But if you give me a chance…" The words faltered against the painful lump in his throat. Closing his eyes, he breathed out gradually and continued. "I'll give-"

"I only want you" said Logan quietly, running his hands up the taller boy's arms. In his eyes, this was a choice that could force him to hang onto the delirious heartache and fester in it, or he could let and finally call himself a free man. Right now, the decision was easy. "That's all I ever wanted." He gently pulled the blonde's head towards his, moaning as the delicious sparks flew like thunder between their lips. "I'm taking a huge risk here Kendall."

"I know. I'm not going to let us fall this time."

"I love you." Kendall trailed his lips across the brunette's jaw, right up to his earlobe, earning a barely audible groan for his efforts. "You have no idea how badly I've wanted to hear you say that."

Logan brushed his lips against the blonde's shoulder, his head spinning ecstatically at the clean taste of skin dancing lightly on his mouth. The thinly veiled heat burst into a spectacular inferno between their bodies, lustfully coaxing them to live vicariously through instinct. They had sacrificed too much to let each other go so easily this time – this moment was theirs to own, forever burned into their skins by the fiery possessiveness in which they touched each other. They knew each other too well, this game was played long before, but they both had lost that time. Sensual shudders rocked through both of them, crashing away at their senses relentlessly. They were more than lovers at this point; they were one, finally joined together after endless trials by fire. The brunette threw his head back with a helpless cry as the blonde flicked his hips back and forth, grinding their steeled members together to numb themselves in shattering pleasure. "Keep doing that and I'm not going to last long" he panted, losing his fingers in the sunshine blonde locks they held onto for dear life. He felt Kendall's teeth sink into his neck in reply, ignoring his breathless plea and picking up his pace. He was a slave to his body, but more so to his beloved. This was the final risk he would take, if it all failed now, there would be no coming back… and yet the clouds of hot breath against his chest told him to trust in his beloved for once in this entire chaos. As a heady nirvana tore through their bodies, savagely robbing them of every earthly tie, Logan blissfully shut himself away in the strange sense of happiness he felt in his heart, an entity so alien, he feared it might not be real at all. Only one thought rang mercilessly in his head, but he didn't need to say it – the comforting thump of the heartbeat above him reassured that it was known, and this time returned with even more force than it was given. He'd never leave this single point in time, even if the world started to fall apart around him. This was his haven now, not somewhere in the isolating darkness. "I love you."

/*\\/*\\/*\\/*\\/*\\

"So remind me why I'm here helping you do the dishes?" asked Jo flatly, handing over a plate to Carlos as she impatiently huffed away a lock of hair from her eyes. She watched bewilderedly as the Latino stared at the orange disc moodily before zealously running away at the surface with his wash cloth. "Gustavo would have ripped each of my limbs and slapped me with them if I asked him, so you're my backup plan."

"Oh yeah, I saw that article in _Pop Tiger_" said the blonde, bursting forth with a sudden grin. She handed over the next plate to the Latino, taking an intense relish at the sullen mask on his face. "Something about a romance between a young Mexican boy and a far older record manager, destined to fail in the face of fame and fortune."

"They didn't even get my nationality right" snarled Carlos, forcefully throwing the plate onto the counter. "And what the hell am I supposed to do now? Every time I walk out of this place, there's a whole swarm of those reporters asking me if I'm cheating on James with Gustavo. Like anyone would even sleep with THAT in the first place!"

"Yeah, they probably think he imported you" laughed the blonde loudly, draining the foamy reservoir in the sink. She pulled open the tap and ran her hands briefly through the clear jet before killing it with a quick turn of her wrist. "Better make sure he doesn't get arrested for harboring an illegal sex slave or something."

"Don't you have a boyfriend to share these snarky comments with, or did he leave you for your poor sense of humor?"

"No, actually he left to try and piece your band back together. And you want to know the best part? I have no idea when he's coming back."

"I don't blame him. I'd do the exact same thing if you were my girlfriend."

"So that's why you're running after your best friend and your record producer now?"

"Screw you."

"Not before they do. Actually, if Gustavo does, I'm never coming this close to you again."

Letting out a weary sigh, Jo slowly traversed her way across to the awaiting yield of the orange couch, gracefully strewing her body across its pillows. "I don't get it" she said, hearing the heavy undertone of tired confusion distort her usually golden melody. "Before I went to New Zealand, everything made so much sense. We were… perfect."

"You guys still are" called Carlos sagely, hastily stuffing the stack of plates into the drawer. "It's just now it's a different kind of perfect."

"Tell me oh wise sex fiend, what the hell does that mean?"

"Before you left, you guys were so great because you genuinely were flawless. Actually, it got pretty sickening after a while; the rest of us couldn't stand it. Now, you're just the amazing Palm Woods super couple by default because there's no one else to challenge your title."

"Firstly, what preteen garden rag did you get that from? And secondly, there are plenty of other couples around. Look at James and that new girl."

"He's not her boyfriend" snapped the Latino irately, glowering at the blonde's smug expression from the narrow kitchen passage. "He's going out with her to prove that he's not with me."

"Yet another Hollywood romance gone sour. What is the world coming to?"

"Speaking of which, did you try telling Kendall all this crap instead of lazing your ass on my couch and making fun of me?" Jo put on a mocking pout, arching her eyebrow for effect. "You think I haven't? I call him ten times a day. I'm best friends with that lady who tells me the subscriber I have dialed is not available." She locked her head back to gaze despondently at the ceiling. How was it that something which was so right in the past was so difficult now? She knew that they weren't the same people as when they parted ways before, but it was beginning to seem like a fool's wish of the first degree to assume that they could pick up where they had left off. Every moment without the arrogant smirk beaming at her was like an eternity that she had to lug herself through, and the fight was beginning to take its toll on her. "Do you think I'm stupid for wanting him so badly? I mean, what happens when that spark just isn't there anymore?" She rolled her eyes wistfully. "There'd be nothing left to keep us to each other anymore. We'd just be two strangers who were in love once."

"Well, you could give up and that would make things pretty awkward when the two of you run into each other in the hallway. But why won't you fight?"

"It's not a matter of 'won't'. Its hard to fight for something that's not even there anymore. Kendall and I just don't connect like we used to." She threw her hands up in the air, a physical manifestation of her defeat at the hands of love's absence. "Maybe its time for us to just call it a day."

"Maybe. But what else do you have left to lose if you try one more time? Beats the hell out of knowing one day you'll look at him and all you'll see is the guy who got away because you couldn't bring yourself to put in the effort." Jo cocked her head smilingly, lifting her body to stare at the Latino. "You're really smart for an idiot, you know that? I never knew you were so deep." Carlos puffed out a sardonic breath, folding his arms as he glowered at the blonde. "I'm glad you finally see it."

"No, I'm serious. Deep down, behind all that helmet and hockey talk, you're a real sweetheart. You're going to make some girl feel like the luckiest woman on earth."

"Think so?"

"Sure. Who wouldn't want a gay best friend?"

"Fuck off."

/*\\/*\\/*\\/*\\/*\\

Logan allowed himself an idiotic grin as he stroked his fingers through the blonde silk hair generously doused across the pillow. Merely touching Kendall like this sent him hurtling with an uncontrollable giddiness to a place in his head he never knew existed. Of course, finally seeing the blonde at his most vulnerable didn't change what he had been through – the worst chasms of human despondency had passed before his eyes, all because his heart wrung every bit of love it had for the wrong person; but at the very least the confession was a comfort, reassuring him that his feelings were reciprocated. The only problem lay in where to go from here: the brunette had spent so much time agonizing over his pain that he completely blocked out the possibility that this burst of sunshine would ever come into his life. Los Angeles still loomed ominously within his mind, brimming over with the many ways in which to crush this affectionate bubble. If what Kendall said really was true, he would be torn between the girl he'd waited so long for and the friend who had always given heart, soul and more. "Would you pick me after last night?" thought the brunette, wandering his hand down the middle of the taller boy's body. His fingers danced with steady jubilation at the golden-kissed skin, tracing the wrathful bruise he found with the utmost homage. Kendall whimpered into the pillow, briefly contorting his face into a pained expression. "You said that you wouldn't let us fall again. Were you in pain too?" Logan meandered his hand back up to the blonde's hair, stroking his head in synch with the zealous dance of his heart in his chest. There was so much he wanted to say right now, so many ardent questions impatiently bustling in his head for answers, but he knew that it all came down to the person slumbering innocently beside him. "Did it hurt you when I left? Because God knows it killed me. You were…" He shook his head smilingly. "You are everything I need from my life. If I just have you by my side, I can face the world and be the person I never could six months ago."

With the lightest of movements, the brunette leaned down to Kendall's ear, breathing his soft melody of love against the taller boy. "I love you" he whispered, gently kissing the blonde's cheek before rising up again. A second later he felt a gentle grip seize his hand as he heard a stifled yawn pierce the quiet atmosphere with its seductive beckoning. Logan turned his head to see his beloved grin impishly back at him, pulling himself up from the sheets. "I love you too" he said quietly, running his thumb repeatedly across the brunette's wrist. "But I may love you less if you're going to be such an early bird" he sniggered, longingly sweeping his sea green eyes across the brunette's fresh shirt and jeans. Logan scoffed loudly. "I can't help it if I'm a morning person, you know that."

"Well, I could give you the right incentive to stay in bed."

"Or you could tell me how you got that bruise on your stomach." Logan stared at the blonde intensely, watching his expression mellow out into a look of utter vacancy. "If I do, promise me, you won't do anything" he whispered, freeing the smaller boy's wrist from his hold. Logan threw his hands up in the air irately. "Short of robbers with guns, what can I do?"

"Promise me."

"Fine, whatever." Kendall inhaled deeply, steeling himself for what was about to come. This felt wrong on so many levels, but was it really worth it to start this relationship off on a lie? "When I went to the store last night, I met your dad. He punched me."

"You're fucking kidding me." Logan jerked his head forward, feeling his head swathe itself with anger. "They just don't know where to quit!"

"It's not their fault. If your kid went through what you did, wouldn't you do the same?"

"I wouldn't go around punching people!"

"Yes, you would." Kendall bit his lip anxiously, reaching over to comfort the brunette. His arm landed on Logan's frigid shoulder, only to be shrugged away. Seeing him now like this was like watching a completely different Logan. "They hate my guts now, and that's what I deserve."

"You-"

"You loving me doesn't change what I did, and I have to face up to that." He pressed his head against the brunette's shoulder, watching his hand travel in oblong circles on the sheet beneath them. "They love you Logan, a hell of a lot more than I ever can. All they want is for you to be happy."

"You're not the enemy here."

"Not to you. But I hurt the one thing that means the world to them, how can you expect them not to hate me?" Collapsing all the air in his lungs, Logan threw his body out of the bed, landing spectacularly on his feet. The blonde watched him fearfully, begging the frosted mahogany irises to see reason, but the brunette's heart convulsed with molten rage. "Don't do this Logan, I'm begging you."

"I have to, for all our sakes." He walked out of the bedroom door, letting the house echo with his every livid stomp. "It's time I got my life back."

/*\\/*\\/*\\/*\\/*\\

"Dad, what the hell were you thinking?"

"Is that really what's going through your head at this point?"

"Yes!" Dennis flinched at the brusque bite of his son's voice, gazing through his spectacles at the young man who stood before him. "Could you keep your voice down? People are staring." As he looked around the near empty diner, the architect wondered where on earth he lost the son he thought he knew so well. The Logan he was so familiar with was long gone, replaced by someone who had completely shed himself of all innocence. No longer the boy who would follow him around with absolute adoration eyes, this was a man who demanded the world to hear him roar. "You know that your mother and I only want what's best for you" said the architect weakly, wearily rubbing his forehead with his open palm. "We don't want to see you get hurt."

"Punching him isn't going to solve anything."

"Do you love him?" Logan raised his eyebrows with frustrated bewilderment. "What does that have to do with you?"

"If you can honestly say that you love him in spite of what he did to you, I swear your mother and I will back off. You can stay here or go back to L.A., your choice. But if you can't-"

"Even if I say I can't, this is my life Dad" said the brunette coldly. Teddy nodded. "And you're our son, so you see our vested interest here."

"You're unbelievable."

"Then prove me wrong, look me dead in the eye and tell me you love him. Tell me he won't hurt you again like before and I will personally make sure that you can do whatever you want."

"And if I don't?"

"I think you're smart enough to know that." Logan narrowed his eyes to furious slits, surveying his father maliciously with his glower. This wasn't anyone else's choice but his. So what if there was a world of hurt waiting on the other side of this for him; wasn't it worth the risk instead of holing himself up and praying that Kendall never so much as touched him? "I love him" he said through gritted teeth, his eyes blazing at the architect. "I always have, and I always will, and there is nothing you or anyone else can do to change that. Not even I can."

**Wow, seems like Logan's getting to be a little bit reckless. Hope he knows what he's doing. What do you guys think? Leave a review and let me know! Till next time!**


	13. Chapter 13

**Chapter 13: Second Thoughts**

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Big Time Rush or any of the characters.

**Author's Note:** Hey guys, what's up? I hope you all are doing well as always, a huge thank you to everyone who reviewed and alerted the last chapter, you guys rock. So please, sit back, enjoy the next chapter, and let me know what you think! ;)

The pink blush of the dying sun dramatically set itself across the Minnesota horizon, bleeding the last of its light to the sky before it relinquished its heavenly reign. The kindly zephyr twirled itself around the sharp jade leaves dangling bravely from the trees, like the softest emerald daggers just waiting to strike. The slight chill in the air sent a shudder down Logan's spine, sending his eyes across the front yard in a slow sweep. A small grin happily twisted itself across his lips as he watched the blades of grass sway beckoningly in the passing wind, briefly gratified by the occasional twig sailing through their grasp. He had lost count of the summers he had spent here; lazily dreaming away the days until medical school; or the winters that forced his cheeks to blush in the most incandescent of crimsons. How far away they seemed now, as if they were part of someone's life instead of his. Looking back now, it seemed the metamorphoses simply went into overdrive, forcing his life to change at every whim. Two years ago, he thought that nothing in the world mattered except for having that white coat rest imperially across his shoulders; a dream so solid that he blocked out everything else. Things were so certain back then, so comfortably reliable that he had taken them for granted. Now he had to be grateful for every single minute that passed without incident, for fear that it may all fall to pieces at the slightest provocation. This wasn't the way for anyone to live – to stay in limbo like this; exiled from the rest of the world was starting to poison him, slowly but surely chipping away at what remained of his heart. "I'm surprised no one's bothered to stick me in an asylum" he thought sardonically, watching the sun's fiery death play out spectacularly above him. "Then again, maybe I'm beyond anyone's help." The familiar chill of the wind comforted slightly, carrying his sigh into the ends of nothingness. "What I wouldn't give to have those days back." He closed his eyes painfully, feeling the innumerable shards in chest thud in the most erratic of dances. "Screw that actually. What I wouldn't give to be sure of you." He gave the closed door a careful glance, afraid that his thoughts might cause the blonde to come charging straight at him. Berating himself for his foolishness, he turned his head up to the sky, watching as the faint streaks of velvet heralded the birth of the night. Day and night, seamlessly following each other ever since the dawn of time, only allowing this brief twilight as a breath between them: how he envied the ease of it all, mourning the life he would never live.

Another wistful breath perfumed the twilight air as the brunette stared despondently at the approaching darkness, feeling his chest constrict tightly with the pain he had come to call his only friend in this entire chaos. There was something so incredibly hypnotic about the blonde – his power hung over him far too easily, forever twisting the brunette for his bidding. "I should be angrier about this" thought Logan darkly, feeling the blackened sky resonate harmoniously with the tempestuous swirls lurking inside his psyche. "That's why Dad's so difficult. I just gave in without a second thought." His hands gently bruised themselves against the wooden banister, gripping it tightly in spite of the small wooden splinters pinning themselves to his palms. This entire charade was nothing more than him being led on a string like the idiotic puppet he was, going nowhere slowly with rose colored glasses blinding his sight from the truth. Kendall would want the two of them to return to L.A. soon, back to whirlwind existence that brought him this hell in the first place. "Back to Jo, and back to square one – me pouring my heart out like a fool to some shrink, hoping that someday the pain will go away." He clicked his tongue irately as he paced around the porch, completely lost in the consuming gulf opening in his head. There was simply no avoiding that this relationship was nothing more than a glorified dead end, a temporary illusion made for especially for him to deny the inevitable end of it all. The funny thing was that all the heartache kept him wanting more, just for one more moment to hear "I love you", even if it was just for the sake of it. This wasn't love, just a twisted pretence made to look like it – behind all the passionate whispers that stole his breath away; he was seeing something that might not have been there to begin with.

At the slow creak of the door opening, Logan froze in his tracks, his ears cautiously picking up on every footstep taken towards him, afraid his feet might give way to a thunderous escape if he didn't keep control. The blonde's hands wrapped themselves around his waist seconds later, their usual confidence entirely abolished by the humbling concern they showed as they lightly danced across his hips. Logan closed his eyes as he felt the hot cloud of breath seductively caress the nape of his neck, sapping away every bit of willpower he possessed. He had been right to think that he was too weak to fight against this – he lost himself each and every time the taller boy touched him like this, pushing all the right buttons to get the reaction he wanted. Was this truly worth it, just to hear those three words uttered? "You were gone for the whole day" murmured the blonde, resting his forehead against the forest of dark spikes in front of him. Logan exhaled a depressive mist of breath. "I went to see my Dad about what he did to you."

"The entire day?"

"I wanted to be alone for a while." Kendall lowered his head to plant a kiss on the brunette's cheeks before turning him around, the light emerald of his eyes concernedly searching the devastated cocoa that gazed back at him. "I'm guessing things went badly?" he asked softly, creasing his brow slightly as he watched the smaller boy turn his head away to the distance. Logan arched his brow thoughtfully, giving his head the most trivial of shakes. "Not exactly as I'd hoped" he said quietly, his voice panging against his throat like gravel. "He's still worried about me."

"I told you, it's not your battle to fight. You can't blame him."

"No, I can't." The brunette shifted on his feet anxiously, thinning his mouth into a quivering line. His thoughts paused themselves, unable to fully transform into words, abandoning him when he needed them the most. So much rode on this one moment of honesty, his entire world hanging precariously in the balance – one fundamental screw up, and the sky might as well come falling down. "He asked me if I loved you" said Logan, dropping his gaze to the wooden beams beneath his feet. He felt the emerald stare intensify, ignoring the rest of the world around them to focus their bewitchment solely on him. "I told him that there wasn't anything he could do to stop me."

"I love you too."

"That's why I need to ask you something." Kendall's frown deepened as the brunette finally lifted his head, placing the glistening mahogany of his irises back onto him. His heart hammered violently in his chest, feeling that unknowing emotional witchcraft start to meander across his body, lulling him into the sweet passivity of denial. It scared him at how easy it was to close his eyes and pretend that ignoring this gaping chasm was of his own free will. It would certainly numb the pain, but for how long? How long could he expect himself to simply follow this on the hopes that he was truly loved? "Do you expect me to go back to Los Angeles with you?" The blonde pulled the smaller boy back into his embrace, lightly brushing his lips across his forehead as if they would inscribe his feelings against the canvas of milky skin. His hands tenderly ensnared the brunette's, his thumb softly stroking the wrists he held; afraid they would break if he gripped too hard. "I don't expect you to do anything you don't want to" he whispered, making sure the brunette heard every honeyed drip of his words. Logan's lips parted slightly. "But you're going back. Even if I don't."

"Not if you don't want me to."

"Do you know when you say things like that, how easily you tear me up?" Logan shook his head once more. "If you want to stay here, don't make it because of me. I'm not bearing that kind of responsibility."

"No one asked you to. Logan, if I do stay here, it's because of my choice."

"You'll regret it."

"Would you stop that?" Kendall raised his eyebrows, eyeing the brunette with a defeated glare. His hands immediately returned to the sides of his own body as he watched Logan helplessly avert his gaze back to the floor. "Why is it that whenever I try to show you that I really do love you, you do this complete one eighty?"

"Because every time you say that, I lose a little more of myself to you."

"And that's bad?"

"You can kill me without knowing it Kendall" said the smaller boy softly, lifting his head to bear the full emptiness of his expression to the blonde. Time and time again, he went through this, all without question, bearing the full brunt of the taller boy's spell without so much as a bare hint of doubt to see the light. This was one time too far. "And the worst part is that I can't even fight you off. This is just another place where-"

"I love you. If I have to go knocking on every door in town, and prove it, I will; but I do fucking do love you."

"I wish I could believe that."

/*\\/*\\/*\\/*\\/*\\

"I don't think there's anything we can do at this point" said Dennis quietly, staring at the tiny mocha ocean swirling around in his mug. His ears picked up on Joanna's faint groan, slicing through the tense atmosphere between them like a guilt-ridden blade. The clock on the wall kept speeding up to midnight at each passing glance, but he could have cared less. Any conversation they said always stretched itself far beyond the usual banter, circling itself to death around the early hours of the morning. This had now become their habit – to hype themselves up about whatever insidious plights awaited their son at the hands of Kendall Knight, knowing full well that at the end of the day it was his choice to give in the twisted obsession he foolishly named love. No matter how he looked at it, the architect kept landing himself back at the same exasperating conclusion: they couldn't save what had chosen to break so easily. They could have dragged their son from the old Knight residence; endure the endless hours of kicks, screams and tantrums, but at the end of the day they had no sway over heart. If this truly was Logan's decision, not even they could break Kendall's hold over him. By his own vocation of heart, the youngest Mitchell had stripped them to mere powerless shadows, unable to protect him anymore.

"I just don't believe that this is how it's supposed to end" said Joanna hoarsely, tightly locking her fingers against one another. Her body fidgeted irritably against the soft yield of the sofa, rocking back and forth in the face of her husband's stasis. Inaction was not something that sat lightly with her, especially when it came to the wellbeing of her son. The fact that she was here sitting behind the façade of a perfect home doing nothing to bring Logan back sickened her to no end. Being bound by her son's stubbornness had forced her to reluctantly surrender her histrionics for the moment and retreat them to somewhere beneath her surface, where they seethed away at her mind, maliciously gnawing away at her once practical demeanor; never once failing to remind her that the more of herself she poured into the most futile of thoughts, the more she forgot how to function. The youngest Mitchell's absence had lividly driven a wedge between his parents, but it was his mother that seemed to be wounded the most – she had to watch her son knowingly take the path to his own destruction, all the while praying that somehow he'd survive without so much as a thought of how this rendered the three of them so vulnerable to their own insecure demons. Of late, the brunette and the architect had given up on comforting each other through the pain, resorting to merely tolerating their spouse's existence instead of a unified front. Try as she might, Joanna couldn't bring herself to even begin to understand her husband's patience through Logan's trial of heart, feeling his indifference to the situation was his selfish way of coping without their son; whilst she placed heart, soul and more into even mere flickers of imagination. With each passing day, the silences grew heavier, blanketing the once mirthful household to the point where they felt strangled in the other's presence. Hell did exist – it was just without the fanfare they thought came with it.

"Do you remember when he was five?" said Joanna slowly, ceasing her buzz of movements as her eyes grew nostalgically. She dropped her hands to her sides and lay back against the couch's waiting support, feeling the blackening exhaustion finally catch up with her. "His first day at kindergarten? He wouldn't let go of our legs."

"And we both leaned down to him and told him he was a big boy now" smiled the architect, wistfully running a hand threw his steel grey locks. His eyes sparkled with a limpid hazel as the grin on his face grew tenfold, breaking the first bit of bliss he'd felt in days across his expression. "And when he finally stopped crying, I promised to take him to see _Toy Story_, and you said he'd have a big batch of cookies waiting for him when he came home."

"You want to know the truth? I bought those cookies from the supermarket." Dennis turned to his wife, raising his eyebrow in lighthearted astonishment. "What?"

"I had to show a client a house right before the two of you came home, and I knew I wouldn't have enough time to do it from scratch. So I took an assisted cheat if you will."

"It didn't matter. He was completely fine the next day. He even chased us off." Joanna shook her frosted locks smilingly, throwing her head back to the ceiling as she immersed herself in precious moments gone by. She felt her hand being gently dragged away from the side of her leg and into her husband's tender hold, gently sliding his fingers between hers as if they were made of glass. "I never thought things would turn out this way. And not just for him, but for us too."

"What happened to him?"

"I don't think it's a question of what happened to him. It's more of us not being able to see him for the grown man he is." He clicked his tongue impatiently. "We got stuck in the past."

"I can't live like this anymore Dennis." She dropped her gaze just in time to see the architect thin his mouth out, seeing the strain birth itself in all of its glorious angst for the first time. "Even if he does come back, it won't solve anything, will it? This will always be hanging over our heads."

"Can I ask you something? Do you wish that maybe he wasn't gay?" Dennis cracked a small smile. "Of course not" he whispered softly, feeling his eyes mist behind his clear cut spectacles. "Do you?"

"I wish he wasn't in love with Kendall, but no… I love him just as much." Joanna felt the brief smile slide off her face, the one bubble of happiness she had gone so quickly. "What now?"

"We wait… and pray to God our boy knows what he's doing."

/*\\/*\\/*\\/*\\/*\\

"And the boss said your presentation for Richmond Holdings got extended by two weeks" chirped Rachel melodiously, positively splitting her face in two uneven halves with her grin. Dennis offered her a weak smile in return, giving his office door desperate glances as he plotted to end this death by glee as quickly as possible. He appreciated his assistant's evergreen zeal, but she had the uncanny knack for taking things to unbelievably inexplicable levels. There were days were he felt like he was caught in a _Barney and Friends_ episode, unable to stomach the saccharine tsunami that pounded at him constantly. "Did he say why?" he asked slowly, nervously pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose. Rachel looked up thoughtfully before answering. "I think they just got a huge windfall from that acquisition they made in New York."

"It still doesn't change the fact that they're a bunch of rich, moody bastards" sighed the architect wearily, drumming his fingers against his laptop case in anxious beats. "Anything else?"

"Oh, Logan's waiting for you in your office." Dennis's brow contracted in bewilderment instantly, feeling his heartbeat notch itself up to the upper echelons. There was definitely something that his son wanted- maybe another chance to show that despite all the worry he and Joanna could muster up, this was still his life and it was him that had the final say… another chance to prove what useless parents he had, guardians who couldn't even save him from himself. The architect stared blankly at Rachel, slipping his head into the slightest of nods. "Did he say anything?"

"Not really. He was waiting here as soon as I pitched up. I told him you weren't due for another hour or so, but he insisted on waiting." Her eyes lit up excitedly. "He's really grown."

"You're telling me. Listen; tell the boss I'll be working from home in a couple of hours. There are a few things I need to sort out back home."

"I mean he's really handsome, and-"

"Easy Rachel, he's barely eighteen."

Dennis paced over to the door from the assistant's desk, feeling the blood rush to his head in animated streams. The thick frosted glass stood before him like a gateway to a world unknown; a new low he could sink to while miserably recounting the sweet naivety of days gone by. His fingers barely scraped against the cool slip, feeling an in irrepressible shudder travel snake insidiously up his spine. This was the last stand; he could feel it snap around him in the air. No matter what happened now, this would be the exchange of words that would spin their worlds on its axis in the beautiful confusion that was human nature. "I'm not letting you go without a fight this time" thought the architect firmly, gripping the door handle until his knuckles turned white. The sound of the lock clicking backwards pulsed through his ears, steeling him up for what was about to come. "Today, you listen."

Letting out a small exhalation, Dennis swung open the door, only to blitz into the airy space of his office as he adroitly slammed the thick glass pane shut behind him. Pausing only to free himself from the restrict of his laptop bag, his eyes instantly made a beeline to see the defeated figure on the other side of the vast oak desk cock his head curiously at him. In the instant obstinate hazel met despondent mahogany, the architect felt his heart melt at the undulating voids of depression looking back at him so pleadingly. Never before had he felt the paternal bond so his son resonate so strongly, shunting aside every other sense he had until his head thought with the ribbons of emotion he held back for son long instead of the icy cuts of logic. "Hear me out, OK?" he breathed, raising his hands in some peculiar show of truce. He watched Logan nod slowly, heralding his moment for release. "You… Damn it Logan, I can't even tell you how much your mother and I love you. We know that this is your life and you're supposed to live it the way you want it. But you can't expect us to sit back and watch you blindly go and destroy yourself over someone who hurt you so badly before!" Logan smiled slightly as looked down at the floor, feeling his father's gaze burn into him forcefully. "That's funny because I'm starting to think the exact same thing" he said quietly, his eyes shimmering in the soft sunlight spots. Pursing his lips together thoughtfully, he turned around to face the shaded sanctity of the Minnesota world, steadily basking in the thin sunbeams sparkling across the landscape. "I'll be honest; I don't know why I love him, even after everything's that happened. But after yesterday…" He turned back around to face the architect, his expression cut from the most solemn of stone. "You were right Dad" he whispered softly. "I can't keep getting hurt like this." Dennis nodded, taking a step forward towards his son. His eyes saw neither the boy from lost years nor the rebellious son who fought for his own path – the man in front of him now was uncertain of where to go, lost amongst a sea of possibilities and led on by the promise of love. How Logan was not shattering to pieces before him was a miracle... unless this was just the millions of shards of his heart talking. Kendall could have broken him already for all he knew. "Can I ask why?" he said quietly, feeling the inferno of emotion radiate towards him from the mahogany irises. "Why now after all this time?"

"Because I have nowhere else to go Dad. There is no down or up from here for me." Logan shrugged his shoulders, feeling an uncontrollable shudder of sorrow pass through his body. "Did you know he has a girlfriend?"

"Yeah. Jo, right?"

"Right." The brunette dropped his gaze again. "How do I fit into the picture then? If we go back-"

"No one said you had to go back" said the architect quickly, taking another step forward. "Stay here with us. You can go to medical school like you always wanted." A smile cracked at the edge of Logan's mouth, gifting Dennis with the precious view of what his son used to be. The devastation seemed endless, but hope glimmered somewhere behind that errant curl of lips. "I think that dream is gone for now."

"Logan-"

"Besides weren't you the one who taught me not to run away from my problems?" Dennis shook his head smilingly. "Sometimes I regret being such a good father."

"What now Dad? Where do I go from here?"

/*\\/*\\/*\\/*\\/*\\

"_Gone out, be back later_" read the blonde flatly, rolling his eyes cynically as he crumpled up the note. "I wish he'd stop testing me like this." Kendall sighed to the air, rushing a frustrated hand through the solar notes in his locks. This game of amorous cat and mouse was starting to hastily thin what was left of his patience. In his own way, Logan had been right – whether it be here on in Los Angeles, it was still the same complicated rules they played by. "I can't do this anymore" murmured the blonde, lazily shuffling his feet towards the living room. Flopping his body onto the awaiting softness of the couch, the jaded green eyes followed the rim of the ceiling in hopeless abandon, feeling his irritation ebb and flow in the same useless cycle it always did whenever Logan smoked himself into his head. Was this all there was to it, a lifetime of having to prove the honesty of what he said to someone who didn't really believe anyway? "Why am I even here in the first place?" he groaned, feeling his head spin in overwhelming entropy. "He doesn't want to come back, and I can't fucking force him." Kendall closed his eyes and felt the weight of his emotion overtake him, a blackening abyss that he could lose himself in whenever he wanted, but offered no comfort of escape or solace. Maybe this was it – a love between two best friends that just couldn't be. Fame, fortune and Jo still beckoned to the east of here, was he really about to abandon it for something that was fleeted before his eyes? "Why do I even love you in the first place Logan?" he whispered softly. "You don't feel the same, and I can't string two people along forever." He laughed quietly to himself, feeling his body ache miserably with every breath. "I'll leave you in peace here."

"Kendall! Kendall, open up, I know you're here!" The blonde bolted upright at the call of his name, suspiciously clocking his eyes around the room in a single sweep. Landing on the doorway, he leapt to his feet and shuffled forward, feeling his stomach lurch at the familiar voice coursing through the brittle air. He stepped forward tentatively, bracing himself for the wrath that awaited on the other side of the door. Dennis had already exacted his revenge, it seemed only fitting that she came to do the same. Exhaling in a smooth blast, he opened the door to find the iron-clad face of Joanna Mitchell glower back at him as if he were the devil incarnate. Tucking away a stray lock of hair, she gave the blonde the full intensity of her stare, causing him to recoil slightly. This was not a woman to be toyed with, least of all when it came to the one thing she held above all else. "If you're looking for Logan, he's not here" said the blonde, meeting her eyes with his own version of her cocoa-eyed fire. Joanna shook her head vehemently. "I'm not here for him, as much as I'd wish he'd leave this place."

"Then why are you here? Got an axe stashed behind your back?"  
>"Look, Dennis should have never punched you" she said icily, laying her hands expectantly on her hips. "But considering how you tortured Logan; be grateful that's all he did."<p>

"Still doesn't answer my question."

"I'm here to talk to you. Or more actually to tell you something, I have absolutely no respect for you anymore." With a nervous blink, her hands fell weakly to her sides as she steeled herself to let go. This was it, this was about to throw her son to the cruel wolf lying in wait for him, biding its time to strike… but if this was what he wanted, then so be it. This was his own mistake to make, not hers or anyone else's. "To tell you the truth Kendall, I can't think of a reason why Logan loves you so much. You're everything he isn't."

"Oh, so this is my fault now."

"No, but it is your fault for how you treat him." She breathed in before continuing. "Dennis and I can't keep protecting him forever, and that's something I've only just come to realize. Whether the two of you can weather it out and move past all of this, that's your own business." Kendall nodded silently, never once taking his gaze off of her. His heart began to quiver excitedly in his chest, pulsing out wave upon wave of sickening guilt. This wasn't anyone's fault – they were just people responding selfishly to their own emotions, human nature at its very zenith. God didn't create a 'how to' manual to deal with the blunt suffering that always came with the sweetened taste of love. All they could do was stop, break down and feel their way through this until it didn't hurt anymore. "Thank you for that" he said hoarsely, watching her eyes melt helplessly at his words. "I can't tell you what to do in all of this" said the brunette, feeling her voice break pathetically in her throat. "I'm not here as some vengeful harpy or anything like that. I'm begging you as a mother, if you feel anything for my boy, just please be honest with him. He can't take much more, and neither can we." With a final nod, she turned around and took a step forward before pausing in her way out of the porch. "Do you love him? Or are you just with him out of a guilt trip?"

"Can't it be both?"

/*\\/*\\/*\\/*\\/*\\

"Do you love me? Come on Logan, answer me. " The blonde's voice was feather light as it rang through the air, but it pierced the shorter boy like the worst kind of dagger. "Please?" Logan turned his head to look through the window, watching the moon rise above its celestial kingdom, a silver monarch amongst the countless members of its court. "Yes."

"Logan, I'm going to back to L.A. soon" said Kendall gently, placing himself tenderly on the couch next to the brunette. He watched the featureless expression before him give nothing away as it stared intently back at him. "You're leaving?"

"You don't-"

"I'm coming back with you." The blonde arched his brow in surprise, still wondering how on earth Logan could keep his face a blank canvas at this time. "You are?"

"I can't keep doing this to you. Or myself. Hiding out here…" His voice trailed off despondently. "It's just a new prison. New place, new people, but the same damn feelings every single day."

"You're coming back to the band then?"

"Soon. I just want some time off to figure something out."

"Well, the fat bastard's going to be thrilled." Logan nodded, as he gulped nervously, feeling his heart begin to do its usual show of angst-ridden euphoria. "I know that you love me, and I'm sorry it's taken this long for me to realize it. And I know that Jo is waiting back there for you, and that's a whole other mess to sort out." He breathed in, feeling the blood rush excitedly to his head. "I don't care what you do, or if you still want to be with me when go back. This time here that we've been together, it's been hell on us, but also the best fucking days I've ever had with anyone."

"What exactly is it that you want from me?" asked the blonde quietly, leaning in until his lips gently sunk into the brunette's neck, tasting the heady tang of passion slide across his senses. He'd never say it yet, but this would always be the one person he loved, regardless of guilt. He closed his eyes as he felt Logan shudder in his affectionate hold. "Tell me."

"Love me."

**Wow, Logan's going back to L.A. What's going to happen then, with Jo, Gustavo and the band? And will Joanna and Dennis ever warm up to our favorite blonde? I hope so. What did you guys think? Please leave a review and let me know what you thought! Till next time **


	14. Chapter 14

**Chapter 14: Minnesota Romeos**

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Big Time Rush or any of the characters.

**Author's Note:** Hey guys, what's up? I know, it's been so long since I've written anything, but I've been recuperating from my disaster of a campus term and took an extended holiday… FROM EVERYTHING! But better late than never right? So, a huge thank you to everyone who reviewed and alerted the last chapter, it really made me smile. Please sit back, enjoy and let me know what you thought!

"I love you so fucking much" murmured Kendall; his breath crowding around the nape of the brunette in hot, lustful clouds. Logan closed his eyes as he felt the blonde's hand travel across the skin of his bare chest, inciting fire across the swirling paths as the feather light touch sparked electricity across his entire being. His heart thudded demandingly inside his chest, alerting him to every sound the bigger man made, every single movement his body commanded so adoringly against his own. "I love you too" he whispered, locking his fingers loosely against in between the blonde's. A faint smile crept across his lips as he felt a kiss lightly press itself into his shoulder, a barely-there snowflake so tempestuously swept up within the unabashed heat of passion. Was this some sort of dream? He was scared to find out the truth. If he opened his eyes, it might just shimmer away into the nothingness that it came from, leaving the willing side of his heart broken forever. The madness that was Los Angeles would soon loom over him, whispering darkly in his head to remind of him of every single reason why this moment; this sweet, serene moment of pleasure could only be some whimsical wisp of thought in his head. The band, the work, Jo – the biggest test of faith in his life would soon begin. His love would be weathered, tortured in every conceivable way possible. Minnesota's safety net was no longer an option, and neither were Dr. Harding's exhausting hours of soulful confessions. This was a pain he'd have to face head on, and he prayed to God he had the courage to do so. "Or else this is all pointless" he reflected silently, closing his eyes as the blonde tugged pleadingly at his earlobe in between his teeth. "Then it really will be the end of me."

"I still can't believe you're coming back" said the blonde quietly, resting his forehead gently against the crown of dark spikes in front of him. Logan lightly creased his forehead into a bewildered frown. "You didn't think I would?"

"You have to admit you weren't exactly open to the idea." The smaller man let out a gentle, hollow laugh. "What did you expect? I was scared as hell, and you showing up out of nowhere didn't exactly help." Kendall's chuckle rained lightly into the brunette's ears. "Still, you have to admit you really get flattered when someone puts that much effort into stalking you."

"Can I ask you something? Why did you come back?" The blonde playfully nipped at Logan's neck, carving his sinful licks into the fluctuating satin skin. "Honestly?"

"It would be nice."

"I couldn't stand it back there" murmured the blonde, pulling Logan closer to his body with an effortless heave. "Being alone in that room every night, and looking at your bed… it drove me crazy." He pulled himself up to plant a kiss against the brunette's cheek. "Plus Gustavo kept pissing me off about what would happen to the band."

"That warms my heart like you cannot believe" said Logan, gracefully flipping his body to face the blonde, helplessly giving into the grin playing across his lips. He lifted his hand to line the blonde's visage, staring across into the bewitching pools of emerald before him. He was thoroughly enchanted by this beast of perfection before him, consumed by him only and nothing else. "You're really something else, you know that?" he whispered without thinking. Kendall threw him a wry smirk. "My turn to ask you something."

"Shoot."

"Are you still scared?" Logan sighed deeply. The million dollar question sliced through him like the coldest of daggers. How could he tell the blonde that the thought of L.A. and all the emotional storms it held induced cardiac gymnastics inside of him? Kendall couldn't take one more of this strange dance they were so apt at – it was always a case of one step forward and ten steps back. "Kind of" he said quietly, averting his gaze to the steady rhythm of the taller man's chest. "But it's different this time. I feel like I may fall at any moment. Or just float away, I'm not sure which yet."

"What changed your mind?" Logan laughed softly. "That's two questions to my one."

"You can ask one later" grinned the blonde impishly. Logan drew his eyes back up to the hypnotizing green ones cutting right through him. "I talked with my dad today, and he helped me figure out that I can't keep running away forever." The corner of his mouth curled into a half smile. "I'll never know unless I-" His smiled deepened as he paused to correct himself. "Unless we do this."

"I'll never let you fall" said Kendall slowly, his eyes twinkling in the faint midnight moonbeams. The brunette leaned forward to steal the sweetest of kisses from the zeal of bee-stung lips, his heart thoroughly in sync with the amorous streaks running rampantly through his psyche. No, he wouldn't fall like he had done before. "My turn. Do you really love me?"

"Like you even need to ask me that Logan."

The blonde's face lost all expression as he affectionately sunk his lips into Logan's neck, feeling the smaller man's moan of pleasure lose itself into the still air of the night. The inferno of passion lay heavy against his tongue, sending his senses into overdrive, somewhere where even emotions failed. To him, this was what love was – completely immersing himself in the other person until he willingly lost himself to the senseless bliss burning away at him so resiliently. Logan had kept going on and on about how he had him wrapped around his finger without even knowing, and yet the smug irony of it all was he was just as hypnotized by this as the brunette was. Had it always been this way? Given everything that had happened, it was anyone's guess why the two of them would even think of being together. Still, things had changed: one wrong move and he would come crashing down too this time, with a world full of people sitting there and watching. It was enough to drive anyone off, but he owed Logan this much, one chance to prove their fears wrong. "Don't you ever fucking leave me again" groaned the blonde, protectively pulling the brunette towards him until they slotted perfectly against one another. Logan's eyes flew open from their pleasure, a sudden burst of warm chestnut rounding out in front of the searching emerald ones. Biting his lip, he stifled a yearning yelp as he felt the blonde's hands tease every inch of skin they landed on with the most exquisite forms of torture. He shook his head slightly before trailing up to the taller man's ear in a blaze of silken kisses. "Like I ever could."

/*\\/*\\/*\\/*\\/*\\

**The next day**

"_Joanna, promise me you won't go over there. The last thing we need at this point is to give him another reason to distance himself from us._" The estate agent clicked her tongue impatiently as her eyes ran over her watch anxiously, as if hoping her stare would somehow magically speed up time from the 9 o' clock standpoint on her watch. She cradled the phone precariously between her ear and shoulder as she placed an unconscious sip of coffee in her mouth. "He's already distancing himself from us Dennis" she muttered furiously, trying desperately not to roll her eyes at her husband's warning tone. "He's going back to Los Angeles for God's sake! Back to the crap that started this whole mess-"

"_Back to square one, I know. But if we don't give him this chance, we'll lose him forever._"

"Relax Sigmund Freud; you don't think I know that?" Joanna sighed wistfully, finally taking her line of sight away from her wrist and onto the sight outside her window. Iron grey clouds swirled ominously on high, indifferent to worries of the mortals below them. How she hated undecided weather like this. "I'm not going to do anything."

"_Thank you._"

"For now. And only because I told that son of a bitch that I wouldn't interfere anymore." The estate agent suppressed a smile from the relived exhalation she heard on the other end of the line. Once again, she had to chain herself up and watch her son walk knowingly into hell with a smile plastered across his face; and now she couldn't do a damn thing to stop him. God only knew where all of this would end, but she prayed against every rational fiber in her being that her baby boy would come through it all without so much a scratch. He had suffered enough, at Kendall's hands, and at his own – the last thing he needed was to feel his shatter spectacularly for the last time. "I don't like this one bit Dennis" she murmured, her soft gaze fixed on the monochrome swirl of the clouds above her. "This isn't going to end well."

"_Neither do I"_ sighed the architect longingly. "_Look, I've got to get started on this presentation. Call me later?_"

"Of course. I love you."

"_I love you too._" As she hung the phone back onto its cradle, Joanna Mitchell pondered upon the words that she just flung so effortlessly out of her mouth. 'I love you'… three words that could summarize her entire life ever since she had met her husband. She had said it everyday since she had married Dennis, and even more so since Logan was born. She had taken for granted what her son so frantically craved. "And what he's willing to pay the price for."

Before she could contemplate her son's lovesick condition any further, the doorbell's chime snapped melodiously through the air, pulling the estate agent out of her mental reverie. Laying her cup down with an irate grimace, she practically bounced on her feet on her way to the door, all the while muttering indistinctly to herself. Laying her hand on the doorknob, Joanna pulled it open impatiently to see the one person on her mind smile mildly across from the other side of the threshold. His face flushed heavy tinges of pink from the air's icy whip, but his expression gave away nothing but the blissful serenity of someone who had made peace with their troubles. No words needed to tell her that she had lost her son to Kendall; heart, soul and all the little quirks that made Logan the little boy she would forever treasure within her love. "Look, I can't stay long" he said quietly, his eyes swimming in light cocoa spins of emotion. Joanna slipped her head into a nod, steeling herself with a breath. This was hard for him too. "Did Dad tell you that I'm going back?"

"Yes."

"Mom, don't be like that. Please." The brunette cocked his head to the side pleadingly, sending his mother through an infinite number of memories. He'd done this so many times to get her onto his side, and it always worked… always. "I'm sorry honey" she whispered hoarsely, feeling a lump conjure in his throat. "I can't be anything else but this."

"So that's it? We're just going to leave it like this?" Logan shook his head vehemently. "My ticket's booked, I'm leaving for L.A. tomorrow" he said, never once moving his eyes away from his mother's face. He wanted to be here, to soak in every detail of her reaction so that this distance between them would be closed off forever. "I don't want this to be our goodbye."

"What do you want me to say Logan? That I'm happy for you? That I'm glad you're moving away with the guy who nearly raped you?" The estate agent averted her eyes tearfully. Every word of hers broke her heart that much more, and every second of acceptance of his drove the maternal knife deeper between her ribs. "I will do ANYTHING for you" she whispered shakily. "I will run to the ends of the earth and back if it made you smile, but I can't do that."

"I understand. But I love him. And maybe this is just some stupid dream of mine, but I have to give it a shot." He let out a small sniffle, followed by a smile. "Can I get a hug before I go?"

"Idiot" muttered his mother, pulling him towards her with an inexplicable show of strength. A choked cry escaped her throat as her hands stubbornly lost themselves through the thick spikes of his hair. Her chest swelled with the sense she had come to call motherly pride, heaving dramatically as it filled her lungs with the cold Minnesota atmosphere. "I love you so much" she said softly, shuddering as she felt her son's arms return her grasp with all the fierce affection in which it was given. "I know Mom."

"No, really… Look, I know that this isn't easy for you" she said softly. Her eyes stung bitterly to pause her but she soldiered on, bravely attempting a stance at composure. "You've spent your whole life loving someone who didn't return that."

"Mom, Kendall-"

"This has nothing to do with him. Your father and I just want you to be happy. You've suffered enough." Logan closed his eyes tightly, feeling the hug turn to an awkward sway. He wanted to remember this, that even though he wouldn't come back, there was a small house in Minnesota that would welcome him at any hour with smiles, metric tons of food, and more love than the world could contain. "Thank you."

"Oh, and you can tell Kendall this. Tell him that if he ever tries to pull another stunt like this one again, I will personally slit his throat and make him watch every last drop fall to the floor. I mean it." The brunette let out a soft laugh. "I was kind of hoping you'd say something like that." He pulled back from her shoulder, treating her to a broad smirk that lit his face up like Broadway lights. She may never come around to Kendall, but Logan knew that there was at least one person on this Earth to catch him if ever did fall… and for now that was enough. This was his final stand at love, a cruel game that was played for all or nothing. He could fill his world with 'if's' and 'buts' and never know if taking this step would be the end of his hell or just the start of it. He had to do this. "You're mine" he thought smilingly, watching on as his mother began to crack a grin of her own. "And I will fight to the death for you."

**So Logan's going back, but what awaits him in Los Angeles? *insert know-it-all, evil smile here* Let me know what you guys thought! Till next time!**


	15. Chapter 15

**Chapter 15: Thundering Hearts**

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Big Time Rush or any of the characters… insert sad sigh here…

**Author's Note:** Hey guys! Wow, it's been a while since I've been on this story, but better late than never, right? Anyways, a huge thank you to everyone who reviewed, alerted and added the story to their favorites, I love you all. By the way, random thought: do you ever think that the guys would do a worldwide tour? Like to each continent? I'd love it if they came down here to South Africa. Anyways, here is the next chapter, please sit back and enjoy it! As you guys know, your thoughts are most welcome, so don't be afraid to hit that review button!

"Now are you sure you have everything?" Logan sighed wearily as he ran his hand, nearly flattening the soft ebony spikes of his hair. The last dying flickers of his slumber had yet to leave the sweet sanctity of his eyes, but somehow Kendall had managed to work himself into overdrive without a single drop of coffee, all before the midnight's surreptitious birth across the horizon. The brunette had practically slept through his morning rituals of brushing his teeth and showering, trying desperately to ignore the inhumane hustle and bustle the taller man set off across the house. "Kendall, you've asked me that same question five times already" mumbled the smaller man, leaning his back into the solid safety of the front door. He passed his eye lazily over the two bags at his feet before loosely closing them, feeling his body ache for one more hour in the seductive comfort of a bed. His usual functioning wouldn't begin until a good four hours had passed, almost as if his mind was mystically linked with the rise and fall of the sun. "No more Minnesota sunrises for a while" he thought, feeling a brief smirk curl across his lips. He felt his heart give a small lurch against his chest, but a tight screw of his eyelids slowly willed it away. Leaving the safety net of Shakopee, Minnesota was a reward in and of itself, but the sunshine state that eagerly awaited him was the prize he set his sights on. Not for the fame, not for the money; but for the sake of putting this miserable storm of a past behind him, to replace it with at least the tender promises of the love he had pined after for so long. Home was something that had to fade away now – that little boy that was so afraid of feeling just the slip of pain had to die inside of him. The path he sought out with his beloved wasn't an easy one, he understood that now. "Do not fall" he whispered softly, careful not to let his words drift out against the blonde's rustling feet. "He's there; he'll always be there now." The brunette gradually opened his eyes to dim orange of the entrance light, feeling his head grow light in between the battle of his body's weariness and his heart's fierce blaze. Of course, there was the option of simply pretending this entire thing didn't exist, but he wanted to feel every single affliction of desire on his skin, every crash of heartache upon his soul. There would be no running away this time… no more hiding behind denial, just the sound acceptance of it all, whether it was good or bad.

"Logan, are you sure-"

"Ask me that one more time and you'll earn yourself some broken teeth" said the brunette flatly, lowering his head to see the blonde stare vacantly across from the other side of his luggage, watching his beloved drop his own bags behind his. He arched his eyebrow wryly at the taller man's fretful bewilderment, feeling his lips curl once more into a superior half grin. "And don't think I won't do it."

"I'm just trying to see if we packed everything we need. Well, not everything, but just the essentials." Logan shook his head as he pushed himself from the door, feeling his smirk cut deeper into his cheeks. Walking slowly over to the blonde, he drew himself up from his feet, letting his lips brush gently against his lover's cheek; surrendering himself over to the hand that wrapped itself around his waist. "Stop this" he whispered, pressing his forehead against the firm torso in front of him. He shuddered as he felt Kendall's other hand snake around him, circling him protectively within his hold. "When did I ever become this nervous about a flight?" he asked softly, his voice barely rising above a hoarse croon. Logan laughed softly. "I think I know why."

"You do?"

"Yes, and while I appreciate the concern, you don't have to worry." The brunette dropped his hands onto the taller man's, feeling his fingers set the taut skin alight with the barest of touches. "I'm not backing out of this Kendall."

"No, I…" The blonde inhaled deeply. "I know you're not. I just don't want you to be afraid anymore."

"I'm not" murmured the shorter man, tracing his fingers against the lock of hands against the back of waist. "And even if I was, luggage OCD isn't going to help me." His mouth adoringly bruised against the blonde's neck, feeling the race of his lover's pulse hum into his lips. "But you're afraid of something."

"Do I pay for these sessions Freud?" laughed Kendall quietly, cocking his head to the side as he felt the brunette pave his lips across the hollow of his neck. Logan pulled back, the dark mahogany of his pupils glittering in the still light above them. "Well, I'm kind of an unofficial expert on these things considering how many sessions I've been to. Tell me what's wrong."

"I don't know; it's just nerves or excitement I guess" muttered the blonde. "I spent so much time trying to get you back from your hell, and now that you're actually coming back…"

"It's sort of unreal, isn't it?"

"No matter happens back in L.A., I love you and nothing changes that" whispered the blonde, leaning in to nip the brunette's earlobe. Logan arched his head back smilingly; relishing the sparks flying across his body as Kendall slowly nibbled his way down his jaw. "Like I don't know that already."

A gentle knock at the door reluctantly forced the blonde to relinquish his hold on the shorter man, a wistful sigh blowing away from his lips as he watched the brunette scramble over the four bags of luggage to answer the door. The icy slap of the outside air instantly murdered the warmth in the atmosphere as Logan opened the door, forcing the both of them to tug tightly at their jackets. "Dad!" exclaimed the brunette bewilderedly, finally ceasing his subtle assault on the door handle and shoved it to the side. The smiling face of Dennis Mitchell carried a heavy tinge of pink around his hollow cheeks, but the soft chocolate of his eyes gleamed warmly as he pulled his son into his arms. "You didn't think of leaving without saying goodbye, did you?" he asked cheerfully, nearly squeezing the air of the brunette's chest. Logan softly slapped his hands across his father's back, helplessly Heaving Logan out of his embrace, he looked over at the blonde standing patiently behind his son, clinically taking in the unfurling scene in front of him. "Kendall" he nodded, effortlessly charming a buoyant grin across his face. The blonde proffered a tiny smile of his own in return. "Hey Mr. Mitchell."

"Dad, what are you doing here?" asked the brunette, swiftly stepping aside to let his father in. The architect gave the bursting cargo of unwashed clothes a furtive glare before turning his attention back to his son. "What, your mom's suddenly special enough to get her own private farewell, and I'm not? I'm hurt son."

"I called the office at lunch yesterday, but Rachel said you were busy with some presentation."

"Yeah, because my job is so much more important than you" said the older man, sardonically rubbing a hand through his silvering hair. "I think you know me better than that." With a quick glance around to see Kendall tentatively stepping forward, the architect let out a brief, pensive breath, staring around the passageway. "I should probably tell you that there's a cab waiting for you guys at the end of the driveway."

"And you're only telling us now?" asked Logan incredulously. Almost immediately, his hands flew to the handle of his bags, shoving one of them precariously over his shoulder while the other hung eagerly in his hand. Dennis turned over to his son, reaching his hands out to lay them on his son's arms. "You always have a home back here" he said quietly, nearly hypnotized against the impatient cocoa looking back at him. "Whatever you decide to do with your life, your mother and I are behind you all the way." Grabbing his child for one more hug, the architect sighed yearningly, feeling the brunette's arms quickly return his grip before letting go. "We love you."

"I love you too Dad. Would you mind letting go before this turns too gay?"

The architect let out a brief laugh to appease his son, gratefully soaking in his smile as he watched as his most precious treasure run out into the zephyr's cruel whip, so full of promise that his demons were behind him. The little boy who stared up at him with wondrous eyes was gone, banished to the innocent days of the past that held no sign of the present. With a final nod, the older man turned his gaze to the blonde behind him, carefully studying him as he picked up his bags. "I wish you knew how much he loves you Kendall" he murmured, cocking his head to the side as the taller man dropped his line of sight respectfully. "I have some sort of idea."

"You have a second chance here."

"I know." Dennis walked over to the blonde, his eyes swirling imploringly as he studied the surprised expression the younger man put up. "You and Logan have always been close" he whispered hoarsely, feeling his body go numb with anxiety. "More than anyone, he looks to you first and foremost."

"Mr. Mitchell-"

"Please, I'm asking you with as much dignity and respect as possible – take care of him. Don't let him go back to where he was before." The architect dropped his head in defeat before the man who had begun to eclipse him. This was Logan's world now, not Shakopee's blissful rapture of snowballs and mirth. He had to be freed from this imprisoning womb. "That's all I want of you." Kendall tapped the older man's shoulder gently, offering him a weak smile of acceptance. "Even if I have to die doing it, you can be sure of that much at least."

/*\\/*\\/*\\/*\\/*\\

"Carlos, would you rub my shoulders?" asked Jo, her face pulled into the most pleading mask she muster without looking like she had a stroke. "I've got a knot like you wouldn't believe." The Latino shot the actress a scathing glare from across the couch, digging his hands protectively into the loud orange suede of 2J's couch. "No thanks, I don't like the way you moan."

"Oh. Well, do you want me to rub your shoulders then?"

"No thanks, I don't like the way you moan." The blonde let out a weary scoff, flopping back onto the soft support behind her. "And you wonder why-"

"Shut it!" snarled Carlos, furrowing a frown into his brow in utter fury at the actress's stifled laughter at his response, turning his attention back to the TV. "It's bad enough I'm the laughing stock of the Palm Woods, I don't need you reminding me of all that crap in the sanctuary of my own apartment!"

"Ooh, touchy aren't we?"

"Remind me again why you're here and not at the airport to pick up your boyfriend?" Jo pouted her lips furiously, narrowing her eyes dangerously at the Latino's triumphant expression pulled across his face. Of course, it was meant in retaliation to her jab, but it still cut a deep a scar across her pride. In truth, she didn't know why she was here of all places instead of at the airport – there was too much uncertainty hanging about her head, clouding her view of the man she loved. If Kendall really did take their relationship seriously, why suddenly leave for Minnesota to bring back a person who clearly didn't want to return? Why wasn't there a single message or voicemail on her phone with the words she so desperately needed to hear? "I didn't know if I'd be wanted" she replied icily, following the brunette's line of sight towards the cartoon characters flailing about ridiculously on the TV screen. It was partly true – given Kendall's distance, she didn't know whether her presence would be wanted. It would be far more humiliating to be the ignored girlfriend who defiantly kept offering her time and love to an unwilling altar rather than the girl who just simply wasn't bothered to get out of bed for the boyfriend who pressed pause on their relationship.

"Of course he wants you there" said Carlos flatly. He picked up the remote and lowered the volume with a fluid flick of his thumb. "You're his girlfriend."

"He's got a real funny way of showing it."

"Seriously, you should have seen how devastated he was when YOU boarded that plane. After that, he didn't move, or eat or sleep. We were about to begin funeral preparations."

"Carlos, what kind of guy leaves his girlfriend alone to go and bring back his friend without so much as a phone call or message in between?" asked Jo, her voice caught somewhere between steeled indifference and aching wrath. The Latino turned to face her, arching his eyebrow quizzically. "In all fairness, he's known Logan a lot longer than you."

"This has nothing to do with Logan you idiot!" hissed the blonde, flaring up her amber irises. "This is about my relationship!"

"You know, having this 'me, me, me' attitude all the time isn't healthy" said the Latino sagely, wagging his finger in front of the blonde to see if she'd break. Wisely deciding to pull his hand back to his vicinity, the brunette cleared his throat and stared on at the actress, wary of her every move. "Look, it's not like I don't see where you're coming from."

"Thank you."

"But on the other hand, it's not like he went down there for himself. What he did, he did for the band."

"I get that, but why leave me out in the cold?" asked Jo, folding her arms defensively as she snuggled her back into the couch. "Why couldn't someone else have gone?"

"I don't think anyone else could. Kendall and Logan have always been close even amongst the four of us, and they don't even get one gay rumor circling their heads. If anyone else had gone back to fetch him, Big Time Rush would have already been over."

"That is such a cock and bull reason" muttered the blonde angrily, turning her attention back onto the TV screen. "Isn't there anything else to watch besides these early morning cartoons?"

"Well, there is always the option of you going back to YOUR apartment."

"You and I both know that that's not going to happen." Carlos clicked his tongue, following his own optic path back to the plasma screen. "Just don't blame anyone."

"What?"

"Just don't blame anyone for anything. It's not anyone's fault for how things turned out. When Kendall gets back here, you're going to do all those sickly sweet things you guys do and pretend none of this ever happened."

"And just why should I stick my head in the sand?" The brunette smiled knowingly, virtually feeling the blonde's eyes burn into him from the side. "Because firstly, I'm not your shrink and I'd much rather talk about my bigger problems than your stupid ones. Secondly, all that guilt and anger you're feeling doesn't help anyone a single bit. Are you willing to throw away your relationship just because of some calls and texts that never happened?"

"Well,-"

"The answer is no. So he made a mistake of not getting into contact with you. We don't know what went on there or what it took to bring Logan back. Just let it go and move on."

"Wow Carlos… you really are gay."

"Fuck you."

/*\\/*\\/*\\/*\\/*\\

"Gustavo, we just came back from Minnesota on the redeye flight" said Kendall, glowering at his own reflection in the record manager's sunglasses. "Why the fuck are we here?" The corner of his eye hastily caught onto the brunette shuffling nervously on his feet, his gaze firmly fixed onto the monotonous grey of the carpet beneath them. Gustavo had taken on it himself to kidnap the two of them from Mrs. Knight's watchful eye at the airport as soon as they walked through from baggage reclaim, desperately swerving them away to Rocque Records with loud promises of having them back as soon as possible. Throughout the drive back to company, the blonde had exchanged frustrated eye rolls and stolen smiles with his lover, careful not to let Gustavo catch so much as an inch of their faces. Logan had shown not the slightest inch of slipping back into his old dark box of secrets, but then again, they had barely been back for two hours. Even with the firm knowledge of their love, the pressure and pretense of the entire fame game could threaten to crumble the both of them, sending them right back to square one. Every move they made, no matter how small, had to be done carefully, a masterful execution of the most amorous kind of love plan.

"OK, here's the deal – we are hemorrhaging money through our asses!" exclaimed the record producer, twisting his head between the both of them. He slapped the black and white logo of the company behind him, causing both of the singers to jerk with surprise. "Your little vacation has cost us time out of the limelight and delayed our album production!" Logan picked his head up, a frown creasing the top of his forehead. "It wasn't a vacation you ass" he muttered, narrowing his eyes to mahogany slits. He turned his head slightly to see the blonde throw him an appreciative grin before returning his focus back onto the record producer. "What the hell do you want?"

"We need to you guys back on top as soon as possible. Goldilocks, you're off to _AM LA_; and the Pied Piper of Minnesota here-"

"Fuck you."

"You have an interview with _Pop Tiger_. Now normally, I'd get you guys together for one sit down; but seeing as how James and Carlos are still apparently in love according to every tabloid in the city, my hopes and dreams boil down to you two." Gustavo shook his head disdainfully. "God, I have officially hit rock bottom for saying that."

"What part of 'we just got back' don't you understand, you attention-seeking walrus?" growled Kendall darkly, matching his expression to Logan's one of irritation. "We can't do interviews just yet!"

"I'm not talking about right now. I'm talking about tomorrow for you and the next day for Logan."

"You know, you're this close to having one of us murder you while you sleep" said the brunette, looking away once more. Sighing briefly to himself, he rolled his eyes wearily, all the while tapping his foot against the carpet. "What do we have to say?"

"The usual – music, other band members and girls. Just keep your answers simple, and everyone's happy."

"Can we go now?" asked the blonde, staring intently at the record producer. Gustavo nodded. "Sure. And if you see Carlos, tell him I died."

"If only Fat Man. If only."

Walking out of the office with blatant crimson irritation on their faces, the lovers marched solemnly until they were out of Gustavo's earshot, finally turning to face each other. Kendall exhaled tiredly as he propped his shoulder against the wall, enchanted by the limpid brown circles staring back at him so questioningly. Nearly a second later, the brunette caught on: they were hardly back for a quarter of a day, and already they had to put up a smokescreen to fool everyone. It would be a future of secret meetings and barely-there kisses, an entire eternity of effort just to spend two seconds together. They were fools if they thought they could ignore this kind of pressure – their bond was just coming out its fragile state, only to be broken by this. Twisting his head around to make sure they were alone, the shorter man reached out to loosely intertwine his fingers into the blonde's. "It's just interviews Kendall" he murmured, feeling the taller man's gaze peek right down to his very essence. "We've done this before."

"Not like this Logan" said the blonde, heaving his chest in a tired breath. "We're going out there-"

"And answering questions. Plain and simple."

"And what am I supposed to say when they ask about Jo?" Logan pursed his lips together dramatically. There it was, plain for him to see – the big, goddamn gravity of the situation finally revealed himself. There were no parents this time to reassure him, no hiding away in his room… just him and the big pitfall he had to take. "Tell them what's in your heart" he said softly, feeling Kendall's hold on his hand grow tighter. "You love her."

"I lo-" The taller man shamefully dropped his line of sight, unable to hold the ethereal strength radiating from the brunette's eyes. "I really don't know."

"Sure you do. You've always known." Kendall gave his head the slightest of shakes, feeling his heart plummet right out from his body in histrionic bursts of wonderful agony. "You're asking me to lie."

"No. I'm asking you to get through this for the both of us." Logan leaned in, softly placing his lips against the taller man's pulsing neck. "Please."

/*\\/*\\/*\\/*\\/*\\

**The next day**

"Thank God you're back" said James, handing over a glass of orange juice to the brunette. Logan smiled thankfully, twisting his head briefly around to take in the smiling faces of Carlos, Katie and Mrs. Knight at the dinner table before returning his attention to the news anchor of _AM LA_ briefly shake hands with Kendall on screen. "I'm sure you all had your fun without me."

"Yeah, I wish. Ever since Carlos and I split up-"

"Started seeing other people socially, not romantically" called the Latino, a distinct chip of annoyance in his voice. James waved a hand to dismiss his statement. "I kind of have this empty feeling inside of me."

"And exactly what am I supposed to do about that?" asked Logan cautiously, slowly edging away from the taller man. James shrugged his shoulders casually. "Well, I've been trying to fill the void with different people and I was hoping-"

"I'm not filling anything inside of you" said the brunette flatly, picking up the remote to turn up the volume. "And from now on, I'm only hanging out with you in front of at least two witnesses."

"_So Kendall, now that Jo Taylor is back at the Palm Woods, are you guys back together?_" asked the anchor. Logan watched the screen intently, feeling his palms cease their bone white assault on the remote. This was a simple interview, why was heart pulling itself into overdrive? This was a part of their relationship now, no matter how unfortunate it was. Sure, he'd have to play second fiddle at times, but wasn't that better than where he was before he left for home? "_Uh, yeah we are back together_" grinned Kendall sheepishly, fiddling his thumbs together. The brunette parted his lips slightly, slowly feeling the air catch painfully in his chest. Something was wrong, he could tell it. This wasn't the usually confident Kendall he knew, he was torn behind the pretense of that smirk. Leaning forward, he scrambled the couch for the remote, upping the volume again. "_So is it safe to assume that she might be the one?_"

"_Actually Ben, while we're on this whole relationship thing, there is something I have to say._"

"_Please._"

"_There's someone else that I'm in love with, and I owe it to that person and myself to live by the truth._"

"Don't do it, don't fucking do it" muttered Logan under his breath, his eyes growing wider with shock. His blood chilled to ice, paralyzing his body where he sat, rendering him unable to anything but sit and watch his beloved confess his heart out on public television. _"This person has been there beside me for as long as I can remember, and… and told me their feelings for me. At first I ignored it, but it's only recently dawned on me that I feel exactly the same way for him._"

"_Him Kendall?_"

"_Yeah Ben, him_."

"What the hell is he playing at?" asked Katie, pointing to her brother's visage on the screen. Logan opened his mouth to scream, to let loose every single curse known to man for the blonde to stop but his voice failed him completely. This was beyond his control – and soon everyone would know just how far things had spiraled out in his life and why he had let them get that way. There was nowhere to hide now: his fate was sealed. "_I'm in love with Logan Mitchell_."

**Dear God Kendall, on TV? Seriously? What's next for our favorite couple now that they're outed? Can they move past this or is it best if they just break up? Find out next chapter, but please don't forget to leave a review to let me know what you guys thought of this one! Till next time, ciao!**


	16. Chapter 16

**Chapter 16: Les Amants**

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Big Time Rush or any of the characters. Big surprise there…

**Author's Note:** Hey guys, what's happening? Wow, a huge thank you to everyone who reviewed and alerted the last chapter, I'm glad you guys liked that one. What the hell was Kendall thinking doing that on television of all places? But let's face it, if he did do that for any of us, they would have to inject us into a coma to keep us from bursting with excitement. This will be the last chapter of this story, and let me add that it has been an absolute thrill writing this for you all because out of all my stories, this one is the most personal and closest to my heart. Thank you to everyone who has been such a help in encouraging me, reviewing; and in general, just reading my work. It may sound kind of sappy, but I'm really glad I found this site as my own private escape. As you may know, I still have other stories to continue (I'm so behind, damn campus!), so the Kogan magic will still continue. As usual, your thoughts are highly appreciated, so please sit back and enjoy!

The brunette's eyes cast themselves downwards to his hands, the liquid cocoa spheres stubbornly focused on every inch of milky skin swathed across his fingers. The tiny blades of grass beneath his feet shook blithely in the wind's warm caress, basking in the slow inferno of the thick Los Angeles sunbeams. The towering imposition of the Palm Woods building loomed threateningly over the park, casting a heavy blanket of a shadow across the park, but his gaze would not waver from where it rooted itself in the most oblivious of senses. The walk to the park bench had been filled with incredulous stares and surreptitious whispers, all stolen across his morose figure. The eyes of others had stabbed his heart in a continuum of daggers, rendering it unable to beat with the same conviction it possessed before the flight back here. Did they know the truth already? Were the beastly scars of the past six months that obvious to see, or were they still guessing as to what the truth behind it all was? Whether they believed it or not, his secret was smeared across the greater California television network – soon the tabloids and bloggers would follow the scent, relentless hellhounds who traversed the earth at the faintest scent of blood. Whether he knew it or not, Kendall had just rung the death knell for Big Time Rush, shattering their starry-eyed aspirations to irreparable smithereens of what they should have been. With a faint smile of melancholy snaking about his lips, Logan felt the bitter betrayal sting painfully across his eyes. Whatever the blonde's plan was, he wanted out. This was the final limit that could be broken, after what the sweet torment he called hell had put him through, this was his last stand. He understood that there was an unbreakable pattern of things crashing histrionically between them, but this time it had gone too far. He would have gladly taken on a thousand heartbreaks if it meant being with Kendall, but not at the cost of other people getting hurt to fulfill their own wildly painted fantasy. How strange it seemed that once upon a time, the entire world could have burned itself underneath the weight of his pain, but as long as he could trick himself into believing that Kendall could actually feel what he felt, it didn't matter. Now that it actually found its convoluted way to reality, Logan wanted nothing more than turn invisible against the tide of his lover's passionate war to win his heart.

"Space for one more on that bench?" The brunette exhaled sharply at the pleading rhetoric of the voice above him, reluctantly swerving across until the bench's arm rest gently nudged his ribs. He felt the familiar firework of excitement shudder through his body as his hand slowly slipped away from his leg and into the tender hold of his beloved, but his anger forced him to see through the affectionate onslaught and hold tightly onto reality this time. "I'm sorry" he heard Kendall say quietly, feeling a gentle squeeze pulse through the taller man's grip. Logan gritted his teeth in obstinate silence, his eyes practically burning themselves holes into his jeans. He felt the blonde jerk uncomfortably against the bench before settling back down again. "It must have been hell to get down here."

"Biggest fucking understatement of the year" cursed the brunette, his voice barely cracking above a whisper. "They wouldn't let me leave the apartment. I had to look all four of them straight in the eye and lie point blank that I didn't know what the hell was going on."

"Logan-"

"James wants to skin you alive, you know that? You just destroyed what he lives for. I've never seen him that furious."

"Look, just-"

"Not to mention I had my goddamn head bitten off by our caring, sincere record producer; who's given me strict instructions not to be seen within fifty feet of you in public."

"Would you listen to me?" cried the blonde, slamming his hand into the brunette's shoulder, forcing the shorter man to slowly turn his head and hold him in the midst of his icy gaze. Kendall imploring searched the fast-dying warmth of his lover's eyes, his breath painfully catching in his throat. Anger, he could understand, but not this guarded cruelty. "I'm sorry for what I did, OK?" he said hoarsely, the soft green of his eyes glittering in the sunlight. "If I could take it back, I would, but I… I did it-"

"Don't you dare say you did it for us" muttered the brunette, coldly narrowing his eyes. "Because this isn't what we were going to do."

"Then tell me what we was supposed to happen Logan" said the taller man softly, gracefully lowering his head to the shorter man's shoulder. "Were we meant to keep what we have a secret forever? Did you want me to live a lie and pretend to pick up where Jo and I left off?" He leaned in closer, his bee stung lips hovering around the brunette's ear. "Did you expect me to come back to you every night, take you in my arms and say that I love only you no matter what happens?"

"Rather that than dragging other people into our fucked up mess" whispered Logan, shrugging his shoulder to ward the blonde away. Biting his lips, he shook his head derisively, feeling the taller man's consternated stare bore right through him. "Were you even thinking when you said it?"

"You and I deserve better than stolen kisses when no one's looking" said Kendall quietly, dropping his gaze to the emerald swords of grass. "If this ever has to work, it can't be hidden just for the sake of hurting other people."

"And what good is that the two of us are happy while everyone we care about has their worlds upside down?"

"Not our problem. You and I have been through enough crap."

"You're wrong Kendall" murmured Logan, disentwining his fingers from the blonde's. With a blithe exhalation, he lifted himself off the bench, turning his head down to see his beloved gaze yearningly back up at him. His heart wanted to break at the sight of the dying fire splayed across the sea green spheres, but he had to be strong. "This is never about just us. Whether it's my parents, or Carlos and James, or even Jo; there's always someone else to factor in because that's just the way this thing is."

"Please don't walk away."

"I have to. For now at least."

/*\\/*\\/*\\/*\\/*\\

Logan flinched slightly as he felt the rough solidity of the door against his knuckles, feeling his heart nearly still itself with manic anticipation. Every single piece of amorous philosophy in the world was against what he was about to do now, but then again his life had hardly played by the rules of normal. He didn't owe anything to anyone about what pieces of himself he chose to offer up to Kendall – whatever happened on TV could easily be covered up by the plethora of falsehoods that Kelly and her team could spin up, almost to the point where it would seem to have never existed. "But we'd know" he thought morosely, his ears picking up on every footstep dropped on the other side of the door. "No matter what happens, we'd know. I know, he knows… and she knows now." He closed his eyes wearily, letting out a shaky breath in an effort to ignore the growing pangs of anxious butterflies setting themselves off across his blood. At the end of the day, it matter that this particular lie would kill him the most: this was a necessary murder, especially if he wanted his conscience eased.

The brunette's eyes flew open at the soft swing of the door, instantly drinking in the sight of the shorter blonde before him, the amber in her eyes glowing sadly in their fragility. It was enough for him; he didn't need to see the thin line of tears trailing down her cheek to know that this was what his love had culminated to: claiming himself amongst the others until they were all truly empty like him. This was what the love he'd been so eager to cultivate had done, ironically wreaking vengeance for all those innumerable moments a small piece of him died. "It's a lie" he said softly, afraid to even reach out to the actress for fear she might break if he so much as laid a finger on her. "What he said on _AM LA _this morning, it's a lie."

"Can you come inside?" asked Jo quietly, slowly turning her head to the side. "I don't want to talk about this out here." The nearly inaudible sniffle she let out cracked guiltily across the brunette, smarting across his conscience like whip. Slipping his head into the gentlest of nods, he followed the actress into the apartment, his fingers sliding across the door's coarse face to shut it behind him. With a silent draw of air, his eyes followed the person he'd begun to eclipse over, studying her with agonizing scrutiny as she sat herself on the couch on the opposite side of the room. Even trapped behind her glass prison, she radiated the same enigmatic grace that had bewitched Kendall all those months ago. Logan instantly dropped his line of sight, feeling unworthy in the presence of such innocence caught in the wild sways that burst over his heart. She didn't deserve any of this, none of them did. She shouldn't have to know that her boyfriend's affections secretly tugged at the strings of another instead of faithfully remaining in her own. She wanted better; she needed it for the sake of her own assurance that the reason why half of her world turned every day would never do something like this.

"Yesterday, I waited in your apartment while everyone else went to fetch the two of you from the airport" said the actress softly, aligning her breaking gaze onto the figure up against her door. A quiet gasp escaped her lips, shattering the miserable atmosphere between them. "Carlos said that the two of you were close. And then today, it just… made all the sense in the world why he did what he did."

"Carlos is an idiot."

"No, I think he might be right this time. If anyone else had gone back to Minnesota to get you, you wouldn't be here." The blonde's lips pursed together tightly into a quivering line, feeling the heartache she had to bear for so long viciously unwind itself from its prison of ignorance, setting her very psyche ablaze in the most darkest shades of blackened despair. It seemed a cruel irony that even as an actress, she wasn't able to muster up the wealth of emotion that snapped at her now. "Everyone would have left the band" she murmured, lowering her amber watch to her hands. "Either way, I would have lost him, but this way I get to hurt more. Wonderful, isn't it?"

"You haven't lost anything" said Logan quietly, carefully lifting his gaze to the blonde. "He's still your boyfriend."

"Logan, I appreciate you coming here and trying to explain all of this away" said Jo, her voice steeped in the undulating hoarseness of fragility. Her eyes flew up to meet the brunette, nearly collapsing the air out of his lungs with one swift look of utter helplessness. In the moments that he took her expression in, Logan wondered how many times he had worn that exact same mask. How many times had his world come crashing down like this? Yes, life had handed him out unfair twists and turns, but that didn't mean that anyone else should have to take the same journey he did. His hell was something that was supposed to be confined to him and only him, leaving the rest of world untainted in their happiness. He couldn't let this happen. "I'm not trying to explain anything."

"I waited from the minute he left here until he came back for a call, a text, an email; anything" said the actress despondently. "It didn't come, so you'll forgive me if I think that Kendall isn't the one lying here."

"Don't punish him for my mistake Jo" said Logan, wandering his eyes across the blonde's face for some sign of hope. "What he did, he did for the band."

"What did happen in Minnesota exactly?" asked the blonde, a bewildered frown creasing across her forehead. Logan cocked his head back at her icy curiosity, feeling his heart begin to thump histrionically in his chest. "Not much. He just kept trying to get me to come back."

"Well, it worked. You're here now, he loves you. End of story. For me at least."

"He does love you" said the brunette, stepping forward from the door. With the slightest of hesitation, his anxiety fuelled the stride over to the blonde, forcing him to lean down. "Jo, look at me."

"No."

"Look at me." The blonde's eyes focused on the haze of warm brown staring back at her, feeling her melancholy rise into an irrepressible crescendo, breaking across her body in hurtling waves of pain. "What do you want me to do?" she asked softly. "He's in love with you; he said it himself on national television. Whatever he and I had, its over."

"That was just him being stupid."

"You and I know both know that Kendall doesn't do anything he doesn't mean" said Jo quietly, lowering her gaze once more. "He's in love with someone else, and I just got sidelined by it all. It's time we both face it."

/*\\/*\\/*\\/*\\/*\\

"Can you goddamn believe this?" asked James furiously, setting everything his eyes laid upon alight with his wrath. He turned to face the Latino's blank mask of a face across the table, narrowing his eyes at the show of nonchalance. "Does this even get a freaking reaction from you?"

"I just think that we need to keep our heads on and just think about this for a second" said Carlos flatly, rapping his fingers against the table with waning patience. A dark scowl twisted his lips as he wondered why he hadn't bothered to go out with Katie and her mother to look for Kendall, instead of listening to the infinity of self-absorbed whining gnawing at his ear. It had been weeks since he and James had spent any time together, leaving the Latino to fear that their friendship might never go back to the way it was before – with so much time apart from the taller singer, he actually found space to focus on himself rather than yielding in to the loss of air he always felt when James was around. It was a refreshing change, but left a precarious question mark over their companionship, irritably burning itself into their very words. The Carlos and James they had been were now distant figments of the past, growing further and further away from with them with each passing glance they took at each other, and they were powerless to stop it.

"There's nothing to think about Carlos" muttered the taller man, rolling his eyes sardonically as he flung himself onto the chair opposite the Latino. "He admitted on national television that half our band is gay."

"Well, maybe that's not so bad; it's just something to broaden our fan base. Now we can have gay, straight and in between listeners."

"In between?"

"You know, undecided." James shook his head despairingly, letting his visage of molten anger slacken with streaks of desperation. "You know how hard this town can be. Face it, Big Time Rush is through, thanks to one idiot who couldn't keep it in his pants."

"Do you think that maybe…" Carlos exhaled deeply, drawing his brow together thoughtfully. "That maybe they are in love and we just haven't seen it before?"

"Carlos, I am talking about our careers here! What does love have to do with anything?"

"And we're back to square one" said the Latino darkly, keeping his comment wrapped under his breath as he watched his friend impatiently click his tongue. "Look, what if they really do love each other? Are we really going to stand in the way of our best friends' happiness?"

"What does that even have to do with anything?"

"It has to do with everything, especially the fact that if you stopped thinking about yourself for two seconds, you might be able to process the situation!" snapped the Latino petulantly, slamming his fist against the table with a vociferous thud. The taller man jumped back in surprise, rounding out his eyes to shocked spheres as he stared back. Carlos let out a sheet of air from his lips at the lost look gazing at him, retracting his hands back to his vicinity. "You know what, maybe it's too much to ask you to think of someone else" he asked, turning his eyes away to the table surface. James frowned bewilderedly. "What does that mean?"

"It means that you can't see beyond your own needs, you dumbass."

"Oh my God." The Latino shook his head slowly, feeling his frustration break in heated tsunamis across his blood. "What?"

"That's why you're so obsessed with their relationship. You're in love with me!" The Latino pursed his lips together solemnly. "I could do so much better than you."

"I'm flattered, but-"

"James, I'm not in love with you." Carlos sighed wearily. "I'm just worried that we're not as good friends as we should be. This whole thing about us hanging around different people, it's out of control."

"Yeah, but it's not like we ever stopped being friends" said the taller man sagely, leaning over to tap the Latino on the shoulder. "The entire time I'm with Lucy, I'm still thinking of you. She's a good kisser, but not as good a friend as you are." He laughed quietly. "Screw the rumors; we're stuck with each other for life."

"You don't think of me WHILE you're kissing her, do you?"

"It was one time. I'm not proud of it."

/*\\/*\\/*\\/*\\/*\\

"Thanks for seeing me on such short notice" said the brunette quietly, staring around the familiar nooks and crannies of his former sanctuary. A weak shudder passed through his body, taking him right back to the vulnerable shadow of a man he was all those months ago. He heard Dr. Harding's pen click knowingly in front of him, but kept his gaze firmly fixed on the ream of books lining the wall behind her. He hated going back and forth like this, being all smiles one day and then all shattered pieces the next. Being with Kendall placed him on this eternal loop that swung between two polar extremes, and the time had come for all this insanity to stop. The game would end today, and he would have to live with it no matter how painful the outcome would be. At the end of it all, it was far easier to deal with the blonde's wounded hate than the guilt of being the scarlet flag that ended an innocent girl's relationship; and as for the loneliness – how much lower could he sink?

"I'm guessing you saw what happened this morning" said Logan, bitterly giving into the unseen power before him and staring right into shrink's eyes. Dr. Harley nodded smilingly. "Who didn't?"

"Oh God, this is bad."

"Relax, I'm just kidding" she smirked, dragging her pen across the notepad in a series of quick strikes. "That show's been down in the ratings for years now."

"That's not the point" murmured Logan, dropping his head into his palm. Dr. Harley arched her brow quizzically. "So tell me what is."

"You know I went back home to Shakopee?"

"Yes, I was wondering why Thursday afternoons was free." The brunette groaned exasperatedly, dropping his hand and flinging his head back to the top of the chair rest. His eyes walked across the ceiling, searching across the playing dots of sunlight for an answer. "He promised me that if I came back that he wouldn't do something like this… that we'd just see where it took us."

"You mean you guys are together?" asked the shrink , cocking her head with interest. Logan briefly rolled back his head to throw her a nod before resuming his previous position. "OK, I'm going to interrupt you there. You said that he wouldn't do something like this if you came back."

"So?"

"Don't you really mean that if you owned up to how the two of you felt?" Logan pulled his body away from the chair rest. "Meaning?"

"Well, let's face it Logan, you've done a lot of running away. Whether its from Kendall or yourself, when things get hard, you bail out."

"And I don't want to do that anymore" exclaimed the brunette animatedly. "I don't want other people to get hurt the way I've been."

"You mean his girlfriend?"

"Soon to be ex-girlfriend. She's given up on him" muttered Logan hoarsely. "I went over there to tell her what he said was a lie."

"And?"

"She doesn't believe me." The shrink ceased her writing, clicking her pen as she gazed at the breaking soul in front of her. "You're not perfect Logan."

"What?"

"You're not perfect. Neither is he or anyone else, but for some reason you keep having these high ideals of what your life should be like. Now, I'm not saying that it's a bad thing, but the real world won't conform to what you think it should be."

"You think that's my problem?" Dr. Harley nodded her head. "It's a big part of it. Like it or not, you've got a decision to make. You can be selfish or do what you always do."

"You're forgetting the option of suicide."

"Well that too. But seriously, don't think with ethics on this one. You've done that so many times before, and look where that got you. Do what you feel is right for you." Logan shuffled fearfully on his seat. "And what if that's not with him?"

"Then so be it."

/*\\/*\\/*\\/*\\/*\\

"If you've come to humiliate me even more, you're pretty much here for nothing" said the actress blithely, glowering over at the man she loved, the faint golden hints in her eyes quivering in unspeakable rage. "You pretty much did that this morning."

"I know" said Kendall quietly, submissively underplaying the volume of his voice as he closed the door behind him. His gaze despondently held the amber fury on the opposite side of the room, his heart beating out in anxious tattoos of guilt. He had to remember that he loved her too once upon a time before any of this entropic melodrama had ever happened, back in a time were love didn't come with a price. What he did today wasn't fair, but then again the truth had a malicious habit of uprooting what was so concrete. "I'm sorry."

"You could have told me before you left Kendall" said Jo, her voice breaking in equal parts of tears and venom, all of she had kept especially for this moment. Hours of wantonly isolating herself in her apartment, pacing around as the seething waterfall of emotion spiraled around in her with no limits whatsoever. Words be damned, she thought with colors now, meditating upon every shade of passionate red her psyche brought forth from the depths of its boiling confusion. "If you ever gave a damn, you could have broken it off instead of leaving me hanging onto something that wasn't there!"

"I… I didn't know how."

"Of course you didn't" she said softly, turning her back to the singer. Her eyes misted over with the thick film of her melancholy, choking her breath as her heartbeat stilled itself into slowly slipping further away into the twisting chaos possessing her. Kendall shuffled uncomfortably on his feet. "I really am sorry Jo."

"Don't, alright? You don't get to feel sorry after giving me hope that we could pick up where we left off the last time." The singer dropped his line of sight as he moved forward, breezing through the small space of the apartment with a couple of precautious steps. His hands gently placed themselves on the actress's shoulders, feeling her fidgets slowly die out as she gave into his hold. With only a choked cry as warning, Jo turned around and flung herself against her beloved's chest, feeling the saddened tattoo of his heart against her ear. "Why him?"

"Because he's always been there. I was just too stupid to see it." Kendall pressed his lips gently against the field of sunshine silk just below his chin. "What I did to you, it's unforgiveable; and of late hurting people seems to be the only thing I'm good at. But I'm not going to live my life with lies. I really do love him." The actress let out a muffled cry against the singer's chest, gripping at his shirt for dear life. "Don't go! Please!"

"I'm sorry."

/*\\/*\\/*\\/*\\/*\\

"You're kidding me."

"_I'm sorry Mr. Knight, but all flights are booked for tomorrow_." Kendall closed his eyes slowly, feeling his exhaustion finally catch up with him, synching up with the loud crack of thunder outside. What he wouldn't give just to escape this miserable circle of hell, but he knew he had it coming – in between Logan, Jo and the noxious glowers James kept throwing at him, this was all his own doing: only he could fix this. "Well, will could you try and get me something soon? I'd like to leave as soon as I can."

"_Of course sir. One of our staff will be in contact with you tomorrow morning._"

"Thank you." The blonde tossed the phone carelessly on the bed behind him, feeling his very essence drain away in shameful tendrils. It was a coward move to stir up such a powerful storm and then leave, but there wasn't any other way out. L.A. could be a bitch of a town when it wanted to, and he wasn't so sure that he was capable of dealing with it now that he truly was alone. Shaking his head slightly, the blonde smiled sadly to himself at the sweet justice of karma. "I really am sorry" he whispered, feeling a sharp pain stab through his chest. The time had come for him to let go from this, the exact thing she should have done six months ago when he first knew how Logan felt for him. "For everything."

"You really think I'll let you go that easily?" Kendall turned around at the soft call behind him, widening his sea green irises with surprise as he watched Logan gently click the door behind him in a steadfast lock. The brunette threw him an affectionate grin from the other side of the room. His locks dripped from the poignant embrace of the rain, running clear drops down his clothes, scenting his skin with the tinge of dewdrops. The blonde parted his lips slightly. "You heard me?"

"Enough to know you're basically doing what I did. Didn't anyone ever teach you that copying is bad?" The brunette walked forward, his smile widening as the blonde turned his gaze away. "It was raining the day I told you I loved you. Remember that?"

"How could I forget? I was so fucking scared when you blacked out right after that."

"And it's been games and tricks ever since then. I want it to stop."

"You don't have to worry about that for much longer" murmured the blonde, returning his hazed focus to the shorter man as he felt his hands wrap around his waist. "I'll go as soon as the agent confirms the flight."

"Why not stay?"

"There's nothing keeping me here anymore. I basically killed the band. Jo can't even stand me, and you're…" He sighed tiredly. "You were right. I shouldn't have done that on TV."

"But I kind of get why you did" said Logan quietly. "And you are right there's nothing keeping you here. But that's no reason for us not to be together." Kendall blinked incredulously. "You mean-"

"If you want to leave Los Angeles, I'll come with you." The taller man swooped his down, colliding them against his lover's velvet pout. "You really mean that?"

"You and I can't keep circling this forever. Besides, no matter what happens…" Logan shuddered as he felt the blonde's breath against the arch of his neck, lovingly tingling across his skin. "I can't be happy without you." He leant his head into the blonde's torso, feeling the stand of relief slip into his being after so long. This was were he belonged, not hiding away behind weary excuses not to break his heart: he knew that now. "We deserve this Kendall."

"I love you."

"I love you too. Always."

***~*~*~*~*~THE END*~*~*~*~*~**


End file.
